February 2, 2011

Jokes that Need to Die

Filed under: Estrogen,Idiot Box,Shut the Hell Up!,What the hell? — Katrina @ 2:52 pm

Now for a pseudo-humorous, stale edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I consider sense of humor to be perhaps the most important character trait in anyone. Couldn’t very well go through life without it. Funny stuff is fun. However, then you get the jokes that just get repeated over and over, from different people acting like they invented it and that they’re so smart and witty. If they were ever clever, it was lost long ago.

Two very recent examples?

“I don’t understand! How could Tunisia have overthrown their government without me signing a petition or changing my Twitter avatar?”

And…

“The new Starbucks Trenta is larger than the average human stomach! Lulz!”

Alright, so the Tunisia thing was mildly chuckle-worthy when I first saw it tweeted. Then within only a few hours of that I heard a zillion other people say it as if it were their own creation. Heard and read and laughed at by those who either hadn’t heard it yet somehow or those whose memory is so terrible they forgot they saw someone else say it five minutes earlier. With any iota of cleverness washed away in the repetition, I see the stupid joke for what it is. Uh, of course Twitter awareness campaigns and whatnot don’t alone cause national revolutions nor are integral. #16tovote on the 16th is not intended in and of itself to lower the voting age. Online campaigns like that are for raising awareness and solidarity and keeping dialogue going, but obviously it wouldn’t work alone. Nobody thinks that. Don’t be an idiot.

As for the Starbucks drink being bigger than the human stomach… welcome to America! Aren’t you so smart, you learned the volume of the average human stomach! In order to, you know, repeat this Trenta joke over and over as if it’s something you came up with all on your own. But here’s another thing about the human stomach… stuff put into it doesn’t just sit there forever. You know that bathroom place you have to visit a few times a day? Yeah…

Those two are fairly new and topical, so they’ll fade after a bit. To be replaced by the same basic shit before long, of course. There are also the jokes that have lasted for years, perhaps decades, some of which weren’t even funny the first time. I mean stuff like…

“I got so drunk/high that I had to cling to the ground to keep from falling off the earth!”

This one I probably laughed at when I first heard it. Then you get a few different comedians regurgitating it, maybe some humorous drugs or alcohol related lists. And at that point it’s like “okay, you’re intoxicated out of your mind, so much that you can’t come up with a new way to express it.” Yawn.

“I think gay people should be allowed to get married and be miserable like everyone else.”

It was on Family Guy. David Letterman has said it about 500 times. So have a crapload of other supposedly facetious commentators. It’s always said with such authority, that the speaker has come up with this all on his/her own after a lot of thought. “I believe they should be just as miserable as everyone else!” Of course it’s said with such confidence. They saw a ton of other people get laughs off the identical statement, so they know the reception it’ll get. Had they truly invented this statement themselves, they might be a bit more coy.

“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”

From Mr. Garrison in the South Park movie, plus countless random comedians and other assholes who think they’re being funny and brilliant. Referring of course to us women and the fact that we *gasp!* spew blood out of certain parts for a few days every several weeks. This one is just downright offensive, and not only because it’s misogynistic but because the basis of it is proud willful ignorance. First of all, we don’t “bleed for five days”. It comes out intermittently, starting off heavy and getting steadily lighter until it’s done, and it was all pretty much out of circulation anyway, and not a whole lot is “lost”. Of course, if blood loss is such an issue, how can I trust you when your supposedly gigantic penis fills with blood several times a day and clearly not enough left for your brain? So if we’re monsters and untrustworthy for something that goes on under our clothes once a month that you will not be aware of unless we explicitly tell you, then you aren’t so innocent yourself, Mr. Every Six Seconds.

“Pro-life women are ugly virgins.”
“Pro-choice women are hot sluts.”

Even “great” comedians like Chris Rock and George Carlin (RIP) spew crap like this. It was said in Dogma by Jason Mewes. Plus some lesser comedians have said it. That pro-life women are only pro-life because they aren’t getting laid and have body issues because they are unattractive. That pro-choice women must want abortion legal because they screw everything that moves and want to be able to end the resulting pregnancies. Classic virgin-whore dichotomy. Yeah, sorry, folks, but someone’s stance on abortion is not indicative of their sexual history. Plenty of pro-lifers have gotten laid. Plenty pro-choicers have not. Also, these pro-choice women, who clearly “must be fucking”, would not necessarily want to fuck YOU. What is this, some 1960’s high school? Where if a girl has sex at all, she’ll have sex with anyone? Sorry, guys, but the words “I’m prochoice” do not translate to “I hereby consent to any and all sexual advances and activity”.

There are surely more I’m forgetting. I add them later when/if I remember.

So now you know. So from here on out, try not to be a dumbass. Just try.

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