Christmas Toys

December 22, 2017

Many Christmas songs are about or at least mention gift-giving, particularly to children. Some are even specific about it. Let’s see…

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas”

The lyrics:
“A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Ben
Dolls that can talk and can go for a walk
Is the hope of Janice and Jen”

So then…
Gift for boys: Cowboy boots and a gun
Gift for girls: Doll

What else?

“Up on the Housetop”

The lyrics:
“First comes the stocking of little Nell
Oh dear Santa fill it well
Give her a dolly that laughs and cries
One that can open and shut her eyes.

Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh just see what a glorious fill
Give him a hammer with lots of tacks
A whistle and a ball and a whip that cracks.”

So then…
Gift for boy: Hammer, tacks, whistle, ball, whip.
Gift for girl: Doll

Moving on…

“Run Rudolph Run”

The lyrics:
“Said Santa to a boy child
What is it you’re longing for?
All I want for Christmas is
A rock n roll electric guitar.

Said Santa to a girl child
What would please you most to get?
A little baby doll
That can cry, sleep, drink, and wet.”

So then…
Gift for boy: Guitar
Gift for girl: Doll

Okay, seeing a pattern here.

“Jolly Old St Nicholas”

The lyrics:
“Johnny wants a pair of skates
Suzy wants a dolly
Nellie wants a story book
She thinks dolls are folly.”

So then…
Gift for boy: Skates
Gift for girls: Doll… and a book!

Alright, so Nellie wants a story book, with the need to explain why she did not choose a doll. Whereas there was nothing saying that Suzy, or Johnny for that matter, considers books folly.

Although, this song does have alternate lyrics to this verse:
“Johnny wants a pair of skates
Suzy wants a sled
Nellie wants a picture book
Yellow, blue, and red.”

So then…
Gift for boy: Skates
Gift for girls: Sled and picture book.

Hey, no doll! Suzy has decided sleds are more fun. Nellie, however, seems to have been downgraded to a picture book, one with specified colors for some reason. Perhaps this was a trade off. That, okay, no doll for either girl, and we’ll give Suzy an item for an actual winter activity much like Johnny’s skates, but in exchange, Nellie’s is a picture book now, because we can’t have a girl being too smart.

The First Thanksgiving

November 30, 2017

Isn’t there anyone who knows what Thanksgiving is all about?!

Sure, I can tell you what Thanksgiving is all about. Lights, please?

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years, with large increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.

This is Abraham Lincoln’s proclamation in 1863, officially declaring Thanksgiving a holiday, continuing to this day, changed only when FDR made it the fourth November Thursday rather than last, so we celebrated a week ago rather than today.

There were earlier proclamations of specific thanksgiving days with very similar text by earlier presidents here and there, but Lincoln’s is about where it was mostly set as an annual thing where it still is now.

What I don’t see is anything about the pilgrims at Plymouth. About two and a half centuries earlier. It’s mentioned at the above link, but also mentioned is there were numerous such feasts through the then colonies around the time.
Continue reading “The First Thanksgiving”

NOPE 2016

December 31, 2016

It’s over. It’s finally over. Well, let’s take a last look…

January: Science Is Everywhere
-New TV
-Zoo Lights
-Something isn’t right.
-Spice cookies
-David Bowie?! Awww.
-Oh, dear, that house had an electrical fire.
-Alan Rickman?! Awww.
-Something still isn’t right.
-Wow, big snow storm.
-Got to watch as much Doctor Who as I can before Netflix pulls it.

February: Wagner
-Muse concert!
-Something very much isn’t right.
-Superbowl! Chili and cookies as usual.
-Something is most definitely not right…
-Oh. Oh no.
-I… I waited too long.
-Unless I’m mistaken? Am I mistaken?
-What is going on?
-I’m… not mistaken. 🙁
-Soul searching late night drive. What do I do now?
-Wait. Is that a $72 roundtrip airfare to Chicago? Hell yeah, I’ll go to Chicago!
-Okay, I’ll go on a bunch of trips this year.
-Starting with a ski day at Seven Springs!

March: Kommissar
-What a bizarre board game.
-Goodbye, Downton Abbey.
-Zootopia!
-Lots of stories for Lent this year.
-Marzipan eggs!
-Brookside as usual.
-Solo Easter!

April: An Even Wackier One
-Now to the Outer Banks!
-But I won’t spend any money because I don’t want to reward North Carolina for their anti-trans bathroom asshattery.
-Up at 4am to go to the damn airport.
-Good morning, Chicago!
-The ledge at the Tower Formerly Known as Sears.
-Wow, that’s a weird pizza.
-It’s that painting you’re supposed to stare at, according to Ferris Bueller.
-Mmmm, Italian beef.
-Back to Midway. Back home. This was just a day trip after all. 😛
-My state’s turn for the presidential primary.
-Well, that was pointless.
-Now visiting the alma mater on the way to another day trip destination.
-Ah, the Ocean City boardwalk. Lots of kites!
-And a disturbing number of Trump shirts in the gift shops. -_-
-Mini-golf!

May: Sex, Drugs, and Sea Slime
-Damn. The orange swamp monster secured the nomination.
-Birthday!
-Now to Baltimore to go to the aquarium.
-What a bizarre book title.
-Ugh, damn it, Capitals.
-Ugh, everything else.
-Nationals game. They lost.
-Another Nationals game. They lost.

June: 11:45 Entry
-More meh.
-But I’m going to New York next!
-Catching a bus at 6am.
-Bus is late. Must rush.
-Got there just in time. Up the escalator.
-I’m here.
-At last, after 19 years, I’m atop the World Trade Center! 😀
-Brexit vote: UK, WTF are you doing?

July: Metro Center
-Next up: Flying out to Las Vegas for July 4th weekend.
-Then flying back over July 4th fireworks!
-Then landed to find TSA opened my suitcase. :irked:
-Meh.
-Something about the Newseum and a Canadian.

August: Inkers
-Rio Olympics!
-Road trip to Connecticut!
-Weekend in Atlanta!

September: Arnos Grove
-Nationals game. Hey, they won this time!
-The Bazaar is in October?!
-Here we go again, seven years to the day after I left last time…
-London!
-No sleep on the flight over, though. :\

October: Six Pitchers
-Mmmm, Bazaar.
-Damn it, Nats. -_-

November: For Some Reason
-Election Day, at long last…
-No.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN THIS!
-Just… how? why?
-To airport super early…
-Hello, Magic Kingdom.
-What the shit? It’s November. Why is it so crowded? There’s never anyone here in November! :irked:
-Landed back at BWI. Why is my car not unlocking?
-Oh. I left a light on in my rush to make the flight. For five days. *grimace*
-I haven’t seen her in many many years.
-To Philadelphia and southern New Jersey. Something about an aquarium and a Canadian.

December: Foamed Milk on a Pumpkin Spice Latte
-Christmas.

Alright, 2017 ball up there in Times Square…

Get us the fuck out of here! :scared:

Well Played 2015

December 31, 2015

Wow! Another 12-month ride and what a ride it was. Time for the usual cryptic recap. Let’s see…

January: Fire Still Worked

-Takoma Park to Hyattsville: “Be cool like us and lower the voting age!”
-Hyattsville: “Sure!”
-First reading passes!
-Yer a wizard, little brother!
-My phone is dead after nearly a decade.
-Know what that means?
-Smartphone!
-Ah, “Selma” is a good movie.
-Second reading…
-Is Hyattsville to join Takoma Park is being #16tovote land?
-Uuuuuunanimous!

February: 12th & Market

-Game food!
-If I’m going to do this, I’d better hurry up.
-Day trip to Philadelphia! Something about a museum and a Canadian.
-Did my TV spontaneously set a parental control block on a sports channel?
-Downton Abbey has a lot of tragedy, but it’s fine as long as they don’t…
-Okay, time to kick their asses.
-I might be too late. Oh, well.
-Or, no, maybe not. I misunderstood.
-Holy God, why is the fire alarm in the parking garage so goddamn loud?!
-Science articles!
-The dress is blue!

March: Multi-Piece Shipment

-Oh. I’m certainly too late now.
-Lots of bad news at once!
-At least we get a nice snow day. LOL everyone else left early because they’re scared of the snow.
-Wait, not too late, but can’t waste time.
-One full year on the job!
-Sigh. Did he really just yell at our waitress?
-Woman: “Are you an introvert?”
-Me, standing far away from everyone else: “What gave me away?”
-And, after almost ten years, I’m no longer a NYRA board member!
-Thank God.
-Vernal equinox snow!
-Playing a ridiculous game of hot potato in which the only winner is FedEx.
-Now watching Victoria be funny.
-Gahhh, I spilled pasta in the sink and burned myself!

April: Seventy-Seven Dollars

-Some Easter trolling.
-What do you mean I owe state tax?!
-Some event I don’t really want to be at.
-Some other event I don’t really want to be at.
-Someone needs to vent. Okay!

May: Have More Fun

-Trains and a door to nowhere.
-Night before birthday Nats game!
-Box fort.
-Do it! Do it!
-I didn’t do it.
-Cake!
-Okay, now I did it.
-Ugh, I have to report for jury duty.
-Narrow street is narrow.
-I think I can squeeze by…
-CRUNCH!
-And I just destroyed someone’s side view mirror. Ugggghhhhh!
-I haven’t had a truly terrible time driving in DC a while. Clearly I was due for a truly terrible time driving in DC.
-Virginia: “Hey, DC. Challenge accepted.”
-Three hours stuck on the beltway in middle of the night because Virginia is all “look at us, we’re Virginia, we’ll do late night construction and back you up for hours, because fuck you, we’re Virginia!”

June: 37 Years Later

-Oh, good, got out of jury duty after only a couple hours.
-Free donut!
-Belmont. Can you do it, American Pharoah?
-Final turn. Welp, here comes another horse closing in.
-Wait, no, that horse is quitting.
-Could it be…?!
-American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown!!!!
-Sense8
-Picnic!
-Emptying out old storage trailer.
-And Sugarloaf with little brother.
-Inside Out!
-Emptying out hotel room family was living in.
-And they’re off across the country on a train.
-But they left the Wii with me!

July: The Vine

-Chili and ‘splosions!
-WORLD CUP!
-Hey, where’s the air conditioner?
-A couple hours of pulling vines and weeds from backyard garden.
-There it is!
-DONKEY KONG COUNTRY!
-Clearing stuff out.
-What are you doing, laptop?
-Family came back east.
-Loud restaurant is loud!
-Minions!
-Family went out west again.
-They took the Wii this time. D’oh!
-Power outage at work = lots of screaming freezers
-Looking for new laptop.
-Hey, reached 69,000 miles on car on Day 69!

August: Timing

-Crash Bandicoot!
-Zoo!
-Alright, I booked a trip.
-You go in the Rack of Shame!
-Oh crap, I’m in trouble.
-No, it’s okay, I fixed it. For now.
-Car maintenance.
-What do you mean you have to keep it overnight?
-I don’t want a loaner car. I want MY car!
-Hey, I finally did the thing!

September: Yellow Lampshade

-I’m spending Labor Day weekend in San Francisco for some reason.
-Kathleen and I are visiting museums and seeing things.
-And a hookah fell on me.
-Driver: “What park is this?”
-Me: “Golden Gate Park.”
-Driver: “But we’re not near the Golden Gate Bridge.”
-Me: “…seriously?!”
-Stingrays! Sharks! Penguins! Snakes! Swamp!
-Chocolate!
-What do you mean United charges to watch the flight map?!
-I have a stuffed octopus now.
-Ugh, I forgot to do a thing and don’t have a good reason for why I forgot to do a thing!
-Middle Eastern Bazaar!
-Fezzes are cool.
-Sushi.
-Pope.
-Lunar eclipse.
-I’m invited to a thing!
-Now there’s a hurricane coming, compromising the thing.

October: Nine and a Half Hours

-Nope, hurricane is going elsewhere. The thing is unaffected.
-To Philadelphia and southern New Jersey! Something about mosaics, an injured squirrel, and a Canadian.
-Winter Festival script reading!
-Wow, twenty years of these songs that remind me of things.
-Gallery of Art and then Middle Eastern food!
-Collective Soul!
-Gah, I forgot about the emissions test I’ve been getting reminders for since August!
-I forgot to do things and I’m going to get in trouble for forgetting to do the things!
-Oh, wait, they don’t care about the things. Whew!
-Annual Sugarloaf climb!
-Passing out candy to adorable costumed children! And some teens and adults. LOL

November: 1:48pm

-I was sitting far away from everyone else in my group. Now with renovation, they’ve been moved next to me!
-I’m so happy!
-WES Auction: trying not to buy or sign up for too much shit this time
-Damn it.
-Did 97.1 go to Christmas mode the day after Veteran’s Day? I wonder why so much earlier than usual.
-Ugh, not another Paris attack.
-Think I’ll make turkey chops for Solo Thanksgiving.
-Heh, look at those turkey breasts, and all they’re complicated instructions. I’ll read them for the hell of it.
-Actually, this looks doable.
-Buy the roasting pan!
-Mockingjay, Part 2! It made me feel emotions!
-Alright, I’ll break with tradition and book a trip for Christmas.
-What do you mean the return flight fare went up $95 just before I clicked purchase?!
-Time for Solo Thanksgiving! Will I be lonely?
-Nope, too busy making the turkey to give a crap.
-Ugh, I wish this turkey wouldn’t keep tipping over.
-Is it up to temperature yet? Is it up to temperature yet?
-Okay, this thing has been in for about three hours. I wonder if it’s edible.
-Holy crap, the turkey is edible. I made a Thanksgiving turkey! Achievement unlocked!
-Solo Thanksgiving ftw!
-Lots of leftovers!
-Shit. Why does my whole downstairs smell like gas?
-And here’s the fire department.
-What do you mean you can’t smell it?
-Oh, wait, this other guy can. Good, I’m not crazy. I think.
-There’s nothing wrong with the heater? Good. Then why the gas? Odd.

December: Same Fan with Weird Stripe

-Spinach Bean Thing for holiday potluck at work.
-And Perfection. I perfected Perfection.
-The Good Dinosaur!
-Nutella cookies!
-Lots of Winter Festival rehearsals.
-Lots of cookies for Cookie Walk.
-I’m Muffin the Cat!
-Brookside lights!
-Where the fuck did my headband go?
-Star Wars: The Force Awakens!
-Less Christmas shopping as usual because already dropped a bunch of money on flight.
-Did I really make these peanut butter cookies myself?!
-Seneca Creek Winter Lights!
-Have lots of chocolate, coworkers!
-Silent Night selfie!
-Why the mother of hell did I book a flight on Christmas Day?
-Yup, no parking in Dulles Economy Lot.
-Oh, wait, there’s some spaces.
-My feast of roast beast is in the form of a sandwich from Potbelly. Still counts.
-I called it roast beast when I ordered it. They didn’t notice.
-Did the flight crew just give us the pre-flight safety info in the form of a paraody of A Visit from Saint Nicholas?!
-The flight map is on my phone! The flight map is on my phone!
-Me, to family: “I come from the east bearing gifts after following a star.” Technically true.
-Some prix-fixe prime rib for Christmas dinner! Mmmm.
-Some relatives I haven’t seen in forever.
-After a few days of that, time to come home.
-What do you mean the flight is oversold and I can’t get on the plane?!
-First the fare going up right before I booked and now this?!
-Oh, wait, they got me on after all. Yay!
-Holy crap, Dulles is foggy!
-Back to work and package related annoyances.
-Screw, let’s get some snow crab legs and end this year already.
-And, holy crap, how the hell did I manage to post every day in December?!
-Oh, because all the posts are crap that I wouldn’t post the rest of the year. Meh.

What a year! I feel like big things are happening. There were lots of changes in this year, and there’s still plenty of promise, plenty I’m waiting to see how they turn out. Isn’t that the business of life? Something like that.

Goodbye, 2015! We had a time. Alright, 2016. I see you up there in Times Square. Bring it on!

Oversold

December 30, 2015

So I flew on an airplane yesterday, coming back from my aforementioned Christmas travel (never again!), but I almost didn’t fly on an airplane yesterday.

I checked my suitcase and got a security pass or something rather than an actual boarding pass. No earthly idea why, just the way that airline rolls I guess. I get to my gate to get my boarding pass and then I’m told “Flight is oversold and everyone else is checked in. You stay behind.” And I’m like “I already checked my suitcase! Can I have it back?” And they’re like “No, that’s going to Dulles. You stay behind.” They go on about denied boarding compensation, admittedly a nice sum that would be quite a bit more than the amount I would lose by missing work the next day, but my concern was that I wanted to go home, and it was cold and my coat was in my suitcase. They said that if someone volunteers as tribute for said compensation, I would then be able to board. And, fortunately, that’s exactly what happened. Thanks, unknown volunteer!

Why the fuck did that even happen? Who lets you check your suitcase and then be like “you wanted to board a plane you paid a bunch of money to fly on? LOL nope!”?

Also, when I booked this round trip a month ago, I got an error message when I went to confirm the purchase because between getting to the final page to enter info and clicking “confirm”, the fare for the return flight went up $95. -_-

Meh. Let’s close out this year already…

Hyvää joulua!

December 25, 2015

Here it is. Another Christmas Day. The preceding weeks consisted of Winter Festival rehearsals, cookie baking, and shoving chocolate down people’s throats because it’s Christmas, damn it!

I’ve never had to travel for Christmas before. Always sort of pitied those who do. I guess I’m lucky. Or just stationary. Why leave your home for Christmas? Stay and relax. Eat yummy treats. Bake more yummy treats. Watch specials. Play music. That’s a nice Christmas. Why hoist yourself off to some airport and fight crowds just to spend some awkward time with relatives for whatever reason like some kind of chump?

Well, for some reason, I’m a chump this year. I’m off to the airport. Sigh.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Presence of Presents

December 23, 2015

I’ve mentioned a number of times that I’m sick of people complaining about Christmas being “materialistic” or some crap. That we focus too much on presents and not enough on Jesus or family or something like that. As if these things are mutually exclusive or something.

But presents are not only, you know, gifts. They’re wrapped and under the tree and not to be opened until Christmas morning. They’re a mystery!

And isn’t that just like the coming year? The future? That the future is just there all mysterious and just waiting to be revealed. Could be everything you wanted. Could be disappointing. Could actually be a live cobra for some reason. Could be nothing you expected but everything you needed.

Okay, I’m making this up, but it sounds cool.

That Was Quick

December 22, 2015

It’s the Winter Solstice.

It’s the day of darkness and cold. When the daylight little by little gets longer, until spring comes, and warm weather comes.

Warmer days will come again but they are a long way off, and-

Wait a minute.

Weather forecast over next few days:
Dec 23, 65 degrees.
Dec 24, 74 degrees.
Dec 25, 66 degrees.

Or really soon. Whatever.

21 to Drink… Anything

December 20, 2015

So I was at Target earlier and there were some sets of novelty drinking glasses on one shelf. One set’s theme was of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, with glasses showing the squirrel and Clark entangled in lights and other stuff. Oh, and this set identified these as “pint glasses” and had “Age 21+” printed on the corner of the box.

Yeah… Okay. A lot of things about this.

1. These are drinking glasses and contain no alcohol. Drinking glasses are not age restricted. They can be used for any drink.
2. There were identical drinking glass sets on the shelf of Wonder Woman, Minions, Peanuts, and Avengers and such, none of which said “Age 21+” nor identified them as “pint glasses”.
3. Pint is a unit of volume, equal to two cups or half a quart or 16 fluid ounces. This measurement refers to this volume of any substance, not just beer.
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is not an “adult” movie. In fact, it’s been on constantly all month on ABC Family.

LOL He’s Doomed

December 19, 2015

In another fun edition of “weird shit in Christmas songs” let’s have a look at the old carol Personent Hodie, also known as “On This Day, Earth Shall Ring”.

Second verse starts off like this: “His the doom, ours the mirth, when he came down to earth.”

Mirth! We’re supposed to be mirthful that Jesus showed up as all human and stuff and bled out on the cross? I get that the idea was that he did all that for our sake for some convoluted reason, but it seems to be more than a little dickish to be mirthful about it.

I mean, I can see it being “how wonderful, he saved us!” But this makes it sound more like “Hahaha, he’s going to get crucified!”

Which, if anything, seems to render the crucifixion pointless.