Category: Decrees!

I hereby decree…

Above the Anti-Drug Influence

December 27, 2008

I hereby decree…

Make those horrible, mind-numbing, downright insulting anti-drug ads go the fuck away!

I swear, I want to break something and stab the nearest kitten in the eyes whenever an anti-drug ad comes on TV. Especially that particularly bad one they’ve been running that’s apparently about a boy watching his sister smoke pot in her room and the sight somehow traumatizing him and the ad somehow implying the pot is harming him just as much as her… What?! I haven’t the slightest idea what it’s supposed to mean, if anything. I’m quite sure the sole purpose is to make people whose IQ’s are above 50 want to take a few hits off a bong to ease the pain of the sheer stupidity, just so the Office of National Drug Control Policy can be like “oh noes, so many more people are smoking pot, pot will KILL YOU!!!11!”
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Mary Magdalene

December 21, 2008

I hereby decree…

Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute!

It’s a sort of “common knowledge” tidbit about the Bible that gets circulated around. Everyone is all like “ooh, Mary Magdalene was a hooker and then she found Jesus and was changed.” It gets believed she was the woman they were throwing stones at when Jesus made his famous declaration that only he who is without sin may cast the first stone at her.

But if you actually read the passage in the Bible (it’s in Luke somewhere), you see the woman there is not named.

So where are you people getting this?

I mean, it makes for a bit of an inspiring little story that even this unclean whore could still rise up to being one of Jesus’s disciples, in an unofficial sense. Or his wife depending on who you ask. But that is just not what’s in the story, whether the canon gospels or the lost ones.

Hell, isn’t there enough made up shit in scripture as it is? Must we add to it?

Median Occupancy One

December 16, 2008

I hereby decree…

If I’m trying to make a left turn and am on the median waiting for cars to go by so I can make the turn, and you’re behind me, stay behind me before you cross the first part of the road until I move, and then you can come to the median!

Did that make any sense?

Seriously, I’m trying to make a left turn, and the car behind me wants to make a left turn as well. When the cars heading to my right have gone by, I drive forward to the little break in the median and wait there so I can make my left turn.
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End the Innocence

December 8, 2008

I hereby decree…

Innocence is killing kids!

That’s right. You heard me.

Just what is this childhood innocence? What is this concept of innocence all adults collectively cling to and beset their children with? Honestly, I’m not sure anyone really knows.

Oh, well, surely I must be nuts, right? Why burden young children with the truths of the adult world? Why can’t they enjoy their young lives while they still can, in the bliss of ignorance?
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Margaritaville

July 7, 2008

I hereby decree…

The live bar performer will play Margaritaville.

Without exception, without fail. Or no, very much with fail. This song is way overplayed. Some loser with a guitar who got fortunate enough for some Saturday night bar gig where he’ll spend the evening badly covering various popular songs will soon enough stumble upon this Jimmy Buffett ballad.

People eat it up, as they often do with the most tiresome, clichè acts. “ZOMG, awesome, he’s playing Margaritaville while we’re in a bar, he’s liek sooo kewl!”

What other gems shall we hear? “Closing Time” perhaps? Maybe even “Tub Thumpin'”. Or, perhaps not, those are too recent. Still bar songs. Even if played, not the least bit creative, but with Margaritaville, shit, song’s old so everybody knows it and you don’t piss off the older bar goers who want to pretend the year 1980 has not yet come.

All I wanted was to go to a restaurant on some evening, but in the restaurant’s bar they have some dumb live band or whatever. Margaritaville will be played. That train is never late. I mean, the song stops being clever after the second or third time you hear it, if it ever was. Playing it over and over just speeds up the brain damage the bar people are already on the verge of with their copious alcohol consumption. Ugh.

(Speaking of stupidity, prepare yourself for like 500 comments all saying “ZOMG, finally, a new entry!”)

This has been Day 45 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 8.

New Window

April 4, 2008

I hereby decree…

Open it in a new window!

Holy crap, I haven’t written an entry in a while! Oh, well, here’s a new one. Be happy.

You know what pisses me off? Sometimes there’s a program on your computer that for some reason or another needs to go to a webpage. Perhaps to download an upgrade. Whatever.

Oh, did I mention you already had your browser open because you were in the middle of reading a page on the Fortress and admiring its awesomeness? Yeah.

So you click the link in the program to bring up a browser window with the page it must visit. But you see no new browser window. You are confused.

And then you realize.

The stupid program made the page open IN THE BROWSER WINDOW YOU ALREADY HAD OPEN! :doitnow:

What the shit?!

What the hell is the purpose of that?! No, don’t open in a new window in a nice unobtrusive way, a way that doesn’t interrupt anything you might already have going. Just move the page you’re already on into the other page.

Go die in a fire.

Candidate for the Camps

January 27, 2008

I hereby decree…

Don’t vote for Mitt Romney!

So what’s my problem with him? He’s a Republican? Don’t care about that. He’s a Mormon? REALLY don’t care about that. He’s against medical marijuana? Pfft, not a priority for me. So what’s so wrong with him?

The man who has been his biggest fundraiser until recently? Robert Lichfield. Do you know who that is? Go to a search engine and look up the name, and see what you find. If you don’t feel like doing that, then he’s the man in charge of an organization called WWASPS, which is a collection of many “schools” and “camps” around the country where “troubled” teens are sent to be straightened out.
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School Uniforms

December 19, 2007

I hereby decree…

Supporters of school uniforms are closet pedophiles.

I’ve been thinking about the issue of school uniforms earlier. Then I realized something. What kind of perverted jackass supports them? You hear the same old excuses they pull out of their asses about wanting students to be more equal, so the poor kids wouldn’t feel like they have shabby clothes while the rich kids have nice expensive clothes. That’s about all they come up with and they convince themselves over and over that it is a bullet proof argument, despite the very many factual errors. Such as schools with uniforms typically requiring uniform fees, for one.

No, they support it because they enjoy the idea of young kids being dressed in clothes they like to see them in. You just know these perverted old assholes are getting off at the thought of ten-year-old school girls in a little plaid skirt. They believe children are not people, but little beings for them to control for their own personal pleasure. So what do they do? They want to dress up the little “dolls” for their own gratification, in little outfits of their choosing.

Funny how the people most vocal about perverts on the internet will wholeheartedly support school uniforms. Talk about missing an obvious haven of pedophiles. Then again, protecting children in that sense is hardly their biggest priority.

And you people think those in charge really see children as innocent beings. You are quite fooled.

Why Are You Shopping Today?

November 23, 2007

I hereby decree…

Don’t shop today, idiot!

Seriously. Why are you shopping? This is the day notorious for being the busiest shopping day of the year, mostly because the stores have collectively made it that way because the crowds arouse them. Can’t just have a sale last all through Christmas time. Have to squeeze it into the wee morning hours of the day after Thanksgiving, so some people can get trampled because they’ve been stirred up into a frenzy like the mindless cretins they are.

Stay home. Nothing is that important. What’s really odd are the ones who actually do go to the store at 4am or something. Screw that. Stay home and sleep. How much of a dumb redneck are you that you must be sitting outside Wal-Mart in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, waiting for it to open so you can buy shit for your redneck family and friends?

Then again, maybe this is overhyped. Stores might not be quite as bad as they say, but I’m avoiding them nonetheless. They also say stores are horribly mobbed the few days before Christmas, but I used to do all my shopping between December 20 to 24, and I always did quite well. Crowds weren’t terrible. So maybe this is the same, that only the media and conventional knowledge are trying to make it look like a disaster, way worse than it is.

And people wonder why so many unfortunate souls have lost any Christmas cheer. All this forced stress. It’ll kill anything.