Category: Christmas Time!

From noon on Thanksgiving to midnight January 6… Christmas!!!

Not a Christian Holiday

December 26, 2014

I hereby decree…

Christmas is not a Christian holiday.

Well, it’s not.

Yeah, “Christ” is right there in the name, and I find switching the name “Christmas” out with “Solstice” or “Yule” to be really fucking obnoxious. But Christmas is not a Christian holiday. And it shouldn’t be.

There are Christian aspects of it, and that’s how it got its name (in certain languages anyway). There’s the nativity story and the midnight masses. But that’s about it. And that’s far from all there is to the holiday.

I see people getting all up in arms, that they feel being wished a Merry Christmas somehow excludes them because they are not Christian. Which is fucking stupid. Christmas is not a religious holiday. It’s a holiday of lots of stories and symbols of varying degrees of association to the winter solstice. It’s everything this very awesome Cracked article talks about.

What do we do for Christmas? It varies. I go to the late night Christmas Eve church service, but that’s about the extent of any explicitly Christian activities for the holiday. Other than the Christmas carols whose subject is the nativity, but those are just telling stories, right alongside the other songs telling about glowing fog-light noses or sentient snowmen or a man playing the cello while Sarajevo gets bombed. Other than that, it’s a lot of twinkling lights, fuzzy garland, sparkly pine trees, candy and cookies, and of course gift exchange. Much of it is derived from other religions’ winter solstice traditions, but other than that, there’s nothing Christian or otherwise religious here (well, unless you want there to be, but it’s up to the individual on that one). Some aspects are specific to certain cultures or regions, but as a whole, it’s just a worldwide human thing.

So that’s why I don’t get why people think they’re being excluded. They’re human and part of the world, aren’t they?

С Рождеством!

December 25, 2014

Oh, have I run out of Roman alphabet languages already? Er, no, there’s a few more. Next year, next year…

Well, nothing all that unusual about this Christmas. Same stuff. Work early on Christmas Eve, which was cool, not because I had to work but because I actually have a job at Christmas time for the first time in three years. Then cookie baking. Then putting up with family. Then church and Silent Night. Then wrapping presents. Then finally in bed at almost 6am, having been awake nearly 22 hours.

Anyway, it’s Christmas Day. Today is for joy. For love. For peace. For hope. For generosity.

We’re a bunch of assholes to each other much of the year, in many ways. But for this day, let’s just try not to be. Let’s at least be the peace we want the world to be. Let’s put kindness and understanding first. Let’s forgive and be together and be happy. Let’s put aside differences and annoyances. Even if just for this day. So that even when we go back to our normal rotten selves, we’ve at least had a taste of what could be. So we know it’s possible, at least in theory, at least in small doses.

Or, well, that would surely be nice. Anyway, I’m stuck with my family today. Excuse me while I get back into the fray. *cocks shotgun*

Merry Christmas!

Three Ships Too Far

December 23, 2014

Yay, Christmas songs are fun! 😀

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day in the mor-

*massive earthquake*

*reality itself seems to split at the seams*

Whoa! What’s happening?

“OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD!”

Huh? What? What’s overloaded?

“THERE IS TOO MUCH SHIT IN THE NATIVITY SCENE!”

There is? How so?

“HOW SO?! THINK ABOUT IT. IT’S FAR BEYOND JUST MARY, JOSEPH, JESUS, AND THE STAR. THERE ARE SHEPHERDS. THERE ARE THREE WISE MEN. THERE ARE A CRAPLOAD OF FARM ANIMALS. THERE’S THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY. AND NOW… FUCKING SHIPS!”

I didn’t write that song. I was just singing it. Besides, what’s wrong with ships?

“THERE ARE NO BODIES OF WATER CLOSE ENOUGH TO BETHLEHEM FOR SHIPS TO MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!”

What if they’re flying ships?

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD THERE BE FLYING SHIPS? HONESTLY!”

For the same reason there’s a baby born from a virgin impregnated by God, under a conveniently placed star. Why the hell not flying ships?

“ONE SUPERNATURAL THING AT A TIME!”

Speaking of supernatural, what the hell are you supposed to be?

“NEVER YOU MIND.”

How about repairing reality? Whatever you are, you sure pitch a fit when the nativity scene gets out of whack. Wait, does this mean you’re…?

“EVERYTHING NORMAL!”

*reality restores itself*

Huh. That was weird.

Background Music

December 21, 2014

You know what’s fun about listening to Christmas music? Well, a lot of things.

One thing is that it makes everything you do seem like it’s part of your very own Christmas special. That mundane actions suddenly become festive.

Filing paperwork? Meh. Filing paperwork with “Sleigh Ride” in the background? Festive!

Driving to the grocery store? Meh. Driving to the grocery store with “Jingle Bell Rock” in the background? Festive!

Stuck in traffic while in a hurry? Meh. Stuck in traffic while in a hurry with “Carol of the Bells” in the background? Festive!

Sitting around eating cookies? Delicious. Sitting around eating cookies with “Holly Jolly Christmas” in the background? Still delicious. And festive.

Hurry Down

December 18, 2014

What’s that sound? Is that Eartha Kitt?

Oh no. Aww, man, I hate this song!

…

Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree for me.
I’ve been an awful good girl.

Fur is murder, you know. How good can you be?

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

He’s got a lot of other houses to visit. Settle down.

Santa Baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue
I’ll wait up for you dear.

I think you’re supposed to be asleep when he visits- ohhhh…

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

You just requested a specific car. Give him a minute!

Think of all the fun I missed

What fun? Did you not go on a roller coaster you wanted to ride?

Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.

Whoa! Why would Santa have any problem with you kissing someone? Are you… saving yourself for Santa?

Next year I’ll be just as good
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.

Wait, seriously, how does having fun or kissing a guy make you not good? That’s not right.

Santa Baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot

You’re getting an inflatable raft and you’re going to like it!

I’ve been an angel all year.

Somehow I think we have different definitions of “angel”.

Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.

There are children who might not get a Christmas meal, but yeah, he should rush right out and get you a goddamn boat.

Santa Honey, one thing I really do need… the deed

A deed? To what? A mansion? A fancy car? A fancy resort?

To a platinum mine.

Wha… what? Huh? What?

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

He’ll get to you when he gets to you. Go take a cold shower.

Santa Cutie, fill my stocking with a duplex and checks

Wait, a duplex? As in one of them townhouses with one other house attached? Rather than, say, a mansion. And even so, it needs to be inside the stocking. With checks. What, too good for tens and twenties?

Sign your X on the line

What makes you think Santa is illiterate?

Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.

Yes, yes, hurry and supply a mediocre house and an unspecified amount of money.

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s

Pick up some breakfast while you’re at it.

I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me.

Giggity?

Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing

Uh oh.

A ring

Wait…

I don’t mean on the phone!

I… didn’t think you meant that at all. Are you supposed to be Mrs. Claus then? *facepalm*

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight!

Yeah… he’ll get right on that…

Coventry Carol 2

December 17, 2014

A couple years ago I wrote about Coventry Carol and what I realized about the lyrics.

About a tiny child, presumably Jesus, being referred to as a youngling.

And that Jesus, therefore, is a Jedi.

But just recently I learned some more about the song, in that said tiny child actually isn’t Jesus. The song is about the Massacre of the Holy Innocents. When Herod went looking for Jesus in order to kill him and ended up ordering all first born boys under age two to be killed.

The song is a mother singing to her soon-to-be murdered baby.

Oh.

Well, this doesn’t change anything. It just means that the Bible forgot the part where Obi-Wan shows up and walks among the slain sadly, saying “Not even the younglings survived.”

Secular Spirit

December 16, 2014

Now for a non-theistic, festive edition of…

Here’s to You!!!!

So I raise my glass and say, “Here’s to you, non-religious people who love Christmas!”

Yeah, that speaks for itself. People who aren’t religious but still love Christmas are a special breed as far as I’m concerned.

I think first of my former coworker. First work day after Thanksgiving, she and I were both putting up our respective tiny Christmas trees in our office space, which we both took down at the same time after Epiphany. She had been raised Catholic and remained one into adulthood, but after a while had enough of it. She wanted nothing more to do with religion, but she sure kept Christmas.

You can so easily have the Christmas without the Christianity. Either remove the Jesus element entirely or, better yet, treat it like just another Christmas legend, with the miracle virgin birth in the manger under the star right there alongside the snowman who comes to life when a magic hat is on his head.

I sort of wandered away from Christianity several years ago (as the progression of posts in the Occasional Godliness category sure demonstrate!) but I still go to my old church on Christmas Eve night. And you know what? I’ve always loved Silent Night and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing and other classic carols, but I think I’ve come to appreciate them more since I pulled away from the mindset that one must believe these stories actually took place. I mean, who cares if it’s real or not? It most likely isn’t, but there’s no reason that should diminish the holiday at all. If anything, it just takes the pressure off!

And this shout out is to those who adore this holiday season without the “It’s all about Jesus!” junk. This shout out is for those who aren’t hung up on the idea that not being Christian means not having a place in the festivities. And those who gladly celebrate and don’t waste energy whining about traditions being “stolen” from other religious celebrations (which, being non-religious, they don’t believe in anyway).

And even in secular form, still calling it “Christmas” because, hey, why the fuck not?

No Glowing Anymore

December 15, 2014

So I was listening to (sigh, here it is again) the Christmas music on 97.1 WASH the other day at work via its website, when I glanced at the page to see what the next song was going to be.

It was…

The Rolling Stones, “Paint It Black”

Huh? That’s not even in the station’s regular lineup. (Awesome song, though.)

I had the music turned down to barely audible at the moment so I turned it up. What was actually playing was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Now ever since I keep singing to myself “I have a red nose and I want it painted black…”

Hey, it fits! 😀

Holiday Whining

December 14, 2014

People complain way too much about this time of year. I do too, I suppose. Complaining about complaining is especially annoying. But, fuck it, I’m doing it anyway. 😛

So here are some responses to all the bullcrap you people keep bitching about this season.

“Jesus is the reason for the season!”
Shove a nativity set up your ass.

“Everything about Christmas is stolen from pagans!”
Eat the above-mentioned nativity set.

“It’s too early for Christmas music/decorations! It’s only December 20!”
Consider a diet consisting solely of poinsettia petals.

“Christmas is so commercial!”
Yet you’re making an awful lot of money saying exactly that in Christmas specials and songs.

“Jesus was definitely not born on December 25!”
And you should definitely not have been born at all.

“Why don’t stores say ‘Merry Christmas’ anymore? Why?”
There’s almost half a gallon left of last year’s egg nog. Why don’t you finish it off?

“I don’t call it Christmas. I call it Yule.”
I wish “you’ll” shut the hell up and die.

“Remember what Christmas is all about.”
For you, I hope it involves choking on a candy cane.

“I heard three seconds of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ while at the store! I’m so sick of Christmas music!”
Maybe you should be tied down and forced to listen to FOUR seconds of it.

“If there is a Christmas tree here, there should be a menorah, too! Why isn’t there a menorah?”
I hope some of that latke grease flies up and hits you in the eye.

“Why is there a menorah here? Why are we catering to the Jews?”
I hope the one who got latke grease in the eye runs you over while driving around blindly.

“Christmas is about family, not presents and stuff!”
I hope your family realizes you’re an asshat and abandons you in a snow drift this year. Without a coat or anything because that’s just “stuff”.

“I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas!”
Neither did I. Which was for you to get impaled on a holly branch.

Christmas in Africa

December 11, 2014

You’d think I should know better now after what happened last week, but I’ve continued browsing cool Christmas stuff on Wikipedia. And so far there has been significantly less child abuse.

I was looking through the Christmas Traditions article, with what countries all over the world do at Christmas. It’s pretty neat. Haven’t gotten all the way through it yet.

I had the radio on, playing the Christmas music. And guess what notoriously geographically-impaired song came on!

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time. The greatest gift they’ll get this year is light. Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor rivers flow… do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”

Umm…

Christmas in South Africa is a public holiday celebrated on 25 December. Many European traditions are maintained despite the distance from Europe.

Christmas trees are set up in homes and the children are given presents in their stockings. Traditional ‘fir’ Christmas trees are popular and children leave a stocking out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. The gift bearer is Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

The Christmas meal is mince pies, turkey, roast beef or a barbecue outdoors. The meal is finished with Christmas Pudding. Christmas crackers are used to make noise.

Okay, I guess they don’t mean South Africa. Surely the rest of Africa is devoid of holiday spirit- oh…

Christmas Day is a public holiday in Nigeria which is always marked by the emptying of towns and cities as Nigerians that have been successful returning to their ancestral villages to be with family and to bless those less fortunate. As the towns and cities empty, people jam the West African markets to buy and transport live chickens, goats and cows that will be needed for the Christmas meals.

On Christmas Eve, traditional meals are prepared according to the traditions of each region. Rather than having sweets and cakes, Nigerians as a whole tend to prepare various meats in large quantities.

Huh. Okay, Nigeria seems to have this whole Christmas thing down. But then again, that song was more specifically about Ethiopia, right? And it’s not like they- oh, look at that!

Christmas Day in Ethiopia is celebrated on January 7. Many people who are Christian in Ethiopia, go to Church on the Eve of Christmas, and stay there all night until 4am the next day on Christmas while doing many spiritual prayer and rituals like Liturgy and Holy Communion.

Oh, snap!

Well, alright. Ethiopia has a lot of Coptic Christians. They in fact do know it’s Christmas time, just like Nigeria and South Africa. But maybe it’s just them, and that the rest of Africa doesn’t know about Christmas…

Or they do, since according to this map, only in Morocco, Mauritania, Libya, Tunisia, SADR, and Somalia is Christmas NOT a public holiday.

Though the song is from 30 years ago so who knows what’s different between then and now. And there’s some new version of it out now that seems to have changed the above line. That’s something. But the original is played frequently, complete with misleading information. And it’s stuck in my head now and I’m still annoyed because it’s three weeks into the Christmas music and I’ve only heard them play Canon twice with its nice lyrics of not-totally-sure-what-but-at-least-not-geographical-misrepresentation. :irked: