Mmmm, Candy Hearts 9

February 14, 2014

Huh? Does this heart say “Just Meh”? Wow, these things have lost their luster.

Oh, wait. It says “Just Me + U”. Was a little faded. That makes more sense.

*picks out another heart*

“Hold hands”. Aww, how cute. I suppose.

Anyway, wow, the ninth installment of this crap. What’s annoying around love and relationships now on this Valentine’s Day? I don’t know. What haven’t I covered? It’s just about some people having strong if irrational feelings for one another and acting incredibly silly about it, while their friends and relatives tease them to no end…

Aha! Teasing. What the hell?

Okay, last year I was sort of teasing those who have crushes because of all the stupid questions and worries. But that behavior kind of deserves it, even if understandable to those of us who have been there. That’s just it, though. It is understandable, and one can only blame these people so much. Simply having the feelings in the first place is fine, even if a special kind of hell.

It happens at any stage, whether just a crush or an actual relationship. We’ve all heard it: “Oooh, someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend!”

Seriously? I mean, plenty of people have insecurities around these feelings or the stability of new relationships, and your response is to make them even more self-conscious? I remember reading Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility a couple years ago, and the annoying old woman in it, Mrs. Jennings, is teasing some minor character about her interest in some guy, and she comments to someone else “Young people love being teased about their crushes!” And all I could think was, umm, NO, young people do not like being teased about that or anything for that matter, even two hundred years ago, you’re a bitch, shut up. :irked:

And about 15 years ago or so, my cousin, who’s a year older than me, was getting ready for prom or otherwise about to meet up with some guy she was into (okay, I forget the exact circumstances but the point is there was a guy). My mom teased her endlessly about it, until I finally said, “Mom, leave her alone.” And my mom replied with something like “I’m her aunt, I get to tease her about these things!” She’d have done the same to me at some point, except I have yet to actually subject any friends to her presence since then, a decision I made at that time. 😛

I mean, a simple “congratulations!” or at least “okay, that’s cool” upon hearing about someone’s new relationship is perfectly fine. More than that, unless explicitly allowed, is just asinine.

Just like the messages on these hearts.

“ALL MINE”. Possessive much? “COOL DUDE”. Ah, there you go, what guy doesn’t get an immediate erection from being told that? “U R GR8”. Thanks, text messaging heart! “HEY BABE”. Hmmm, those movies were a while ago, so I’m pretty sure that pig is long dead. That’s kind of a downer.

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 8

February 14, 2013

Can I really do another one after last year’s kicked so much ass? Of course I can.

While I sit here on this Valentine’s Day, munching my candy hearts, what is stupid about love and relationships that I feel like blasting now? So many questions…

Wait. That’s it! So many questions!

It’s probably a cliche that when you develop feelings for someone, your common sense pretty much dies. Maybe even your whole brain. And suddenly… everything is suspect and questionable. Usually, things being suspect and questionable means you’re intelligent, but this is a big exception to that.

Ever developed an interest in someone? Or watched a friend do so? Most likely. And you know it’s not pretty. Because you know what it means…

“Why hasn’t he/she called yet?”
“I sent him/her a text five minutes ago. Why no reply? Does he/she hate me?!”
“What did he/she mean by that?”
“Oh no! He/She mentioned an ex in the course of conversation. He/She must want to go back to the ex!”
“What was that look he/she gave me? What is that about? What does it mean?!”
“Oh God, I think he/she is mad at me. He/She said [insert completely benign ambiguous statement]! What does it mean? Why does he/she hate me?”
“I called him/her and he/she was busy. I’m sure it’s a lie. He/She is just avoiding me.”
“How soon should I talk to him/her again?”
“Do you think this will EVER work? Or will he/she hate me FOREVER?”

I’ve heard all of these from a number of people over the years. I’ve even said some of these, most regrettably. Not very attractive, is it? Of course not. It’s fucking stupid. It’s the stupidity that is the void left when one’s brain has fallen into a deep dormancy when one’s heart and/or genitals get all “WANT!”

Might have thought this is mostly what those more inexperienced with relationships do, but no, even those who’ve been through many still act this way. Honestly, how anyone ever hooks up after wading through this bullshit is beyond me. Probably just thinking, with their last inkling of brain power, “That sex better be damn good!” I suppose it is.

Oh, well. *eats candy hearts* What does this one say? TALK 2 ME. Oh, isn’t that cute, it uses a 2 instead of “to”. YOU FLIRT. Um, sure. HEAD/HEELS. Ha! It’s one of them puzzles. I’M IN LOVE. Uh oh. Careful, candy heart, before you start saying the shit listed above.

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 7

February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine’s Day!

And now, for a candy munching, romance crunching edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

There’s no such thing as the “friend zone”!

It’s called… she’s just not into you romantically/sexually, but you can’t accept that, so you instead misogynistically pathologize it.

It’s the idea that a girl who to chooses to remain platonic friends with a guy has put him in the supposedly dreaded “friend zone”, but he doesn’t want to be her friend because he wants to be her boyfriend, and he hates it oh so much when she dates some other guy or expresses dissatisfaction with said other guy or with prospective romantic partners in general, because how dare she say that when she turned him down!

Come off it. Seriously, girls, just like guys, are just into someone that way right now or not. It’s not more complicated than that. There are no special “zones”. Nor is there something about being someone’s friend that kills the possibility of it being something else later (though that of course depends on the people involved).

We’ve all heard it. The self-proclaimed “nice guy” can’t understand why a girl he’s interested in isn’t interested in him. So instead of just, you know, accepting that it’s not going to happen and moving on with his life, he assumes she’s the one who has some “female problem” and that’s the real reason she’s not into him. Because why else would she turn down such a Nice Guy like you?

But wait, there’s more!
Continue reading “Mmmm, Candy Hearts 7”

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 6

February 14, 2011

*munches candy hearts*

What are they saying? “YOU RULE”. Yes, yes, I know. “HELLO”. Well, hello yourself, little candy heart! “MY CUTIE”. Why, thank you! “SEE YA”. Bye! “GET REAL”. Well, fine, be that way!

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, the sixth installment of Mmmm, Candy Hearts, the Sure, Why Not? Valentine’s Day tradition! Where I remark about how people who are in relationships or are dying to be in relationships just utterly fail hard. I don’t claim to be an expert, not that anyone can really make that claim, but sometimes watching the way people handle this hot potato known as love is just intriguing.
Continue reading “Mmmm, Candy Hearts 6”

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 5

February 14, 2010

*munches candy hearts*

Alright, for this fifth installment, what else is stupid about relationships?

Couples who seem to think they have a monopoly on each other’s personal relationships with anyone. Like a guy who is talking to a girl, and the girl’s boyfriend comes up to him all like “hey, what the fuck are you doing talking to my girlfriend?” Even if the conversation couldn’t be less about sex or any other “incriminating” topic.

Though of course it’s just a TV show, just like on House when he’s having all those hallucinations about Amber, and at first he lied to Wilson about it to say he was imagining Kutner instead, until he accidentally lets slip that it’s really Amber, and Wilson is all like “why are you hallucinating about my dead girlfriend?” Yeah, right, Wilson, not like House knew Amber as anything else. Not like she was the last person removed from his reality show-esque competition for his new diagnostic team. Not like she was already in his life before you were ever with her. Nope, she became your girlfriend and suddenly everything about her had to go through you. :rolleyes:
Continue reading “Mmmm, Candy Hearts 5”

Mmmm, Candy Hearts 4

February 14, 2009

Another Valentine’s Day has come upon us, so here is another lecture for all you semi-happy couples out there for you to know that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!!

Why? Because you people can’t just simply let the relationship be one part of your lives. You seem to think you have to give your entire life to the relationship! And when you do that, you’re going to have a bad time.

For example, if your significant other is a vegetarian, do you feel obligated to become one yourself (whether or not your partner requests it)? If your answer to that question is yes, then YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
Continue reading “Mmmm, Candy Hearts 4”