What’s this? A little Sunday afternoon tweet from the White House occupant. Let’s see…
My Fellow Americans,
Over the past three and a half years, we have made great progress as a Nation.
Yeah, it is nice the virus is mostly under control and we don’t have to wear masks as much anymore. That’s what you’re talking about, right?
Today, America has the strongest economy in the world.
Contrary to very popular belief, per basically every poll.
We’ve made historic investments in rebuilding our Nation, in lowering prescription drug costs for seniors, and in expanding affordable health care to a record number of Americans.
Is this message just to lay out admin accomplishments to get votes? Hopefully people will see that not drowning in medical debt is more important than the spurious concerns about “illegal” immigrants the other side won’t shut up about.
We’ve provided critically needed care to a million veterans exposed to toxic substances.
Sit your asses down, Marjorie and Lauren.
Passed the first gun safety law in 30 years.
Not sure whether to be more shocked at it being 30 years or that one passed at all.
Appointed the first African American woman to the Supreme Court.
She gets to join Elena and Sonia in concurring dissents that amount to glaring incredulously at the other six.
And passed the most significant climate legislation in the history of the world.
If we want the world to have even more history, better keep it coming.
America has never been better positioned to lead than we are today.
“I think there’s still room for improvement.” -Gaza
I know none of this could have been done without you, the American people. Together, we overcame a once in a century pandemic and the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. We’ve protected and preserved Democracy.
And a depressingly large chunk of these American people intend to vote for a guy promising to undo all this in a few months.
And we’ve revitalized and strengthened our alliances around the world.
“Hello?” -Gaza
It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve as your President.
Sure?
And while it has been my intention to seek reelection,
Ummm….
I believe it is in the best interest of my party and the country for me to stand down and to focus solely on fulfilling my duties as President for the remainder of my term.
Hoooooooly shit!
I will speak to the Nation later this week in more detail about my decision.
A disturbing degree of ageism and ableism from all corners? I know.
For now, let me express my deepest gratitude to all those who have worked so hard to see me reelected.
Namely the flimsy attempts to hypnotize us all into forgetting about that debate.
I want to thank Vice President Kamala Harris for being an extraordinary partner in all this work.
“All yours now, coconut tree lady.”
And let me express my heartfelt appreciation to the American people for the faith and trust you have placed in me.
American people: *exchange glances*
I believe today what I always have: that there is nothing America can’t do – when we do it together.
“Except maybe you can’t quit giving them bombs?” -Gaza
We just have to remember we are the United States of America.
That’s what our Dustin Hoffman-voiced substitute teacher wrote for us!
Well. Here goes…