Category: WTF Did I Just Write?

Dafuq did you just read?

Another Christmas Carol

December 24, 2020

There are way way way way way too many versions of A Christmas Carol. Anyway, here’s another, with a couple of twists. Merry Christmas!

Marley was dead.

Ebenezer Scrooge gazed up at the “Scrooge & Marley” sign over his business on the seventh anniversary of his partner’s passing, his face impassive while filled with an emotion he could not identify, or a series of emotions he could not parse. He allowed only a minute or two for this before proceeding on inside.

It was also Christmas Eve, a fact Scrooge made a point to ignore. He sat at his desk. After a moment, he opened one of his desk drawers and gazed at something inside it. Then he shut it again and got to work, ignoring the sounds of carols and charitable requests going on outside.

“Merry Christmas!” came a cheery voice from his office doorway.
Continue reading “Another Christmas Carol”

How the Coronavirus Stole Easter

April 12, 2020

People really liked Easter a lot
But the Coronavirus… did not.

January through March, worldwide it spread
Countries locked down, thousands were dead.

Can’t gather again until sometime later
No Easter brunch nor Passover seder

The virus looked forward to April the twelfth
For on this day the biggest blow would be dealt

The bees would be buzzing, the flowers in bloom
The faithful would marvel at the empty tomb.

Easter was coming, virus knew what they’d do
To the Stay Home orders they’d say “screw you!”

For how could the most faithful resist
To gather, rejoice that Jesus is risen!

And when they’d all go to church and pray
Coronavirus would grow three sizes that day!

Empty streets lay under the Paschal full moon
Coronavirus knew it would strike real soon

The day dawned Easter Sunday morn
Coronavirus to sicken so many more

But as it turned out, the virus was wrong
Because rising up, all around, came the song.

Welcome Easter! Welcome Spring!
From our own homes we sing.

Welcome Easter! In our heart
As we stay six feet apart.

Welcome Easter! While we stand
At the sink, washing our hands.

Welcome Easter! Quarantine
Protect us from COVID-19.

The virus was perplexed, could not explain
Somehow Easter still came just the same!

It came without egg hunts. Came without mass.
Everyone stayed safely at home on their ass.

The churches were empty just like the tomb
But people stayed home and met via Zoom

Still bloom did the flowers, buzz did the bees
Still we ate Cadbury Eggs and marshmallow peeps

Celebrations called but we kept our nerve
To stay away so to flatten the curve.

Corona devastates, this much is true
But we’re more powerful than ten viruses plus two!

Easter will come back again and again
Coronavirus will be long gone by then

For now we must still stay inside
Social distancing so to stay alive

Welcome Easter! Welcome Spring!
From our own homes we sing!

Welcome Easter! In our heart
As we stay six feet apart.

Welcome Easter! While we stand
At the sink, washing our hands.

Welcome Easter! Quarantine
We shall survive COVID-19.

False Alarm

January 31, 2018

Hawaii: Everybody okay? No threat. Let’s just breathe. It’s okay. It’s okay-

FCC: WTF Hawaii? You really fucked this up big time. Fix your shit.

Hawaii: …

Hawaii: …..

Hawaii: ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT! I have put up with this bullshit for too fucking long!

Other 49 states: !!!!!

Hawaii: You know what? I was happy as an independent country. Fuck you guys. I’m seceding.

South Carolina: Been there. Done it.

Hawaii: And what has being a part of the United States gotten us? Our native people and culture attacked and nearly decimated.

Oklahoma: Actually that makes you very much part of us.

Hawaii: And, you know, forgive me for thinking an Asian country that doesn’t like the US very much might be wanting to bomb me because it’s not like it’s happened- Oh wait, it’s happened before, December 7, 19-fucking-41, the day that lives in infamy! You all got through World War II mostly unscathed, but look at the bullshit I went through.

California: Oh, I had some bad things going on over here I’d like to forget.
Continue reading “False Alarm”

One More Ghost

December 12, 2015

After Ebenezer Scrooge had his fateful Christmas Eve encounter with the spirit of Jacob Marley and then the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, he vowed to change his ways and become the nicest guy in the world. He bought the Cratchits a Christmas feast and promoted his nephew. We all know that.

But that next night, suddenly another spirit visited him.

Scrooge: Another spirit! What is it now? Who are you?

Ghost: Oh, don’t worry. I’m just here to have you rate your experience with the Past, Present, and Future Ghosts. Would you say you were satisfied with their overall message? What parts of your experience stood out the most for you?

Scrooge: Hmm, hard to pick just one. But perhaps it was what the Ghost of Christmas Future showed me that was the most eye-opening.

Ghost: Yeah? Go on.

Scrooge: He showed me that little Tiny Tim would die, and then that I would die. If I did not change my ways.

Ghost: Alright. Is that all?

Scrooge: It was devastating to my very core.

Ghost: So you have made changes in your life that should prevent these things from happening?

Scrooge: I believe so.

Ghost: It’s just that, well, you’re still going to die eventually no matter what you do. People might actually be mourning you when it does happen if you’re kinder, but you’ll still be dead.

Scrooge: Oh. Well, what of Tiny Tim? At least he’ll have a full life if I pay to have him cured.

Ghost: I wouldn’t count on it. I mean, it’s like 1830, and while it’s not clear what exactly he even has, it seems like some degenerative disease that no one can really do anything about anyway.

Scrooge: So you’re saying what the third Ghost showed me was all going to happen for sure? I asked if these were the things that will be or what may be, and he did not answer. He did not say anything actually.

Ghost: Yeah, that one isn’t actually able to speak. But I’ll make a note of that you did not get your question answered.

Scrooge: This is unbelievable! I went through all that with the Ghosts only to find there’s nothing I can do.

Ghost: That’s not exactly true. You should still be a good person as you’ve vowed to do. You’ll have friends and all. You won’t be so alone. You’ll have fun. That’s what’s important, right?

Next day, Ebenezer Scrooge returns to being a miserly asshole, and dies the following year. No one comes to his funeral because they’re over at Tiny Tim’s funeral.

Three Ships Too Far

December 23, 2014

Yay, Christmas songs are fun! 😀

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day in the mor-

*massive earthquake*

*reality itself seems to split at the seams*

Whoa! What’s happening?

“OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD!”

Huh? What? What’s overloaded?

“THERE IS TOO MUCH SHIT IN THE NATIVITY SCENE!”

There is? How so?

“HOW SO?! THINK ABOUT IT. IT’S FAR BEYOND JUST MARY, JOSEPH, JESUS, AND THE STAR. THERE ARE SHEPHERDS. THERE ARE THREE WISE MEN. THERE ARE A CRAPLOAD OF FARM ANIMALS. THERE’S THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY. AND NOW… FUCKING SHIPS!”

I didn’t write that song. I was just singing it. Besides, what’s wrong with ships?

“THERE ARE NO BODIES OF WATER CLOSE ENOUGH TO BETHLEHEM FOR SHIPS TO MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!”

What if they’re flying ships?

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD THERE BE FLYING SHIPS? HONESTLY!”

For the same reason there’s a baby born from a virgin impregnated by God, under a conveniently placed star. Why the hell not flying ships?

“ONE SUPERNATURAL THING AT A TIME!”

Speaking of supernatural, what the hell are you supposed to be?

“NEVER YOU MIND.”

How about repairing reality? Whatever you are, you sure pitch a fit when the nativity scene gets out of whack. Wait, does this mean you’re…?

“EVERYTHING NORMAL!”

*reality restores itself*

Huh. That was weird.

Postseason

October 30, 2014

I just watched Game 7 of the World Series. Aww, no more baseball until next year!

Did you see the Postseason at all? No? Basically, it was the ten best MLB teams saying farewell to you and to this season until next year. Here’s a recap…

*teams line up side by side in front of a stairway*

All: “So long! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Oakland A’s and Pittsburgh Pirates: “We hate to go and leave this pretty sight.” *both exit*

All: “So long! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen, goodbye!”

Los Angeles Angels and Detroit Tigers: “We’re sweeped, we heave a sigh and say goodbye. Goodbyyyyyyyyyye!” *both exit*

All: “So long! Farewell! Au revoir, auf wiedersehen!”

Washington Nationals: “I’d like to stay and win my first World Series ring. Yes?”

San Francisco Giants: “No.” *Nationals and LA Dodgers exit*

Baltimore Orioles: “I’m glad to go. I cannot tell a lie.”

St. Louis Cardinals: “So you just flit and float and totally let the Royals sweep you?”

Baltimore Orioles: “I’m being sarcastic, you idiot!” *both sarcastically flit and float about and exit*

*Kansas City Royals and San Francisco Giants back away into the stairs*

Both: “The summer has gone for the year and so must we. So long. Farewell. Auf wiedersehen, goodbye…”

Kansas City Royals: “Goodbye…” *exits*

San Francisco Giants: “Goodbye!” *exits*

Light and Dark

December 21, 2013

The Winter Solstice is here again. Oh, I hear something…

Winter Solstice: It’s time for the sun to return!

Summer Solstice: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Winter Solstice: Hey, what are you doing here?

Summer Solstice: I’m on the other side of the world. We occur at the same time, you know.

Winter Solstice: I know that. Anyway, why aren’t you celebrating? You have lots of sun.

Summer Solstice: And I have to see it go away. For that, nobody gives a damn. With you, they celebrate the sun returning, but by the time I come around, their brightest day of the year, no one cares. No summer Christmas for me.

Christmas: Did someone say my name?

Winter Solstice: Summer Solstice is feeling glum and without a holiday.

Christmas: What! Nonsense. You’ve got me. You’re today in the southern hemisphere, are you not?

Summer Solstice: Yeah. But having you is just sort of a happy accident.

Christmas: And the key word there is “happy”. So don’t be sad.

Winter Solstice: Now just a minute, Christmas. You’re specifically for me. Everything you’re made of comes out of Winter Solstice celebrations.

Christmas: And I think I’m fine with the southern hemisphere calling me a summer holiday just as they call me a winter one for you. Got a problem with that?

Winter Solstice: Yes! Because you’re specifically a winter holiday.

Christmas: I’m a lot of things. If I want to call myself also a celebration of the days being their longest and brightest, I’ll do that.

Winter Solstice: But it doesn’t make sense.

Christmas: Hey, does applying importance to axial tilt as if it means anything beyond that make any sense? Don’t pull at that thread.

Summer Solstice: Axial tilt? Yeah, that’s ours. But, Christmas, I thought Jesus was the reason for your season. 😉

Christmas: That, too.

Summer Solstice: So you already go beyond us solstices. What’s the matter here?

Christmas: I don’t know. I thought you were the one unhappy.

Summer Solstice: Winter gets all the celebration for the return of the sun, but I have the sun as returned and full as it’s going to get. And I get little celebration. I don’t get it.

Christmas: That doesn’t reflect upon you. Hey, how do you think I’d feel if I worried too much about what my celebrators do supposedly for me? Especially that mind-numbing “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” war. These people simply don’t make sense.

Summer Solstice: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Christmas: Maybe? Or, perhaps, people are too busy lounging around in the bright sunny long days they don’t need to put on a special celebration? Perhaps a more subtle, more muted appreciated.

Summer Solstice: Hmmm. Could be.

Christmas: There you go! You don’t need to be the cheap crap that Winter Solstice and I are.

Winter Solstice: Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?

Summer Solstice: It means enjoy your hypothermia, losers!

Winter Solstice: Oy.

Turkey and Latkes

December 1, 2013

Oh, here we go again…

Thanksgiving: More turkey?

Chanukah: Yes, thank you. More latkes?

Thanksgiving: Please! They’re marvelous.

Christmas: Hey, there you are, Chanukah! What’s going on over here?

Chanukah: Having a turkey and latke dinner with Thanksgiving.

Christmas: Interesting. How come?

Chanukah: Check a calendar. The 25th of Kislev this year is also Thanksgiving. So the two of us are hanging out this year.

Christmas: But I like hanging out with you. It won’t be the same not having you around.

Chanukah: Oh, sure, sure. You’ll be all alone. Except well, for Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, New Year’s Day, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Epiphany…

Christmas: I get it, I get it. Alright, I’ll leave you to it. See you next year, I guess.

Chanukah: Hmm. Well, I’d feel bad, but Thanksgiving seems so lonely each year. It’s a nice quiet change.

Thanksgiving: Oh, I’m not totally alone…

Chanukah: What do you mean?

Black Friday: LOL HAI U GUIZE!!!11!!1!

Thanksgiving and Chanukah: Oh shit!

Downton Rage

February 22, 2013

So I’ve finally gotten into Downton Abbey. I’ve pretty much only seen the third season, save bits and pieces of earlier ones. My parents had been watching it from the beginning. And, well, the Crawley family matriarch is played by Minerva McGonagall so who can resist? 😛

Well, it’s been a turbulent season. So I figured I’d share this is the most awesome way possible… with Rage Comics. Enjoy!

(Also, goes without saying, but LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS ahead so don’t click through or read more if you care.)
Continue reading “Downton Rage”

The Sun Returns

December 21, 2012

I went outside earlier and looked up at the sky. Though mostly cloudy, to the south I could see it. A weak, distant sun.

Alright, sun. Come on back.

To which the sun replied, “Why should I?”

Because it’s the winter solstice. It’s dark here.

“But when I leave this nice Tropic of Capricorn, it’s gets dark in the south. Why are you so special?”

Not a matter of special. It’s just time.

“That’s your only reason? It’s just time? What if I want to stay over here?”

Pretty sure that’d be a natural disaster.

“And why should I care about that? You know, Earth, you are some piece of work. Expecting everything from me.”

We can’t help that.

“Not that you are so appreciative. Six months ago, when I was shining all brightly around you and leaving the south in the dark, weren’t you all just bitching about the heat?”

True, true.

“And why should I shine anywhere on your stupid planet? The crap you all do to each other. Should just let you all rot in darkness.”

We’re much more than just humans.

“Yeah, well, don’t get me started on spiders!”

And even so, what is this? Your own little naughty or nice list?

“Please! Santa is the one who stole that shit from me!”

Okay.

“But you know what I hate most of all? You humans and your little solstice celebrations and the like. I send light and energy your way, and you all decide to attach more shit to me than that. I’m a star that happens to be close to you. And you benefit from me and have life. A life of stupidity.”

Um… sorry?

“Stupidity! In that every six months, whichever hemisphere is dark wants me to come back the other way, but I’m not even the one who moved. It’s your own stupid planet that keeps spinning around me and tilting certain ways at certain times, and yet I catch flak for it. Well, I’ve had it.”

Going to turn yourself off? Going supernova so fast?

“No. I’ll just let you have what you want. Your northern days will steadily get brighter now, from your own planetary revolving and tilting. But come summer I’m giving you some massive heat!”

Well, okay. Though if all you actually do is sit there and cast out light and energy, some of which happens to reach us, how much control do you have over that?

“No need. Your greenhouse gases are doing that one well enough.”

Um… I think I’ll just go Christmas shopping now…

“You do that.”