Alright, I think after not doing it the past two years, I’ll throw in yet another anti-Mother’s Day spiel. Why not?
Although, in a weird change of pace, I’m not so much attacking mothers this time but more the stereotypes and lofty expectations, the vision of what an ideal mother is supposed to be.
I heard a quote the other day (for those of you here in the DC-area, it was 97.1 WASH’s “thought of the day” they do every morning) which was something like “when there are four pieces of pie left for five people, it’s the mother who says ‘I never cared too much for pie anyway.'”
Another example. On a Simpsons episode from last year or so, at the beginning, the family is making these shoeboxes so they could watch the upcoming solar eclipse. They each have their own, but Homer is a dumbass and breaks his and thus can’t watch the eclipse. What does Marge do? Practically without thinking about it or even being asked, she hands hers over to him, and now she has to be left out of watching the solar eclipse (only to end up looking up anyway and getting blinded).
In both scenarios, WTF? People act like “oh, mothers are so wonderful, they never think of themselves!” Uh, not quite. More like they are expected to never think of (or for) themselves! Had Marge not given Homer her shoebox and told him “you broke yours, your loss, go to hell”, then she would have looked like a bitch. Had the mother taken one of those four pie pieces and someone else had to go without, she would have looked greedy.
So it’s a little hard to act like Mother’s Day is oh so wonderful, worshipping those oh so altruistic moms, when they’re tacitly bullied into being oh so altruistic. I mean, yes, motherhood is extremely difficult, I’m not saying otherwise. And having all these expectations, that she’s a horrible terrible person if she doesn’t live up to every single one, only makes it a zillion times harder. Yeah, you celebrate mom by putting her on a high pedestal, but it’s a small pedestal and she can easily fall hard from it. Your stupid little brunch or card aren’t going to change that. Instead, you reserve only one day a year of meaningless gestures, which really only solidifies the idea that you are entitled to her selfless concessions.
In other words, your mother is just another person. She’s not more special nor entitled to unconditional forgiveness for things that if anyone else had done it, you’d never speak to them again or could take them to court to be put in jail for a long time. But once you’re tall enough to work the washer and dryer, she shouldn’t be doing your laundry anymore. She shouldn’t be cleaning your room if you’re physically developed enough to do it yourself. (Obviously, when I say selfless concessions, I’m not referring to taking care of small children, that is kind of required since they can’t take care of themselves yet. She also still has a responsibility to be there emotionally for the kids and not neglect them or walk out on them, so not referring to that either, just to be clear.)
Yet there’s another little motherly expectation. That she’s supposed to want to be your damn maid. That she’s supposed to want to wait on you long after you’re plenty big enough to do it for yourself. She’s supposed to be heartbroken when you can do it on your own. Which is a problem, because that means that the whole meaning of motherhood means dependence on her, that you’re helpless without her. And that if she doesn’t treat you like you’re helpless, and isn’t overbearing and overprotective and hovering and controlling, then she must be a baaaaad mommy.
Oh, come on, you knew I was going to work the youth rights angle in here somehow! 😉
The “ideal” mother is essentially supposed to disrespect you and your autonomy, to think you’re a baby all the time. Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard the stupid “you’re always a baby to your mom” crap. It’s one thing that she may have that feeling in the back of her mind, but it’s another to be giving that silly irrational feeling validity. Because the “ideal” mother is also supposed to be silly and irrational in general.
And as such, a mother who respects you is seen as not doing her job. If she isn’t forcing you to eat healthy, making sure your face is clean every five minutes, restricting your TV and internet, or doing any number of other things against your will because it’s “for your own good”, she’s a baaaad mommy. And apparently, you’re not supposed to recognize these actions as being abusive and coercive, which they very much are, but to just act like that is part of her difficult job.
Basically, moms and kids are expected to have a relationship dynamic that amounts to being each other’s doormat. There’s no real respect, no cooperation, no communication… just concede to the other wordlessly. And for some reason every May we worship this system, even though it is very unhealthy and only leads to resentment.
Maybe stick to real respect and real honesty and integrity, like being there for each other and allowing each other to be who they are. Maybe instead of kissing your mom’s ass all the time (or just today) because “oh, she’s done so many selfless wonderful things for me!”, perhaps stop expecting her to do those things to begin with and do them for your own damn self. Maybe Mom can just keep her own eclipse-watching shoebox or take the piece of pie that she wants, and not have to later be all resentful and demanding stilted fake respect.
And maybe quit acting like families that – gasp! – stray from this dynamic, and don’t have the unconditional reverence to parents or the hovering and overbearingness over kids, are somehow faulty, wrong, or disrespectful. When, really, those families are the only ones doing it right.