Joe the President

July 21, 2024

What’s this? A little Sunday afternoon tweet from the White House occupant. Let’s see…

My Fellow Americans,

Over the past three and a half years, we have made great progress as a Nation.

Yeah, it is nice the virus is mostly under control and we don’t have to wear masks as much anymore. That’s what you’re talking about, right?

Today, America has the strongest economy in the world.

Contrary to very popular belief, per basically every poll.

We’ve made historic investments in rebuilding our Nation, in lowering prescription drug costs for seniors, and in expanding affordable health care to a record number of Americans.

Is this message just to lay out admin accomplishments to get votes? Hopefully people will see that not drowning in medical debt is more important than the spurious concerns about “illegal” immigrants the other side won’t shut up about.

We’ve provided critically needed care to a million veterans exposed to toxic substances.

Sit your asses down, Marjorie and Lauren.

Passed the first gun safety law in 30 years.

Not sure whether to be more shocked at it being 30 years or that one passed at all.

Appointed the first African American woman to the Supreme Court.

She gets to join Elena and Sonia in concurring dissents that amount to glaring incredulously at the other six.

And passed the most significant climate legislation in the history of the world.

If we want the world to have even more history, better keep it coming.

America has never been better positioned to lead than we are today.

“I think there’s still room for improvement.” -Gaza

I know none of this could have been done without you, the American people. Together, we overcame a once in a century pandemic and the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. We’ve protected and preserved Democracy.

And a depressingly large chunk of these American people intend to vote for a guy promising to undo all this in a few months.

And we’ve revitalized and strengthened our alliances around the world.

“Hello?” -Gaza

It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve as your President.

Sure?

And while it has been my intention to seek reelection,

Ummm….

I believe it is in the best interest of my party and the country for me to stand down and to focus solely on fulfilling my duties as President for the remainder of my term.

Hoooooooly shit!

I will speak to the Nation later this week in more detail about my decision.

A disturbing degree of ageism and ableism from all corners? I know.

For now, let me express my deepest gratitude to all those who have worked so hard to see me reelected.

Namely the flimsy attempts to hypnotize us all into forgetting about that debate.

I want to thank Vice President Kamala Harris for being an extraordinary partner in all this work.

“All yours now, coconut tree lady.”

And let me express my heartfelt appreciation to the American people for the faith and trust you have placed in me.

American people: *exchange glances*

I believe today what I always have: that there is nothing America can’t do – when we do it together.

“Except maybe you can’t quit giving them bombs?” -Gaza

We just have to remember we are the United States of America.

That’s what our Dustin Hoffman-voiced substitute teacher wrote for us!

Well. Here goes…

These Truths the Self-Evident

July 4, 2024

On this night, our country sparkles.

On this day, 248 years ago

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Typical. Can’t just quit and be done with it. Got to write out a whole long thing first.

We hold these truths to be self-evident

“We hold these truths to be self-evident…” -Bart Simpson, tapping his head

that all men are created equal

#NotAllMen

that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights

Even the “creator” who kicked them out of a garden and drowned them in a flood? Or… a different one? Do the modern day so-called “originalists” know that?

that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

“This is totally a thing we believe in.” -the slaveowners who wrote and signed this thing

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men

Well, there’s your problem right there.

deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,

Were you saying something? I was just thinking about that debate the other night and about how our “consent” amounts to choosing between them this November.

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

PSA: Your favorite orange racist loudmouth fairly losing his reelection bid does not amount to “destructive of these ends”. Quite the contrary, in fact.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

The devil you know…

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

You go girl!

Continue reading “These Truths the Self-Evident”

Eclipse 2024

April 8, 2024

1:00am: Let’s get on the road.

Can the Pennsylvania Turnpike make up its mind whether the speed limit is 55 or 70? It changes like every mile.

4:00am: Fine, get yourself a snack. Top off gas, too.

Hmmm, there’s the exit to the road I was going to take originally. But had to change plans yesterday. Looking too cloudy there. New destination has a better chance, if still not a great one.

Crossing into Ohio.

And it’s raining.

That’s okay. It was supposed to rain this early anyway. We’ve got a lot of hours to go.

Heading north now. Past Youngstown… and officially in the path!

7:00am: Light out, still raining on and off, nearing destination.

Hmmm, clear traffic the whole way. Pleasant surprise. There was every indication traffic would be a nightmare. Maybe we’re just way early.

8:30am: Here’s a nice park by Lake Erie. Some other people in town checking it out as well. Hard to see the water from the fog from the rain, which seems to be clearing up.

9:30am: Better get some food now while we can. This little restaurant is filling up quickly with others in town for this.

After food, driving around town. Lots of neat houses right along lakeshore. There’s another cool park by the lake, with people filing in to enjoy the view. And the one later.

11:30am: Here’s the park by the lake we were in earlier. There’s more people and the bathrooms are open now. Plus my passengers want to make a stop anyway. Found a spot in the boat ramp lot.

What a lovely view of the lake, the sound of the waves lapping against the rocks. A bit of area to walk around. Watching the people show up and set themselves up here. Lots of snacks and a bathroom nearby.

Yup, I think this is our spot.

But what will we see? There’s so many clouds up there still.

Except… what’s that to the west southwest? Is that… clear skies?!

The clouds are moving from that direction. The big ones are passing, leaving fewer of them and just some high up wispy ones…

Holy shitburgers, I think we’re actually going to see it!!!

The clouds cleared more, allowing some more sunshine and warming the air a bit.

2:02pm: At last, it starts.

Can see some high up wispy clouds moving across the sun through the glasses, but they don’t block anything.

And on the lower right corner, the moon has begun to bite off a chunk.

Steadily, all around us, the light dimmed.

The sky turned a deeper blue.

The sun was a crescent. Then a fingernail. Then a sliver.

About as far as it would have gone had we stayed home (if no clouds this time).

3:10pm: Minutes away. Sky is darkening faster. Nearby lampposts and outside lights on a building by the water have clicked on.

3:15pm: Seconds away. Counting down. The last rays of sunlight disappearing as if a crack in the sky is being zipped closed…

WHOA

That’s not my picture. That’s NASA’s view of it from Cleveland, just a little west of where we were. But that’s about what appeared up there in the sky the moment the last ray of sunshine vanished.

This one is my picture.

My phone camera couldn’t focus on it too well, so it shows a whitish glob where in person at that spot was NASA’s above image.

In my picture, you can see the lit lamppost, as well as, oddly enough, that the sky on the horizon kind of looks like a sunrise or sunset. But… that’s not right. The sun isn’t over there. It’s up there behind the moon! Most of the sky was a deep dark blue, the part under the shadow, which in person was much darker than it appears here. On the horizon was where there was still sunshine. So it was like a sunrise or sunset… only upside down!

When totality began, people around us cheered. Some honked their car horns. Some howled for some reason. Sounded like someone shot off some fireworks nearby.

Up there, the white sunlight radiated out from behind the black moon, the very edges of it shimmering, as if the sun was itching to come back out and blind us all. Solar activity that is usually hidden to us, perhaps.

It went on for many glorious soul-touching minutes, until the bottom right corner got brighter. Glasses back on now! And the sunshine was back.

An industrial ship docked nearby in the lake blew its horn.

People around us packed up to leave and departed. We hung around to let the crowd clear. I stayed by the lake and watched the reverse partial eclipse pass. The air had chilled back down.

4:30pm: And that’s that.

Time to head all the way back home!

Our spot by the lake didn’t get the best reception, so we drove away somewhere else so I could see the traffic situation better on Google Maps.

Hmm, yeah, every road we could take back was backed up, though we’d be driving a while before we got to a backup. My fellow travelers were itching to get back on the road, so to shut them up, we started on southward, even though I thought it might have been a good idea to get some food first.

Sure enough, we hit a traffic backup. I went a slightly different way back this time to avoid some of the toll road as well as to go a way that looked clearer. That was fine for a while until we hit another very slow road. The exits off that road to areas with restaurants were also backed up, and those restaurants surely packed.

Eventually, we were back on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, which was moving a little quicker. Rest stops were completely packed with people. It got dark, and my lack of sleep was finally taking its toll, so I let the other person drive who had gotten some rest earlier.

Almost home and back into Maryland, without any food since every place was too full or already closing for the night, and more backups. This time construction and lane closures on I-70. Got past one slow area and into another one before long. Even once back on 270 we hit a few!

Home at last at 3am. Concluding a totally wild day trip to a midwestern state on a Great Lake, eight days shy of eight years since the last one. And perhaps longer than that until the next solar eclipse in this country, or whichever next one I’ll be able to see, whatever the world will be like then.

Easter: The Final Battle

March 31, 2024

How does the story go?

He was crucified, died, and a couple days later he rose again, showed off his badass crucifixion scars to his doubting disciples, and rose on up to heaven to, per Nicene Creed, be “seated at the right hand of the father”.

Thus we celebrate with bunnies and eggs.

Something is missing. Something feels incomplete. Is that all there is to it?

Definitely not. And I’ll tell you what it is…

After his slow horrific death, Jesus first went down to hell, where all dead souls since the beginning of time were trapped. An epic battle with Satan ensued, from which Jesus emerged victorious, believing he’d at last fulfilled his destiny and destroyed evil. So he invited all the souls to ascend with him to heaven. He stopped by earth again on the way to see his friends real quick and celebrate his victory, instructing them to go forth and spread the word of what has happened. And then he ascended to heaven for good.

This much we know. But what happens next?

Jesus arrives in heaven with all the souls he just freed. God sees this and says “Very good, my son. Now come be seated beside me.”

But suddenly Jesus pauses, and any feeling of triumph he had was washed away. And he asks himself what might have been a dangerous question. What exactly was all this for? Why did everything, his becoming human and suffering through crucifixion and everything else, have to happen in the first place?

The realizations came upon him all at once. Before him was so-called Almighty God, his heavenly father, creator of all, omnipotent. As he, Jesus, had just battled Satan, the embodiment of evil who was condemning all souls to eternal suffering until this point. Why was God allowing Satan to keep those souls trapped in hell at all? If he really wanted them freed before this, he could have done so. How did his excruciating crucifixion in itself absolve any sins, when God could have just decided to forgive anything he wanted at any time?

Jesus at long last sees the truth about the being before him. It was all entertainment for God. It was all manipulation for his own amusement. Perhaps his executioners were the ones who killed him on the cross. Perhaps it was Satan who was tormenting the dead souls. But it was God who orchestrated the whole thing. And he’d been his loyal pawn through it all.

So, against everything he’d been and believed up until this point, Jesus said no to God. And then the true final battle ensued.

Just as Cronus overthrew Uranus, and then Zeus overthrew Cronus, it was time for Jesus to overthrow God.

And he did. And he became God.

Although he lacked his father’s omnipotence, he became a sympathetic God who had already spent 33 years as a human and understood what it was like in a way his father never cared to. He was also uninterested in being worshiped and glorified. All he expected of people was to be good to one another and live their best lives. He wanted all people to be free from oppression, whether human or divine.

And it is this freedom we celebrate today with bunnies and eggs. Freedom from an oppressive manipulative deity, from religious restriction and sacrifice.

But it was before all this concluded that Jesus told his disciples to go forth and spread the word. He was unable to update them, and so incomplete information spread around about him and what he wanted. He had to watch with dismay as, rather than being good to one another and living their best lives, people hurt and oppressed and killed one another supposedly in his name. Churches sprang up exploiting his name and his crucifixion just to amass power for themselves. The cross on which he was brutally murdered had become a symbol to these people, believing this suffering was for them, when, as Jesus himself had to come to terms with, there was absolutely no point or value in the crucifixion, that in itself it was just another senseless execution in a world that commits far too many of them. And his so-called followers were looking and acting a lot more like his executioners than his disciples.

That’s why we never hear about the final battle. Not only did it happen after his ascent, but churches aren’t exactly going to be telling people that their very existence is against what Jesus wanted. It’s in their interest to say Jesus remains God’s dutiful subordinate for eternity, that only those who believe in him in some very specific way are saved while all others are doomed. That’s how they amass power and wealth.

That’s why, as we celebrate today with bunnies and eggs and botanical gardens, this holiest day of the Christian calendar might well be a simultaneous rejection of Christianity. Where we celebrate the absolution of sins not because of the unjust torture and murder of a demigod a couple millennia ago but because his later victory removed the very concept of sin. Or, hell, just because the whole idea of sin is ridiculous anyway.

That’s how I’ve celebrated Easter for the past fifteen years or so now. At first, I figured I was just being ironic. I have marzipan or similarly flavored treats for Easter because of a scene in the His Dark Materials trilogy, where Mary Malone tells a story of how she gave up religion after taking a bite of marzipan and prompting a flood of memories and the realization there was no point or benefit to anyone in her living under pious restrictions and denying herself a rich and full life. That and Rush’s “Freewill” has become a sort of Easter anthem for me. Some people have been puzzled that, despite pulling away from Christianity, I still celebrate Easter at all. And, yes, I do celebrate Easter, but its meaning for me has changed.

It more recently it occurred to me that, though I don’t have any desire to return to Christianity (whatever that would entail), even from a Christian perspective this reinvented Easter still works, if one wanted to stick to what Jesus would actually want, in acknowledging his triumph over a sadistic god, in setting us and even himself free. But, of course, he wouldn’t want that. Christian or not, the idea is the same.

Be good to each other. Live your best life. Eat some Cadbury eggs.

Happy Easter!

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 18

February 14, 2024

BE MINE

Don’t be so possessive.

CALL ME

Call? Like… on the phone?! Ain’t no one worth that!

Alright, it’s Valentine’s Day. I skipped last year, but here’s one of these once again.

I think I’ll pick on Stranger Things for the moment. Or not so much “pick on” but this exchange from Season 3 jumps out at me.

Mike: What did you think, really? That we were never gonna get girlfriends? That we were just going to sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives?
Will: Yeah, I guess I did. I really did.

I guess the intended reaction here is something like “aww, these kids are growing up, putting away childish things, etc.” and that Will Byers, while you feel bad for him, will understand soon enough.

Screw that. He has the right idea.

Spending all day with friends working on something fun and creative, like the RPGs they play? Hell yeah! That is absolutely something you want to maintain as long as you can.

But Mike was pulling away from that due to his relationship with Eleven. Which I guess is supposed to be a sign of maturity, that romantic relationships must be the priority.

As must familial relationships. In fact, the importance placed on (cis-het) romantic relationships is part of it, in that it would involve pairing up with someone the family approves of, of the same culture or religion or race, so that they will make babies who will continue that family line and that culture or religion or race.

As such, platonic friendships get deprioritized, those friends less important than family or romantic partners. You’re told those relationships will come and go, that family will always be there. Which is a load of bullshit, of course. And it’s usually members of your family who try to instill “nothing is more important than family” into you, so you can see the conflict of interest.

Friendships are chosen by the individual due to mutual interest and affection. There’s no familial bonds or hormones running the show. Because of this, they are considered less important because they’d likely break apart easily. But actually that’s what makes them superior. This relationship wasn’t chosen for you by birth. You don’t want to have sex with them (necessarily). You just both enjoy each other’s company and find each other comforting and fun, and that is goddamn wonderful.

Sure, as life throws changes at you, friends can drift apart as their common bond stretches and weakens. But that absolutely happens with familial and romantic relationships, too. That’s not an indication of a relationship’s importance. That’s just life.

In fact, because a platonic friendship is expected to be fleeting, while familial and serious romantic relationships are expected to go on for life (complete with undeserved shame and erasure when they don’t), it’s perhaps more impressive and special when they do last a long time.

I guess these damn hearts seem like they’ve lasted a long time, too. Don’t know how impressive that is.

TRUE LOVE

Yikes. Let’s get to know each other better first?

NO WAY

My thoughts exactly.

A Big Sphere

January 1, 2024

Sometime ago, I was staying late at work for a meeting scheduled to accommodate three different time zones. One of the time zones was East Asia, and the person there was sharing her screen. I was weirdly delighted to look at the bottom right corner of the screen, where the time and date were the next morning.

And just last night, after we here in Eastern time zone (aka Best Time Zone) rang in 2024, there was the montage of celebrations from around the world when their respective cities hit midnight, truly a multinational joining in of the tradition of counting the years since Jesus’s bris.

It’s fun living on a big sphere.

It’s also fun living in a time with the technology where such a meeting like I was in and such widespread showings of worldwide new year celebrations is possible.

Our species began in Africa so extremely long ago, and from there we all just sort of wandered off. Across Asia and Europe. Over Indonesia and into Australia. Across the Bering into the Americas. We developed new appearances, new ways of life, new mythologies. And so scattered around the globe, we were isolated into our own little cultures and societies, knowing little to nothing about anyone else.

But over the millennia, we got to wandering again. We built stronger societies and developed commerce and sought to trade and learn from (and conquer…) one another. And over the centuries, the innovative species we are, we developed better means of travel and communication.

And now today we can get most anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. No vitamin C-deficient months on the high seas. Just hop on a plane and have the flight attendant bring you some orange juice, and you’re there by dinner time.

We can talk to most anyone in the world at any time. Within my own lifetime, talking to someone across the country meant an expensive and staticky long distance call. Knowing what was going on in some far flung place came entirely filtered through the mainstream news and leaders. Now you can just post and chat online with people directly and get the real story and a new perspective.

Some of us can fly way up into outer space and gaze upon the whole big sphere at once from orbit. Not just way-too-wealthy assholes flaunting their penis-shaped rockets over multiple impoverished countries they could single-handedly feed, but also satellites sending our signals around the globe and a space station made possible by international scientific cooperation. A mere 120 years after the Wright brothers got their weird contraption off the ground in the Outer Banks.

All the once scattered and isolated cultures know about and interact and intermingle with each other now.

All that time ago, we wandered off. Now we are in the age where our species has come back together again.

Happy New Year.

Seriously 2023

December 31, 2023

We’ve come around again. So what happened? Well…

January: TCM

– Go away already, bat flu!
– So much coughing
– …
– …

February: Fletcher

– I guess I’ll say a few words
– Just what is a life well lived anyway?
– I’ll cook things for Lent
– I baked focaccia!
– Damn it’s warm outside

March: On Hold

– Los Angeles gets snow but we don’t?!
– Horizon Forbidden West
– Wish it would tell me which machine is hostile like predecessor
– Chia seeds are a great egg substitute

April: Drafts

– Orange Thing is getting arrested!
– Bingeing His Dark Materials series during Holy Week!
– Throw together something resembling an Easter feast
– That came in just in time.
– Legislatures pulling anti-trans dipshittery again.

May: Mage

– Guess I’ll replay Final Fantasy 7
– I’m forty now?!
– Korean BBQ
– Did the Nats finally actually win the Star Wars game? Yay!
– Hmm, no more new shows for a while with writer’s strike.
Target Pride is Satan?!

June: Picnic Leftovers

– Oh, shit, do I have Covid again?!
– Nope, just an ordinary cold.
– What the fuck is going on with… outside?
– The wildfire smoke is making everything all sepia toned.
– AwesomeCon!
– Let’s fix this place up a bit and reflect
– Buy out Bed Bath & Beyond before closing
– Oh, look, Supreme Court is setting us back decades again
– You keep saying “free speech”. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

July: Over Five Pounds

– S’mores brownies!
– Wait, what?
– Ah, fuck, not a pinched nerve again!
– I guess I’ll just lie still and watch The Orville
– Justice for Topa!

August: Time Zones

– What’s in storage?
– What do you mean USWNT lost in the first round?!
– You’re supposed to be the not-useless ones!
– Bingo
– Bazaar is back.

September: Shady Trees

– Final season of Disenchantment
– Except not really because we all know Matt Groening shows do not end nor should they.
– So many tight deadlines…
– What an awful picture.
– Hurry up and get here and thaw.
– Am I doing this or what?
– I should visit.
– #28 Meant to Live

October: Custard Power

– Did I just lose almost two years of progress?
– What do you mean reorganization?!
– Oh, goddamnit, Israel and Palestine.
– Noooo, my favorite mug!
– I’ll check out the small demonstration

November: 5064

– March for ceasefire
– I really need time off
– Where’d it go? Oh, that’s a shame.
– We made a good turkey!
– I guess I’ll finally play The Last of Us again

December: Aunt Tabitha

– Changes happening
– Mmmm sugar plums
– Winter Festival again!
– Cookie swap is back!
– And that’s the end of Archer
– Christmas Crisp
– The Boy and the Heron, to resume New Years Eve movie theater going post-pandemic
– And I’ve made some steak and shrimp.

This year had one huge event to start with, which maybe I’ll talk about in a separate post, and a whole lot of other stuff I’ve been racking my brain over the past few days to remember in order to cobble something together here. Kind of disheartening, in that my New Years Eve recaps in the past I’ve had no trouble remembering even the most bizarre details. Is it I can’t remember as well now? Maybe I’m not doing as much now worth remembering? Maybe I do remember but I’m less willing to add it here, however cryptic.

There’s 2024 waiting up there in Times Square. Bringing with it all the usual annual observances all over again, as well as a leap year, a Summer Olympics, and, of course, the presidential election. What will become of that? What will become of Gaza? What will become of Twitter?

As 2023 draws to a close, as this new one drops in shortly, I guess we’ll just have to see. Buckle up.