Coffee Please?

December 29, 2006

Now for a caffeinated, customer service lacking edition of…


Office Depot. They seriously suck.

So, at work, we’ve got this little single serve coffee machine with a bunch of little cups of coffee and tea that go into it. This one company supplied it for us, and, honestly, their service sucked ass. As does the coffee itself, but it’s all we’ve got. They got orders wrong. Orders got delayed. Major mess.

So then they get bought out by Office Depot.

And, if you can believe it, they are even WORSE!
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Girls Love Pizza

November 14, 2006

I can’t stress that enough. Pizza is damn good stuff. Guys love pizza. We all know that. But girls love the stuff, too.

Now I realize that must come as a surprise to you. Your mother told you pizza was junk food. You never see women eating pizza in commercials. Always guys. Chicks prefer the femininity of a chicken caesar salad. You know that.

Yet here I come with this earth shattering revelation. Girls love pizza. Girls are supposed to scorn guys for pizza? No. Girls love pizza. It is the truth. Why, I myself am a girl who loves pizza! I’m far from alone.
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Candy Bowl

October 27, 2006

Two weeks ago, I decided it would be nice to have a nice big candy bowl on my desk at work. Picked up four bags of candy from grocery store, found a big bowl in the kitchen at work, and filled it with the Reese’s cups, Kit Kats, Snickers, and 3 Musketeers I had just purchased. My desk is right up front there, so it would be a nice treat for passers by. I’m just cool like that.

You know what? It went over nicely. Some remarks I got were interesting. My boss kept telling me the candy was evil (while taking one). At least three people wondered how I could sit there all day with this big ass candy bowl in front of me and not eat all of it. Others “complained” that putting that candy there was just going to make them fat.
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Behind Every Bag of Chips…

June 15, 2006

So I was at Safeway early this morning right before going into work, and I walk by this big promotional display they had just erected (huh huh huh, erected, huh huh huh). Beside it stood about half a dozen important-looking men in suits. Walking by, I saw they wore name badges indicating they were from Frito-Lay, and that this big promotional, uh, whatever the hell it was carried a bunch of cardboard cutouts of that Chester the cheetah and other mascots of theirs. Cute.

And then a realization hit me.
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May 31, 2006

You know what I had for lunch today? Nothing fancy. An “everything bagel” I’d bought at Panera yesterday morning along with an entire package of Oscar Mayer meats. It was one of those variety packs with three slices of white turkey, three slices of turkey ham (whatever the fuck that is!), three slices of bologna, and three slices of cotto salami. Yummy!
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This Is Why I Hate Tea

May 23, 2006

That’s right, folks! Another herbal, piping hot session of…


Tea. That’s what sucks. Every once in a while, however, I tend to totally forget how much it sucks. Then I might make myself a cup, only to soon enough realize “Why the hell am I drinking this shit?” You know the trouble with tea? It tricks you. Just today at work, where we have this cool machine that you put these tiny packets into to make coffee and tea, I saw a little packet of Chai. I had never had Chai tea before, and people say how great it is, so I figured I’d give it a chance. After the machine did its thing, I took my cup back to my desk and waited a bit for it to cool down enough to drink, and I took a sip.
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You Can’t Tuna Casserole

April 20, 2006

And now, for another swimmingly delicious, thunniform session of:

Here’s To You!

So I raise my glass and say, “Here’s to you, tuna!”

For you see, tuna is some of the greatest food in the world. Some people think steak is so wonderful. Meh. Others have certain partiality to pork. Well, whatever. But what’s truly wonderful is tuna.

Put it in a casserole! Eat it out of the can! Make it into a salad. Have it in a sub. Slap a slab of it on the grill. Leave it raw and gulp down its divinity, for it is King of Sushi. Or at least I say it is. That’s all that matters.

Tuna is great. Tuna is delicious. Tuna is godly. Let’s all eat some tuna!

Oh, and anyone who doesn’t like tuna or any seafood can, of course, go screw themselves.

Now I Know You All Hate Eggplant

March 10, 2006

The pilot episode of Family Guy was on the other night on Cartoon Network. Lois brought out dinner to the table and said “I know you all hate eggplant…” (cut off when Stewie fired a laser at her that just barely missed, hehehe) as she was serving it. And it got me thinking. If the entire family hates eggplant, why the hell is she making it?
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