Category: Christmas Time!

From noon on Thanksgiving to midnight January 6… Christmas!!!

It Is the Season

December 9, 2014

Now for a holiday promotional edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Unless you are currently singing “Deck the Halls”, please stop saying “‘Tis the season!” You sound like a loser. And you probably are one. It doesn’t make your sentence more Christmassy. It just makes your sentence completely stupid and murders innocent brain cells in the process. Why would you do that? Why?

It always sounds so cutesy and/or forced. When I hear it in an ad or something, it’s like I can tell the speaker is gritting her teeth, glaring at whoever wrote the dialogue, and with her eyes promising to disembowel him later with a cork screw.

We contract “it is” to “it’s”. So we’d say “it’s the season”. Do you typically contract “it is” to “’tis”? If you do, okay then. If you do not in any other context, then quit being a dumbass.

These are probably the same people who complete a list of things this time of year with “and a partridge in a pear tree”.

The Ninth One

December 5, 2014

*begins music and chimes and crap*

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen

Are they the guys who own that gay bar down the street?

Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.

I only see Donner. With Comet’s, Cupid’s, and Blitzen’s antlers in front of him on his dinner plate.

But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?

If I know the less famous ones, I’d probably know the most famous. Unless I’m some kind of hipster.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose

Why is that? Does he have a cold?

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.

That’s a serious cold.

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

Hehe. Good friends ripping on each other. What fun.

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

Okay, that’s not friendly. That’s just bullying and bigoted.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

The millennia-old saint with flying reindeer and elves and a home at the North Pole who can break all of the laws of physics delivering gifts all over the world is stymied by fucking FOG!

Then how the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee,

So basically they changed their tune completely once he proved to be useful. Flaky assholes. Or did Santa make up all that “I can’t fly in fog!” crap just to pretend Rudolph was useful so the other reindeer would stop being dicks to him?

“Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer! You’ll go down in history!”

Brought to you by Montgomery Ward.

Good Kids, Bad Kids, Rewarded Kids, Murdered Kids

December 4, 2014

I’m so tired of the “naughty or nice” theme around Christmas giving. I’ve said before that Santa Claus doesn’t work that way and that those who say he does are assholes. Santa Claus is awesome and his story doesn’t need to continue being polluted with this manipulative nonsense.

There’s so much more to Christmas than this. There are legends and folklore from all over the place associated with the season. Let’s have a look!

First, here’s Befana:

In popular folklore Befana visits all the children of Italy on the eve of the Feast of the Epiphany to fill their socks with candy and presents if they are good or a lump of coal or dark candy if they are bad. In many poorer parts of Italy and in particular rural Sicily, a stick in a stocking was placed instead of coal.

D’oh! That’s no better. Still the good-bad nonsense.

Oh, well. Let’s try the Belsnickel:

The Belsnickel shows up at houses 1–2 weeks before Christmas and often created fright because he always knew exactly which of the children misbehaved. He is typically very ragged and mean looking. He wears torn, tattered, and dirty clothes, and he carries a switch in his hand with which to beat bad children.

What the holy fuck?!
Continue reading “Good Kids, Bad Kids, Rewarded Kids, Murdered Kids”

O Canon, Where Art Thou?

December 1, 2014

It’s Christmas time! It’s that magical time of year when the regular mundane world undergoes some little festive changes. Greensleeves becomes “What Child Is This?”. Forest Green becomes “O Little Town of Bethlehem”. Little Deuce Coupe becomes “Little Saint Nick”. And Pachelbel’s Canon in D becomes Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Canon“.

Christmas Canon!

When local radio station 97.1 WASH (dear God, I mention them a lot on here!) switched from their usual light pop to Christmas mode the Friday before Thanksgiving, I stayed by the radio, even while at work, all day, as I usually do when the Christmas songs start, to hear songs I hadn’t heard in 11 months. Songs I have mixed reactions to. But eventually they would play Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Canon”! The lovely piece of music that when I first heard it about eight years ago on this station on my alarm clock radio I thought the radio had somehow turned to a classical music station. Then I became a little obsessed with the song, because damn it, it is beautiful and YOU WILL BOW TO CHRISTMAS CANON!

So Friday before Thanksgiving I listened to the station at first on my alarm clock radio and later through their website when I got to work.

Canon?

No, just It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

Next song. Canon?

No, just O Holy Night.

Next song. Canon?

Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s… Christmas Eve Sarajevo 12/24 (the rockin’ Carol of the Bells rendition we all know and love). Welp, no more TSO for the rest of the hour then. I’ll get coffee.

Now what?

Oh, Caroling Caroling. I like that song. It’s cute.

Alright. How about Canon?

Nope. It’s the infamous Do They Know It’s Christmas?.

Come on! Many of these songs have been played several times already. Where the hell is Canon? It usually gets pretty frequent play.

Ugh, not Santa Claus Is Coming to Town!

Now yet another rendition of Silver Bells!

At least Happy Xmas (War Is Over) is getting a lot of play. That’s another one I don’t get tired of, whether John Lennon or one of the covers.

But where the hell is Christmas Canon? It’s been all day.

You know when I finally heard it? When I went home and played it on Winamp because of course I have the damn song. But I didn’t hear it on the radio station until the following Monday afternoon. Did they play it before then? I don’t know. Even I finally gave up after a while. But even though I’ve still had the station on during the day at work, I haven’t heard it on there since then.

In fact, Trans-Siberian Orchestra is touring right now, and will be in DC on the 17th. You know what the tour is promoting? Their album “The Christmas Attic”. The album which contains… Christmas Canon!

I mean, you’d think the station would want to play it more then! And even so, why not? They can play I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus as often as they do, which I really really doubt anyone actually likes, but the sweet aurally-pleasing Christmas Canon is getting totally snubbed this year.

So maybe I need to head over to the station with an ultimatum. And a cannon. Because apparently we’re all cartoon characters and thus have ready access to cannons. And I’ll say “Canon? Or cannon? Choose wisely.”

At worst, a miscommunication might leave me with a rather nice copier.

Take a Cup of Kindness

January 1, 2014

Happy New Year!

*taps conductor wand thingy*

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?

Depends. Were they good or were they dicks to you?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of Auld Lang Syne?

See above.

For Auld Lang Syne, my dear
For Auld Lang Syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne!

Getting wasted on kindness? Good idea!

*drinks*

Hmm. I might be immune. Oh, well.

Clusterfuck 2013

December 31, 2013

*pant* *wheeze* *gasp*

Huh, what? Is 2013 just about over? Ah, it is. What a ride. Well, let’s get right into it with months named like episodes and a lot of cryptic notes.

January: Ball of Yarn

-These are some bizarre interview questions.
-Reading Deathly Hallows again.
-Les Mis with Kathleen, Alexander, and Pam!

February: Baskets

-LOL Superbowl power outage
-Hey, Ravens won the Superbowl! Even if being a Redskins fan means I should hate them apparently.

March: In the Garden of Brookside

-Got some NYRA stuff!
-Ugh. Alex’s house caught fire.
-Bill saw last year’s recap and accused me of libel. Inb4 same with this one.
-Hmm. Job paying a lot less than previous and still didn’t get it because not qualified enough. :irked:
-Laser tag!
-#26 Freewill

April: The Right Side of History

-Me, to Takoma Park: “Lower the voting age! All the cool places are doing it!”
-Holy crap, is this thing actually going to pass?!

May: Fifteen Percent

-Aww, crap, I turned 30.
-Hardy? You’re going to get over the lymphoma, right? Right?
-Oh. Only months left tops. 🙁
-Oh no.
-RIP fellow NYRAnian, fellow board member
-And on that same day…
-In Takoma Park… “Councilmember Smith?” “Aye.” “Councilmember Seamens?” “Aye.” “Councilmember Schultz?” “Nay.” “Councilmember Male?” “Aye.” “Councilmember Grimes?” “Aye.” “Councilmember Daniels-Cohen?” “Aye.” “Mayor Williams?” “Aye.”
-And with that, the voting age was lowered to 16 in Takoma Park, MD.
-Just like that… #16tovote
-Oh. I got a job! Finally!
-I can do this. Must do a good job.
-So many minus-80 freezers!

June: Coffeemaker

-Hang on. One of the background music pieces in Lemmings is supposed to be Pachelbel’s Canon and I somehow never fucking knew this?! MIND BLOWN
-Whoa. What’s that thing hanging outside the walk-in freezer?
-Coworker: “If you stop moving, it starts chirping. If you still don’t move, it starts screaming. And they have to come drag your ass out.”
-Eep. Hope I don’t have to go in there!
-Hmm. We just got a week off because there isn’t anything to do. Oh, well.
-At least we were brought back.
-Finally telling off someone at NYRA who needed a good telling off. 😀
-Alright, I should probably be more specific, but if I did, he’d probably whine about libel again. :cute:

July: Stop! Hook up!

-Woo, Nationals game!
-Speeding?! You can get pulled over for speeding on I-270? Interesting.
-Okay, fine, I’ll run for the damn board again.
-Job just moved to me new location. Big but same basic job.
-Wow, those man-down devices for the walk-in freezers are loud!
-NYRAnians calling to confront ageist sushi restaurant in Virginia!
-I think I just scared WES. I called them out for ageism in a platform response. 😛
-What the mother of crap, did I just get pulled over again?
-What do you mean I was tail-gating?
-Huh? I need to go inside the walk-in freezer? Gulp…
-Okay, this isn’t so bad…
-And I’m in and out. Did what I needed to.
-LIKE A BOSS

August: Blueberry Muffin

-First the Snipers in Baltimore and then some more NYRAnians in DC.
-It’s not Annual Meeting day, but it damn well feels like it!
-Time for Kathleen to go to San Francisco.
-Even if it requires driving her to the airport at 5am. Sigh.
-Hmm. MLK Library may have to do for the AM.
-We’ll connect NYRA-Twin Cities to the DC AM by video chat!
-Okay, this worked out.
-If this AM sucked balls. Oh, well.

September: Maybe

-I’ve been laid off again?!
-Oh, lovely, now a prolonged power outage after thunderstorm… This will be a while…
-Hmm. Just five hours. Could have been a lot worse. Okay.
-OMG I met Heather Corinna!!!
-NYRA board meetings on Google Hangout? This is pretty awesome!

October: Labyrinth

-Meetings to plan Winter Festival!
-I want to play Kingdom Hearts again.
-Dear God, forgot how awesome this game is.
-Oh, no, I’ve got a cold. On Halloween!

November: Spinach Bean Thing

-Auction!
-Time for Sugarloaf climb!
-Dad sold the house? Oh no.
-I’ll make that spinach bean thing for community dinner.
-I’ll make it again for Thanksgiving!

December: A Platypus and a Sloth Skiing in the Alps

-Ordered holiday cards late again.
-Taking little brother to Winter Festival!
-I’m a smug skiing platypus!
-Uh oh. We’re leaking water into neighbor’s house somehow.
-Fucking heating condensation pipe! :irked:
-Cookies!
-Last Christmas in Grandma’s house. 🙁
-Followed by a week straight of moving shit out.
-And then settlement.
-And the house is no longer ours. As of this afternoon.
-But we went out to dinner.
-And I’ve just barely made a post every day in December!

And the ball is dropping now, we close the book on the veritable clusterfuck that was 2013! Oy.

Well, let’s see what 2014 has up its sleeve… :scared:

Themnal

December 27, 2013

Since the family is moving out of Grandma’s house this weekend (which has eaten up my time and made the daily posting here rather difficult but whatever), I have been occasionally just claiming items around the house I feel like keeping that no one else cares about anyway. One item I snatched last week was Grandma’s 1982 hymnal.

When I went home that night, I looked through the Christmas songs in it. Some I never heard of anywhere else, while others were very familiar and were sung on Tuesday night, as well as ones not done then but heard of nonetheless.

One song was Good Christian Men Rejoice. Only the lyrics didn’t say that. It said “Good Christian Friends Rejoice”. Huh.

Then Christmas Eve night, at the service, singing some of the very familiar songs out of copies of the same hymnal, I noticed some of the slight variations to the lyrics from more popular versions. In the second verse of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, where it’s usually “Pleased as man with men to dwell”, it instead read “Pleased as man with us to dwell”. And in the third verse, where it’s usually “born that men no more may die” it was “born that we no more may die”, and then where it’s usually “born to raise the sons of earth” it was instead “born to raise us from the earth” or something like that. Plus a few other little alterations like that, which never occurred to me much before. Until I saw the “Good Christian Friends” thing and put it all together…

The hymnal… is gender neutral. 😮

MIND = BLOWN

Cruel Frost Is Cruel

December 26, 2013

And a one and a two and…

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen

The mention of the Feast of Stephen being the single only reason this is a Christmas song.

When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even

Yeah, yeah, winter, got it.

Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel

Good. So you can see where you’re going while you freeze to death. Go inside!

When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.

Got to keep the car gassed up and heater all kerosened up.

Second verse!

“Hither, page, and stand by me,
If thou know’st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?”

Getting kind of nosy.

“Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain;
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes’ fountain.”

He’s a wizard who will eat you. Better stay home.

Third verse!

“Bring me flesh, and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither:
Thou and I shall see him dine
When we bear them thither.”

Leave people alone while they are eating!

Page and monarch, forth they went
Forth they went together;
Through the rude wind’s wild lament
And the bitter weather.

A lot of inter-class bonding in the NSA’s early years.

Fourth verse!

“Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger;
Fails my heart, I know not how;
I can go no longer.”

See? Your voyeuristic ways are getting your assistant killed.

“Mark my footsteps, good my page.
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter’s rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly.”

These alternative medicine cures to hypothermia are weird.

Fifth verse!

In his master’s steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod
Which the saint had printed.

Ohhh, got you. Wencie was dropping them glove warmer things from his feet. Or something. I guess.

Therefore, Christian men, be sure,
Wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor,
Shall yourselves find blessing.

Well, it beats getting mind-fucked by some ghosts Christmas Eve night at least.

Glaedelig Jul

December 25, 2013

I made cookies.

That’s the main thing. I’d been studying cookie recipes for about a week and got eager to finally try one out. Want to develop my own cookie recipe sort of. I’ve already got a muffin recipe, even if I haven’t made them in many years. But, it’s Christmas, so it’s cookie time, and I’ve put it off for too many years. Can’t just make and poorly-modify the store-bought Pillsbury dough. Got to make my own! 😀

Christmas is about the old and new.

So I watched specials. So I saw the family. So I went to the Christmas Eve late night church service. So I held the candle and sang Silent Night and for some reason found myself holding back inexplicable laughter. So I stayed up way too late wrapping presents.

And this morning I baked some more of my cookies.

Damn, they are good! If really goddamn sweet.

There’s white chocolate and milk chocolate and peanut butter and butterscotch! 😀

This morning, opened presents and saw the little brother get another damn train.

The new were my cookies.

The old is this old house that has belonged to my family since my grandparents bought it in 1965. Every Christmas of my life has brought me to this house.

And it’s been sold and we’re moving out next week before the year is even up.

Well… I don’t know what to say about that anymore. Certainly not giving any more details than that.

I’ve got a lot of Christmas traditions, from those lasting my whole life, such as the simple opening presents with family and having our feast of roast beast, and watching the ball drop on New Year’s Eve. To newer ones like the Christmas Eve night service, having gone to it every year since 2003, with a few times before then. To NYRA’s holiday cards since 2006. To Washington Ethical Society’s Winter Festival since 2009. And to whatever others may come in what I sure hope will be many more iterations of this holiday.

Can’t say it’s totally happy right now.

But I’ve got cookies. They’re awesome.

Easter Creep

December 22, 2013

So I was at the grocery store earlier getting some food and avoiding going home to cringe at the Redskins game. I’m in the holiday aisle with a crapton of Christmas goodies, though not quite as much as they had last week. Despite the obvious fact Christmas hasn’t actually gotten here yet.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, occupying just one little area but present nonetheless… Easter candy.

Seriously! Three days before Christmas, and the Easter candy is out.

Know when Easter is in 2014? April 20. It’s going to be one late ass Easter this coming year. And stuff for it is appearing already.

Mary’s not even two centimeters dilated and we’re already planning her son’s crucifixion.

Though one could argue it’s fitting, as Christmas/Winter Solstice celebrations all come down to promising that Easter/Vernal Equinox will come. If four months away still. If the (freakishly warm) Winter Solstice was only yesterday.

Already there are the Peeps. Already there are the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. Already there are Cadbury Creme Eggs…

…

I’m okay with this.