Category: Decrees!

I hereby decree…

It’s State-of-the-Art! (which, of course, means absolutely nothing)

May 10, 2006

I hereby decree…

Stop using the term “state-of-the-art” for anything!

I’ve been meaning to rant about this stupid crap for a while. It started a few years ago during my job searches. Seeing as possible employment for a biology grad like me was in biotech and pharmaceutical type companies, there I was perusing the many websites of suburban Maryland’s many such places. Ooh! They all use new, “state-of-the-art” technology! I’d say three out of every five websites I visited used this term at least twice. State-of-the-art methods. State-of-the-art machines. State-of-the-art facilities. State-of-the-art research. State-of-the-art products. State-of-the-art ways of wiping your ass. And don’t forget the state-of-the-art buzzwords! I’d say my About page pretty well demonstrates what that’s like.
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World Trade Center

March 9, 2006

I hereby decree…

They should rebuild the Twin Towers! Bigger ones! Better ones! Ones that don’t fall down when planes hit them!

Seriously, none of this “Freedom Tower” bullshit. It’d be WAY more patriotic to just rebuild the towers as they were (or bigger and better and resistant to planes, as decreed, hehe). Why? Because, otherwise, we’re letting the terrorists know they’ve succeeded in defacing our largest city. They destroyed a landmark. Yet it won’t just be rebuilt. They’re building something else entirely. Just a slap in the face that this something else has the intention of promoting patriotism, when its very existence will be an insult. Here’s how it should be:

World Trade Center: In Loving Memory of the old World Trade Center destroyed on September 11, 2001.

Basically saying to the terrorists “Whatever, bitch, we’ll just rebuild them. Did you really think that would scare us?”

Is that so fucking hard? Meh. Apparently so.

Lyrics

January 13, 2006

I hereby decree….

All music CDs must come with the complete and legible lyrics to every song on the disc.

Because, damn it, I’m so sick of finding CDs that don’t come with them.

It’s like, I buy a new CD. I play it. Good stuff! Now maybe I can finally find out what the hell the singer is actually saying in that great song! Oh, no! I take out the cover slip from the jewel case to find… no lyrics! Instead, I often find some pictures of the band or some nonsense phrases written in it (which aren’t in any of the songs), or maybe just copyright info and acknowledgements. Yes, because I really give a shit that the bassist would like to thank his parents for his success.
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Make It Chewable!

December 29, 2005

I hereby decree….

All vitamins and medicines must be chewable!

Well, not only chewable but tasty as well. I mean, technically vitamin B12 and One-a-Day pills can be chewed but they taste like shit. Chewing may become necessary if you’re like me and can’t swallow a pill that’s so fucking big. Boy, was I pleased to find Centrum makes yummy orange flavored chewable vitamins. They make children’s vitamins chewable and delicious! They can do it for all of them. And, damn it, they should!

Same goes for medicines. All medicines that it is humanly possible to do so for should have chewable versions. Keep the swallowing pill kinds for those who want it, but I want chewables! Yummy chewables that don’t taste like some sour or bitter shit. Stomach medicines are usually quite good about it. Good for them. Cold medicines? They need to be chewable. I mean, what fucking good is a big-ass pill going to be when one of the main symptoms of having a cold is throat and tonsil inflammation which, you guessed it!, makes swallowing especially difficult?! Grrr.

And syrupy or hot-liquid type medicines aren’t good either! Some are good (orange Triaminic, for one!), but they suck too. Alka-Seltzer is kind of a grey area. But, yeah, chewables all the way, dammit!