Mary Magdalene

December 21, 2008

I hereby decree…

Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute!

It’s a sort of “common knowledge” tidbit about the Bible that gets circulated around. Everyone is all like “ooh, Mary Magdalene was a hooker and then she found Jesus and was changed.” It gets believed she was the woman they were throwing stones at when Jesus made his famous declaration that only he who is without sin may cast the first stone at her.

But if you actually read the passage in the Bible (it’s in Luke somewhere), you see the woman there is not named.

So where are you people getting this?

I mean, it makes for a bit of an inspiring little story that even this unclean whore could still rise up to being one of Jesus’s disciples, in an unofficial sense. Or his wife depending on who you ask. But that is just not what’s in the story, whether the canon gospels or the lost ones.

Hell, isn’t there enough made up shit in scripture as it is? Must we add to it?

Little Drummer Warners

December 19, 2008

Now, for a divine, animated edition of…

Here’s to You!

So I raise my glass and say, “Here’s to you, Animaniacs!”

I made of mention of this in last year’s Secular Specials entry, where I mentioned the reasons some Christmas specials tend to not touch the story of Jesus’s birth much (or it at least might seem that way). Basically, it’s safer not to. With all these oversensitive Christian morons running around, one false step on the sacred ground that is the nativity story could have like 5,000 midwestern churches wanting your head on a platter. Yet you might have these same people also whining that Jesus is being phased out of Christmas, a doublespeak typical of evangelicals. They want Jesus to get more of a mention, but if you try, they pipe up with “YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!” And because doing the nativity story can have the side effect of coming off as proselytizing, makes it all the more appealing to just stick to other Christmas stories.
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The Little Tree

December 9, 2008

So I was watching Charlie Brown’s Christmas last night and noticed something. What’s the “moral” to the story? The thing about Linus telling about Jesus and all. Perhaps. My dad sure likes to talk about how great it is that it focuses on Jesus like that, taking the time to go into another ignorant diatribe about how “the Jews are making it illegal to mention Jesus!”.

But the story continued after Linus’s soliloquy. Charlie Brown was now smiling as he took the tree out of the auditorium, and then came the real moral to the story, one that rings true for a lot of people during the holiday season. When he said this line: “I’m not going to let all this commercialism ruin MY Christmas!”
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Holy Week, Batman!

March 17, 2008

It’s that time of year again! It’s the week of the first full moon of the spring, yet it’s a somber week of reflection on, well, just how nasty humans can be. But we try to better ourselves, and prove it by giving things up for Lent, I guess. A meatless Good Friday ensues, followed by a cautious Saturday, and a joyous Easter Sunday as the day of bunnies and eggs and Zombie Jesus.
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Secular Specials

December 21, 2007

So the other night, my dad was commenting about the Charlie Brown Christmas special, and how it’s different from all the other specials in that it mentions Jesus. This was, of course, accompanied with some whining about “oh noes, Jesus can’t be mentioned because the Jews and Muslims would complain!”
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Jesus Is Love

December 10, 2007

For obvious reasons, this is the time of year I’m the most pious. All the Christmas songs, I suppose, being about Jesus and how great He is. The joy of His birth. Mmmm, nice.

As I mentioned several weeks back when ranting about atheists, identifying myself as Christian tends to confuse people. They’ll come up with all sorts of stereotypes and presumptions about my character, as well as what my exact beliefs must be. And when I say that my personal belief system does not align with what they’re telling me Christians all are supposed to believe, I get to be told that I either don’t understand my own religion or I’m not really Christian.
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Halloween Is Evil

October 28, 2007

And that’s why it’s awesome.

Candy and costumes. Good fun!

Of course, you get these religious losers who scream and cry that Halloween is evil and is a Satanic celebration.

Oh, yeah? So let me get this straight. Halloween is about pretending to be scary monsters such as ghosts, witches, or Bill O’Reilly. Not being scared of these monsters that want to rip out your soul and eat it. Not trembling in fear of these demons that want you to lie, cheat, steal, and shop at Wal-Mart. To put on costumes pretending to be them and eats lots of candy. This is a recipe for having a good time.

So, basically, the epitome of making fun of all that is evil, trivializing it, doing the exact opposite of falling prey to it, somehow constitutes a Satanic celebration?

Well, maybe I just don’t understand these things as well as they do then. That’s what they’d tell me at least.

Seven Deadly Sins

February 6, 2007

I hereby decree…

Life’s too short for the seven deadly sins.

I’ve been thinking about these for the past couple of days. Pride. Gluttony. Lust. Anger. Sloth. Greed. Envy.

And those are all a damn waste of time. I’d say they are sins for good reason. They suck! They all make you act like an irrational moron and possibly hurt yourself and those you care about. Let’s go through them.
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Ash Wednesday

March 1, 2006

Alright, fellow children of God (hehe, I can’t say that with a straight face!). Listen up. It is now Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. The long 40-day haul of sacrificing some aspect of life out of some token respect for Jesus has begun. You can have whatever it is back on Sundays, and may have it back completely after Good Friday. Jesus suffered and died on the Cross for your sorry, sinful asses. Surely you can give up one measly item or activity. And, hey, it’s only for six straight days, then you can have it back Sunday, then go the six days again. Not that hard.

Gave up coffee? Leave the pot off until Sunday morning. Gave up smoking? Get some lollipops for Monday through Saturday? Gave up sex? Quit shivering, you can still fuck on Sunday.

Just don’t be stupid and give up something you need or something that giving it up screws over other people. I mean, don’t go giving up leaving the house and wondering why you lost your fucking job. Pick something else. Or if you’re a firefighter and you gave up using helmets and asbestos gloves and shit. That’s just suicide. Last I checked, suicide is a sin. One you die with. At least it should be. It’s kind of cheating if you think about it.

So that’s the gist of Lent. Don’t screw it up.

Oh, and don’t forget that Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are meatless. Fish is okay, though. They are probably also a fasting days, but meh. Whatever. Just don’t let me catch you eating a fucking hamburger today, dipshit.