Away Messages

February 24, 2006

I am currently away from the computer.

Really? No shit. Imagine that something called an Away Message tells you that, hey, you’re not there! It’s like phone messages that say “I couldn’t answer the phone.” Well, thank you. I had no idea. Idiot.

People, put something more interesting in your Away Messages. Just delete that default “I am currently away from the computer.” bullshit. It’s stupid. And if you don’t delete it, at least don’t use it. Write your own fucking message. Why aren’t you answering IMs? Give a better answer. Here’s some ideas.

Can’t talk. Eating.

I’m dirty, so I’m in the shower.

I’m at work.

I ate some bad egg salad. I’ll be in and out of the bathroom for the rest of the day.

I’m sleeping, go away.

I don’t feel like answering your nonsense right now. Leave me the hell alone.

I’m in a bad mood, shut up.

If this isn’t important, fuck off.

If you aren’t Alex, Ken, or Chris, eat shit.

Oh, God, not you again.

What the hell are you IMing me for? Don’t you see the little yellow notepad icon by my screen name? I’m not here, dumbass!

Any variant of those gems will do. Be creative! Even some random song lyric, funny quote, or something along those lines is fine. Don’t bore me with anything pre-packaged by fucking America Online. Yeah, we’re using their product, but doesn’t mean you’ve got to use their default shit. Damn.

And don’t use anything that includes the screen name of whoever happens to be reading the message. Those are stupid, too.

In fact, for your pleasure, here are all of my current saved Away Messages. Enjoy!

I don’t want the world. I just want your half. (from the They Might Be Giants song “Ana Ng”)

Katrina’s not here, man.

If you don’t repay money you owe, a dinosaur squishes your head.
-Roy Rooster
(from “Garfield and Friends”)

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right times
But I mean nothing to you
And I don’t know why.
(“Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon)

It took a day to build the city
I walk through its streets in the afternoon.
As I return across the fields I’ve known
I recognize the walls that I once made
Had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I laid

And if I build this Fortress
Around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
Let me set the battlements on fire.
(from “Fortress Around Your Heart” by Sting) 😎

I’m not in the best mood right now. Might not want to message me lest I bite your fucking head off, you piece of shit! Oh, dear. Seems I did already.

Go away. It’s gummi bear time, not devil time. (from “Tale of the Tower“)



Out taking advantage of suckers. Back soon. (from Kings Quest 7)

Uncrating a pack of lies. Back soon. (also from Kings Quest 7)

Can’t talk. Playing game.

Hail to the Redskins!
Hail, victory!
Braves on the warpath
Fight for old DC!!!
(Redskins fight song) :rockon:

Another day, another sandwich…

It’s too heavy. You don’t have room for it in your purse. It’s not yours. You can’t do anything with the shovel. You have more important things to do than use the shovel. Besides, the shovel is rusted into place. (from Laura Bow 2: Dagger of Amon Ra)

What’s that smell? Uh oh, it’s me. Shower!

Like most criminals, he started small: overdue library books, stepping on cracks, and calling information for numbers he could just as easily have looked up himself. (from “Garfield and Friends”)

Yay! Tuna casserole!

Those are my Away Messages. Most of them, anyway. They rock. Yours suck. So there.