Annual Gift Man

December 13, 2006

Alright, let’s clear up something right now. Every Christmas it’s the same thing. We hear so much crap about our good jolly old rotund Arctic friend, Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas. Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Whatever. Everyone has their say in what the deal is with him. And not one of these people knows what the hell they are talking about.

Look, asshats. What you’re hearing about Santa Claus all the time is a bunch of crap. Your parents are full of it. Your friends are full of it. Teachers. Coworkers. They all think they know what they are talking about and act like they’re giving you accurate information, but they are not. Don’t listen to them. Listen to me. I’m here to tell you what the real deal is.

This may be hard for you to hear. It may go against everything you’ve strongly believed, everything you cling to. But I must tell you the truth about Santa Claus. Nobody else will. They’re idiots who don’t want to believe it. But it is the truth. Listen to me carefully.

Santa Claus is…


That’s right! I’m sure this comes as a shock for you. After all, your so-called “logic” and hatred of what gets deemed as “childish” had led you to ignore this simple yet very powerful fact. Saint Nick, the great gift giver on the eve of the mass of Christ, whom everybody keeps telling you is not there and never was, does in fact very much exist.

Sure, you’re going to come to me with crap about how one man could possibly have flying reindeer and visit everyone on earth in one night and be able to live at the North Pole of all places. What about houses without chimneys?

This is all silly. The man is like thirteen hundred years old and has flying reindeer and supersonic speed and is totally magical, and you don’t think he can find a way to deliver presents to a house without a chimney? The townhouse I lived in until I was ten didn’t have a chimney, and he still got in!

I mean, he’s got restrictions and whatnot. Like he only goes where he is welcome. He doesn’t care if you’ve been bad or good. He doesn’t care if you’re Christian or not. He doesn’t care how late you stay up on Christmas Eve, and I know that one from experience. He only cares whether or not you want him to visit. If you don’t want him coming to your house on Christmas Eve, for whatever crazy reason, he won’t bother you. Simple as that. That’s why people who don’t believe in him so often don’t get any gifts from him. He’s clearly not wanted there.

What? Now you’re going to say it’s been your parents all along impersonating Santa? Please. They wish. That’s just something they tell you when you’re older so they can make you think they’ve had total control over you your whole life, moreso than they actually did. More like there is a Santa Claus, but your parents, the credit whores they are, just want to steal his attention. Parents didn’t do shit. They just get freaked out when you notice a being higher than them but lower than God is having some influence on your life. Sure, they go along with Santa Claus when you’re younger, but only as an excuse to blackmail you into being good. When you get older and realize you’ve been getting presents from Santa despite being an insufferable little shit all year, they decide to try to reel you in by destroying your belief system. Well, thanks to me telling you the real deal now, you won’t have to worry about that!

I’m sure the other questions may pop up. Why is Santa’s handwriting suspiciously like your mother’s? How come you found your big present in the garage before Christmas, but when it was under the tree, it was marked as being from Santa? Duh! The big guy did that on purpose. When you were snooping around the garage, Santa decided to mess with you by making your present appear. It was gone when you left. Test of faith, folks. Test of faith. Same deal as the handwriting. Hell, even if Santa’s magic weren’t a factor there, there’s like billions of people in the world and only so many different ways handwriting can look. Chances are some two will look an awful lot alike. Just a coincidence. He’s Santa Claus. He can do what he wants.

Now you’re probably wondering what the point of Santa Claus is. That’s easy. He’s a saint, isn’t he? Jesus wanted people to have a good time on his feast day, and since gifts make people happy, he asked Jolly Old Saint Nicholas to take care of that. Sweet job, really. Gets to live away from everybody. Surrounded by elves, so he’s the largest one there. Magic. Reindeer. Just plain holiday cheer. All this for one night a year of zipping around the globe and giving people presents, making people happy, making Christmas all the merrier.

And, for you naysayers, what the hell is wrong with that? I mean, it’s one thing to not believe in Santa Claus. That is your own loss. But to seriously think the belief in him is actually harmful to people somehow? That parents who tell their children Santa Claus is coming on Christmas Eve are doing anything wrong? There’s a lot of shit parents do to their kids that is wrong, and even if Santa Claus weren’t real, this is NOT one of them! You act all offended that your parents “lied” to you and swear to never “lie” to your own children like that. Wow. That has got to be among the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life.

Even if Santa Claus weren’t real, he’s still an icon of the giving spirit of the season (and anyone who thinks this means he’s edging out Jesus doesn’t even deserve a response). He’s a symbol of one of the main celebrations surrounding the observance of the birth of Jesus, which is gift giving and spreading of cheer. If you think this contributes to nasty Christmas materialism, well, read yesterday’s entry again and shove it. Regardless of what moronic people tend to turn it into now and then, Santa Claus is still a sign of good, a sign of cheer, and sign of hope when things are otherwise totally in the shitter.

Santa Claus is real. If you don’t believe in him, that’s your own dumbass loss. If you think belief in Santa Claus is detrimental to children somehow, you REALLY need to get your priorities straight. Corporal punishment is still rampant. Child molestation goes dangerously underreported and even when it is reported, the penalty is a slap on the wrist due to some loophole or technicality. Children get sent against their will into psychiatric programs, when there’s nothing even wrong with them, or sent to gulag schools where they are killed or brainwashed. Third world children have to work in sweatshops and, very sadly, as prostitutes sometimes. They fall ill and die from stuff we were immunized against at birth. They are sold as property. They are left for dead.

And you’re fucking worried that there are parents telling their kids a friendly saint will be leaving presents for them?! :dubious:

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