Hurry Down

December 18, 2014

What’s that sound? Is that Eartha Kitt?

Oh no. Aww, man, I hate this song!

Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree for me.
I’ve been an awful good girl.

Fur is murder, you know. How good can you be?

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

He’s got a lot of other houses to visit. Settle down.

Santa Baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue
I’ll wait up for you dear.

I think you’re supposed to be asleep when he visits- ohhhh…

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

You just requested a specific car. Give him a minute!

Think of all the fun I missed

What fun? Did you not go on a roller coaster you wanted to ride?

Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.

Whoa! Why would Santa have any problem with you kissing someone? Are you… saving yourself for Santa?

Next year I’ll be just as good
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.

Wait, seriously, how does having fun or kissing a guy make you not good? That’s not right.

Santa Baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot

You’re getting an inflatable raft and you’re going to like it!

I’ve been an angel all year.

Somehow I think we have different definitions of “angel”.

Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.

There are children who might not get a Christmas meal, but yeah, he should rush right out and get you a goddamn boat.

Santa Honey, one thing I really do need… the deed

A deed? To what? A mansion? A fancy car? A fancy resort?

To a platinum mine.

Wha… what? Huh? What?

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

He’ll get to you when he gets to you. Go take a cold shower.

Santa Cutie, fill my stocking with a duplex and checks

Wait, a duplex? As in one of them townhouses with one other house attached? Rather than, say, a mansion. And even so, it needs to be inside the stocking. With checks. What, too good for tens and twenties?

Sign your X on the line

What makes you think Santa is illiterate?

Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.

Yes, yes, hurry and supply a mediocre house and an unspecified amount of money.

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s

Pick up some breakfast while you’re at it.

I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me.


Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing

Uh oh.

A ring


I don’t mean on the phone!

I… didn’t think you meant that at all. Are you supposed to be Mrs. Claus then? *facepalm*

Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight!

Yeah… he’ll get right on that…

Coventry Carol 2

December 17, 2014

A couple years ago I wrote about Coventry Carol and what I realized about the lyrics.

About a tiny child, presumably Jesus, being referred to as a youngling.

And that Jesus, therefore, is a Jedi.

But just recently I learned some more about the song, in that said tiny child actually isn’t Jesus. The song is about the Massacre of the Holy Innocents. When Herod went looking for Jesus in order to kill him and ended up ordering all first born boys under age two to be killed.

The song is a mother singing to her soon-to-be murdered baby.


Well, this doesn’t change anything. It just means that the Bible forgot the part where Obi-Wan shows up and walks among the slain sadly, saying “Not even the younglings survived.”

No Glowing Anymore

December 15, 2014

So I was listening to (sigh, here it is again) the Christmas music on 97.1 WASH the other day at work via its website, when I glanced at the page to see what the next song was going to be.

It was…

The Rolling Stones, “Paint It Black”

Huh? That’s not even in the station’s regular lineup. (Awesome song, though.)

I had the music turned down to barely audible at the moment so I turned it up. What was actually playing was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Now ever since I keep singing to myself “I have a red nose and I want it painted black…”

Hey, it fits! 😀

Christmas in Africa

December 11, 2014

You’d think I should know better now after what happened last week, but I’ve continued browsing cool Christmas stuff on Wikipedia. And so far there has been significantly less child abuse.

I was looking through the Christmas Traditions article, with what countries all over the world do at Christmas. It’s pretty neat. Haven’t gotten all the way through it yet.

I had the radio on, playing the Christmas music. And guess what notoriously geographically-impaired song came on!

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time. The greatest gift they’ll get this year is light. Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor rivers flow… do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”


Christmas in South Africa is a public holiday celebrated on 25 December. Many European traditions are maintained despite the distance from Europe.

Christmas trees are set up in homes and the children are given presents in their stockings. Traditional ‘fir’ Christmas trees are popular and children leave a stocking out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. The gift bearer is Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

The Christmas meal is mince pies, turkey, roast beef or a barbecue outdoors. The meal is finished with Christmas Pudding. Christmas crackers are used to make noise.

Okay, I guess they don’t mean South Africa. Surely the rest of Africa is devoid of holiday spirit- oh…

Christmas Day is a public holiday in Nigeria which is always marked by the emptying of towns and cities as Nigerians that have been successful returning to their ancestral villages to be with family and to bless those less fortunate. As the towns and cities empty, people jam the West African markets to buy and transport live chickens, goats and cows that will be needed for the Christmas meals.

On Christmas Eve, traditional meals are prepared according to the traditions of each region. Rather than having sweets and cakes, Nigerians as a whole tend to prepare various meats in large quantities.

Huh. Okay, Nigeria seems to have this whole Christmas thing down. But then again, that song was more specifically about Ethiopia, right? And it’s not like they- oh, look at that!

Christmas Day in Ethiopia is celebrated on January 7. Many people who are Christian in Ethiopia, go to Church on the Eve of Christmas, and stay there all night until 4am the next day on Christmas while doing many spiritual prayer and rituals like Liturgy and Holy Communion.

Oh, snap!

Well, alright. Ethiopia has a lot of Coptic Christians. They in fact do know it’s Christmas time, just like Nigeria and South Africa. But maybe it’s just them, and that the rest of Africa doesn’t know about Christmas…

Or they do, since according to this map, only in Morocco, Mauritania, Libya, Tunisia, SADR, and Somalia is Christmas NOT a public holiday.

Though the song is from 30 years ago so who knows what’s different between then and now. And there’s some new version of it out now that seems to have changed the above line. That’s something. But the original is played frequently, complete with misleading information. And it’s stuck in my head now and I’m still annoyed because it’s three weeks into the Christmas music and I’ve only heard them play Canon twice with its nice lyrics of not-totally-sure-what-but-at-least-not-geographical-misrepresentation. :irked:

The Ninth One

December 5, 2014

*begins music and chimes and crap*

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen

Are they the guys who own that gay bar down the street?

Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.

I only see Donner. With Comet’s, Cupid’s, and Blitzen’s antlers in front of him on his dinner plate.

But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?

If I know the less famous ones, I’d probably know the most famous. Unless I’m some kind of hipster.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose

Why is that? Does he have a cold?

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.

That’s a serious cold.

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

Hehe. Good friends ripping on each other. What fun.

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

Okay, that’s not friendly. That’s just bullying and bigoted.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

The millennia-old saint with flying reindeer and elves and a home at the North Pole who can break all of the laws of physics delivering gifts all over the world is stymied by fucking FOG!

Then how the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee,

So basically they changed their tune completely once he proved to be useful. Flaky assholes. Or did Santa make up all that “I can’t fly in fog!” crap just to pretend Rudolph was useful so the other reindeer would stop being dicks to him?

“Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer! You’ll go down in history!”

Brought to you by Montgomery Ward.

O Canon, Where Art Thou?

December 1, 2014

It’s Christmas time! It’s that magical time of year when the regular mundane world undergoes some little festive changes. Greensleeves becomes “What Child Is This?”. Forest Green becomes “O Little Town of Bethlehem”. Little Deuce Coupe becomes “Little Saint Nick”. And Pachelbel’s Canon in D becomes Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Canon“.

Christmas Canon!

When local radio station 97.1 WASH (dear God, I mention them a lot on here!) switched from their usual light pop to Christmas mode the Friday before Thanksgiving, I stayed by the radio, even while at work, all day, as I usually do when the Christmas songs start, to hear songs I hadn’t heard in 11 months. Songs I have mixed reactions to. But eventually they would play Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Canon”! The lovely piece of music that when I first heard it about eight years ago on this station on my alarm clock radio I thought the radio had somehow turned to a classical music station. Then I became a little obsessed with the song, because damn it, it is beautiful and YOU WILL BOW TO CHRISTMAS CANON!

So Friday before Thanksgiving I listened to the station at first on my alarm clock radio and later through their website when I got to work.


No, just It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

Next song. Canon?

No, just O Holy Night.

Next song. Canon?

Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s… Christmas Eve Sarajevo 12/24 (the rockin’ Carol of the Bells rendition we all know and love). Welp, no more TSO for the rest of the hour then. I’ll get coffee.

Now what?

Oh, Caroling Caroling. I like that song. It’s cute.

Alright. How about Canon?

Nope. It’s the infamous Do They Know It’s Christmas?.

Come on! Many of these songs have been played several times already. Where the hell is Canon? It usually gets pretty frequent play.

Ugh, not Santa Claus Is Coming to Town!

Now yet another rendition of Silver Bells!

At least Happy Xmas (War Is Over) is getting a lot of play. That’s another one I don’t get tired of, whether John Lennon or one of the covers.

But where the hell is Christmas Canon? It’s been all day.

You know when I finally heard it? When I went home and played it on Winamp because of course I have the damn song. But I didn’t hear it on the radio station until the following Monday afternoon. Did they play it before then? I don’t know. Even I finally gave up after a while. But even though I’ve still had the station on during the day at work, I haven’t heard it on there since then.

In fact, Trans-Siberian Orchestra is touring right now, and will be in DC on the 17th. You know what the tour is promoting? Their album “The Christmas Attic”. The album which contains… Christmas Canon!

I mean, you’d think the station would want to play it more then! And even so, why not? They can play I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus as often as they do, which I really really doubt anyone actually likes, but the sweet aurally-pleasing Christmas Canon is getting totally snubbed this year.

So maybe I need to head over to the station with an ultimatum. And a cannon. Because apparently we’re all cartoon characters and thus have ready access to cannons. And I’ll say “Canon? Or cannon? Choose wisely.”

At worst, a miscommunication might leave me with a rather nice copier.

Take a Cup of Kindness

January 1, 2014

Happy New Year!

*taps conductor wand thingy*

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?

Depends. Were they good or were they dicks to you?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of Auld Lang Syne?

See above.

For Auld Lang Syne, my dear
For Auld Lang Syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne!

Getting wasted on kindness? Good idea!


Hmm. I might be immune. Oh, well.


December 27, 2013

Since the family is moving out of Grandma’s house this weekend (which has eaten up my time and made the daily posting here rather difficult but whatever), I have been occasionally just claiming items around the house I feel like keeping that no one else cares about anyway. One item I snatched last week was Grandma’s 1982 hymnal.

When I went home that night, I looked through the Christmas songs in it. Some I never heard of anywhere else, while others were very familiar and were sung on Tuesday night, as well as ones not done then but heard of nonetheless.

One song was Good Christian Men Rejoice. Only the lyrics didn’t say that. It said “Good Christian Friends Rejoice”. Huh.

Then Christmas Eve night, at the service, singing some of the very familiar songs out of copies of the same hymnal, I noticed some of the slight variations to the lyrics from more popular versions. In the second verse of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, where it’s usually “Pleased as man with men to dwell”, it instead read “Pleased as man with us to dwell”. And in the third verse, where it’s usually “born that men no more may die” it was “born that we no more may die”, and then where it’s usually “born to raise the sons of earth” it was instead “born to raise us from the earth” or something like that. Plus a few other little alterations like that, which never occurred to me much before. Until I saw the “Good Christian Friends” thing and put it all together…

The hymnal… is gender neutral. 😮


Cruel Frost Is Cruel

December 26, 2013

And a one and a two and…

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen

The mention of the Feast of Stephen being the single only reason this is a Christmas song.

When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even

Yeah, yeah, winter, got it.

Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel

Good. So you can see where you’re going while you freeze to death. Go inside!

When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.

Got to keep the car gassed up and heater all kerosened up.

Second verse!

“Hither, page, and stand by me,
If thou know’st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?”

Getting kind of nosy.

“Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain;
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes’ fountain.”

He’s a wizard who will eat you. Better stay home.

Third verse!

“Bring me flesh, and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither:
Thou and I shall see him dine
When we bear them thither.”

Leave people alone while they are eating!

Page and monarch, forth they went
Forth they went together;
Through the rude wind’s wild lament
And the bitter weather.

A lot of inter-class bonding in the NSA’s early years.

Fourth verse!

“Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger;
Fails my heart, I know not how;
I can go no longer.”

See? Your voyeuristic ways are getting your assistant killed.

“Mark my footsteps, good my page.
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter’s rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly.”

These alternative medicine cures to hypothermia are weird.

Fifth verse!

In his master’s steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod
Which the saint had printed.

Ohhh, got you. Wencie was dropping them glove warmer things from his feet. Or something. I guess.

Therefore, Christian men, be sure,
Wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor,
Shall yourselves find blessing.

Well, it beats getting mind-fucked by some ghosts Christmas Eve night at least.

Said the Little Lamb

December 20, 2013

Alright, everyone. Time again to sing!

*taps conductor stick thingy*

Said the night wind to the little lamb,
“Do you see what I see?”

Ah, the wind is bored and feels like playing I Spy.

“Way up in the sky, little lamb.
Do you see what I see?”

I’m sure the small ovine appreciates the hint.

“A star, a star, dancing in the night,
With a tail as big as a kite,
With a tail as big as a kite.”

Oh, sure, give it away before the lamb has a chance to guess.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
“Do you hear what I hear?”

And the shepherd replied with “holy shit, a talking lamb!”

“Ringing through the night, shepherd boy.
Do you hear what I hear?”

Is it just that night wind playing I Spy with other random critters?

“A song, a song, higher than the trees
With a voice as big as the sea.
With a voice as big as the sea.”

This simile is silly to me.

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
“Do you know what I know?”

Translation: Boy skips into the palace all chanting “I know something you don’t know! I know something you don’t know!”

“In your palace, oh, mighty king.
Do you know what I know?”

If this king is supposed to be Herod, then shepherd boy you’ve got a lot of blood on your hands.

“A child, a child, shivers in the cold.
Let us bring him silver and gold.
Let us bring him silver and gold.”

Or a coat or a blanket or something of immediate need for cold people.

Said the king to the people everywhere,
“Listen to what I say!”

Pfft. Everyone thinks their own words are so important. Get a Twitter account!

“Pray for peace, people everywhere.
Listen to what I say!”

What a useless statement.

“A child, a child, sleeping in the night.
He will bring us goodness and light.
He will bring us goodness and light.”

In 33 years, all we have to do is stick nails into him until he dies. Praise the Lord!