Month: December 2006

Tinsel Sucks

December 18, 2006

Seriously. Who came up with that crap?

You have a perfectly nice Christmas tree with lights and garland and a buttload of ornaments. Great. But no. You go one step too far and decide the tree needs tinsel as a finishing touch. If you weren’t a complete idiot, it might look halfway decent, but even then, tinsel is a pain in the ass even for those of us with brains.

Tinsel is a one way ticket from nice tree to stringy piece of crap. Save Christmas. Leave it off your tree.

Although the only good tinsel I know of is that stuff from the movie The Santa Clause which they use to bust Santa out of jail. Now that tinsel rocks. Regular tinsel? Not so much.

Mouths of Babes

December 17, 2006

Anyone else sick of this shit?

“The strangest things come out of the mouths of babes!”

The standard chauvinistic adult remark at some off the wall comment a kid makes. The basis of that stupid ass show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”. Yes, let’s not treat children like they are communicating. Let’s just laugh at them and their little naivete. Not like they’re people.
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Happy Chanukah

December 15, 2006

Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. Light those candles. Spin that dreidl. Eat those latkes. Dance the hora. Spell the name of the holiday like five hundred different ways. Say “oy!” a lot. All in good fun.

What is Chanukah about? I have no idea. Something about long lasting candles. Something about a temple celebration. Its close proximity to Christmas has led some to believe it is a high Jewish holiday like Christmas is a high Christian one. But it really isn’t. Passover and Yom Kippur are more the high holidays. Chanukah is just sort of there.
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The C Word

December 14, 2006

And now, for a festive, non-denominational session of…

YOU SUCK!!!!

People who are afraid to say the word “Christmas”. As if the political correctness gods will smite them if they do. That’s not all. On the other end of the spectrum are the asshats who throw a fit if you say anything other than Christmas.
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Annual Gift Man

December 13, 2006

Alright, let’s clear up something right now. Every Christmas it’s the same thing. We hear so much crap about our good jolly old rotund Arctic friend, Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas. Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Whatever. Everyone has their say in what the deal is with him. And not one of these people knows what the hell they are talking about.

Look, asshats. What you’re hearing about Santa Claus all the time is a bunch of crap. Your parents are full of it. Your friends are full of it. Teachers. Coworkers. They all think they know what they are talking about and act like they’re giving you accurate information, but they are not. Don’t listen to them. Listen to me. I’m here to tell you what the real deal is.
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The Post of Christmas Presents

December 12, 2006

This season of giving, I must tell some of you to…

SHUT THE HELL UP!

God, I’m sick of these losers bitching about Christmas getting too materialistic. For this, I’m afraid I must borrow the line from the gun nuts that they spout ad nauseum. If people are getting too materialistic at Christmas, that is their own damn fault. In other words, Christmas is not materialistic. People are materialistic.
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Breathe

December 11, 2006

Okay, I can do this.

*takes deep breath*

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!! This is the worst pain ever!

*breathes frantically*

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OWWWWWWWW! Son of a bitch!

*takes another deep breath*

Yeeeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwwwwwch! Is this over yet?! I think I’m almost done.

*deep breath*

OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Wow, I did it. It’s over with. Oh, man.

…

What was that about?! What could have happened many months ago to have caused this?

Damn you, internet quizzes.

The Old Lady

December 10, 2006

And now, for an aged, septogenerian edition of…

Here’s To You!

So I raise my glass and say, “Here’s to you, Grandma!”

Yup, my grandma. It’s her birthday today. She’s 79.

You know? I complain about her a lot, sure. After all, she’s a racist, ageist, xenophobic, conservative 1950’s housewife. But behind all that, she’s pretty cool. And the fact that behind all that unpleasantness she still has plenty of room to be totally cool, that’s pretty great if you ask me!

So Happy Birthday, Grandma!!! 😀

No Website, No Sale

December 9, 2006

It is not that hard to get a website, people. If you’re running a business, making a website would be a very good idea. Customers can look at your information without having to actually call you or visit you.

It takes only basic HTML. You do not need to pay some company an assload of money to design your website, which would just look like prepackaged crap anyway. Get your own domain name, which you can do for only like eight dollars a year, and find some cheap hosting or use your own server, which many places have. It doesn’t take a technological wiz. It takes knowing basic math and how to spell and not being a moron. Do it yourself.

Those of you who have websites? Good. One problem. Put more information on it than your address! I can find that out from the yellow pages. What services do you provide specifically? What options are there? What do those options mean? Throw in some background info. Anything. Just be more than some lame ass pamphlet.

Get a decent website or you’re not getting my business, idiot.