Year, that is! 😀
Today we wish a Happy 3rd Birthday to… Eight Mine Fortress!
Moving along like before, despite a rather sparse year of entries on here and even sparser on new content for the other sections. More than half of this year’s entries are this month alone!
Here’s to year four! 
I hereby decree…
Make those horrible, mind-numbing, downright insulting anti-drug ads go the fuck away!
I swear, I want to break something and stab the nearest kitten in the eyes whenever an anti-drug ad comes on TV. Especially that particularly bad one they’ve been running that’s apparently about a boy watching his sister smoke pot in her room and the sight somehow traumatizing him and the ad somehow implying the pot is harming him just as much as her… What?! I haven’t the slightest idea what it’s supposed to mean, if anything. I’m quite sure the sole purpose is to make people whose IQ’s are above 50 want to take a few hits off a bong to ease the pain of the sheer stupidity, just so the Office of National Drug Control Policy can be like “oh noes, so many more people are smoking pot, pot will KILL YOU!!!11!”
Continue reading “Above the Anti-Drug Influence”
Now for a super concentrated, sparkly edition of…
YOU SUCK!!!!
What is this obsession over diamond jewelry? What is with this cult-like indoctrination that all women ever want as a gift is diamonds?
It’s bad enough having to see the mind-numbing jewelry store commercials all the time. Oh, he went to Jared? Translation, he gave a blowjob to a guy named Jared to afford the $20,000 bracelet he just bought you.
Continue reading “Stupidity Is Forever”
Once more, Christmas has come upon us. Christmas of 2008, the year which has proven to be truly a year where anything can happen and most likely will. Yesterday, was another Christmas Eve, living up to its reputation, to me anyway, of being the longest day of the year. From still having to go to work, to having to stay at work a little after when the boss told us to go on home (11:30am) to wait for some FedEx package that I ended up giving up on, to finishing the wrapping of presents, to annoying family, to briefly stopping by a party being held by my mom’s Greek friend (i.e. there were like 100 people there and a fuckton of Greek food!), to getting to the late night Christmas Eve church service where I totally wore my Santa hat the whole time!
And an amazing thing happened.
Well, okay, it’s not that amazing. Anyway, near the end of the service, after communion, came time to sing Silent Night. Usually, with the lights low and everyone holding candles and the general mood of it, one can get a little emotional and teary-eyed. Not this time!
Good. Getting emotional like that is a minor loss of self control. Instead of the message being an emotional one, now the same tune and words, they brought happiness and a smile. Why? Emotions are weakness and a vulnerability. What good is being an emotional idiot over some religious passage? None. Instead, the words meant pretty much nothing, and there was merely a triumphant smile.
Yeah, Jesus is born, here to save us, blah blah blah… whatever. I do what I want. So I’m happy! And it’s the only way good can get done regardless of motivation. It’s a nice story, sure, and whether or not it’s true doesn’t really matter that much to me. That’s all fine and good, but the real question is what specifically I’m supposed to do about it. If anything, no different from what is done already. So what difference does it make?
Okay, one difference. And I’d rather be happy and smiling.
Merry Christmas!
That’s another Christmas song and phenomenon that irks me. I mentioned it last year in the Fallible Family entry, but I keep hearing this song so I’m thinking of this again.
“If you want to be happy in a million ways, for the holidays, you can’t beat home sweet home!”
The whole song is basically “leave wherever you are and go home several states away!”
Continue reading “Home for the Holidays”
It is one of my sincerest wishes that whoever came up with that awful song “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” should be tied down and stabbed in the ears with a long sword. That way, they’ll know how the rest of us feel whenever the song comes on the radio. I wish a similar penalty for whoever decided to put it on the air to begin with.
I mean, what the hell? It’s a horrid thing to hear and it’s just trying to sound all “cutesy” because the little kid is saying the whole word “hippopotamus” and that it sort of rhymes with Christmas. Not to mention it’s a ridiculous thing to want as a gift. On all counts, it’s right up there on the annoyance level of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”.
Continue reading “Die Hippo!”
I hereby decree…
Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute!
It’s a sort of “common knowledge” tidbit about the Bible that gets circulated around. Everyone is all like “ooh, Mary Magdalene was a hooker and then she found Jesus and was changed.” It gets believed she was the woman they were throwing stones at when Jesus made his famous declaration that only he who is without sin may cast the first stone at her.
But if you actually read the passage in the Bible (it’s in Luke somewhere), you see the woman there is not named.
So where are you people getting this?
I mean, it makes for a bit of an inspiring little story that even this unclean whore could still rise up to being one of Jesus’s disciples, in an unofficial sense. Or his wife depending on who you ask. But that is just not what’s in the story, whether the canon gospels or the lost ones.
Hell, isn’t there enough made up shit in scripture as it is? Must we add to it?
So I was just Christmas shopping today at the mall, and sure enough, I’m walking by the f.y.e. and what do I see there to annoy me but a taped up sign saying “All f.y.e customers under age 15 must be accompanied by an adult at all times.”
Ugh. So, I then had to abandon my Christmas shopping for a bit and go out to my car to get my trusty flyer about how age discrimination is illegal in Maryland. I returned to the store to try to talk to an employee about it and get them to remove the sign.
Continue reading “fye on Them!”
Now, for a divine, animated edition of…
Here’s to You!
So I raise my glass and say, “Here’s to you, Animaniacs!”
I made of mention of this in last year’s Secular Specials entry, where I mentioned the reasons some Christmas specials tend to not touch the story of Jesus’s birth much (or it at least might seem that way). Basically, it’s safer not to. With all these oversensitive Christian morons running around, one false step on the sacred ground that is the nativity story could have like 5,000 midwestern churches wanting your head on a platter. Yet you might have these same people also whining that Jesus is being phased out of Christmas, a doublespeak typical of evangelicals. They want Jesus to get more of a mention, but if you try, they pipe up with “YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!” And because doing the nativity story can have the side effect of coming off as proselytizing, makes it all the more appealing to just stick to other Christmas stories.
Continue reading “Little Drummer Warners”
Ever notice the second verse of “O Come All Ye Faithful”? Like, in the full version of the song straight out of the hymnal?
God from God, light from light eternal
He abhors not the virgin’s womb.
…
LOL WUT?
I mean, I know there are like 500 different songs all telling the exact same story but…
LOL WUT?