Tinsel Sucks

December 18, 2006

Seriously. Who came up with that crap?

You have a perfectly nice Christmas tree with lights and garland and a buttload of ornaments. Great. But no. You go one step too far and decide the tree needs tinsel as a finishing touch. If you weren’t a complete idiot, it might look halfway decent, but even then, tinsel is a pain in the ass even for those of us with brains.

Tinsel is a one way ticket from nice tree to stringy piece of crap. Save Christmas. Leave it off your tree.

Although the only good tinsel I know of is that stuff from the movie The Santa Clause which they use to bust Santa out of jail. Now that tinsel rocks. Regular tinsel? Not so much.

Happy Chanukah

December 15, 2006

Tonight is the first night of Chanukah. Light those candles. Spin that dreidl. Eat those latkes. Dance the hora. Spell the name of the holiday like five hundred different ways. Say “oy!” a lot. All in good fun.

What is Chanukah about? I have no idea. Something about long lasting candles. Something about a temple celebration. Its close proximity to Christmas has led some to believe it is a high Jewish holiday like Christmas is a high Christian one. But it really isn’t. Passover and Yom Kippur are more the high holidays. Chanukah is just sort of there.
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The C Word

December 14, 2006

And now, for a festive, non-denominational session of…

YOU SUCK!!!!

People who are afraid to say the word “Christmas”. As if the political correctness gods will smite them if they do. That’s not all. On the other end of the spectrum are the asshats who throw a fit if you say anything other than Christmas.
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Annual Gift Man

December 13, 2006

Alright, let’s clear up something right now. Every Christmas it’s the same thing. We hear so much crap about our good jolly old rotund Arctic friend, Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas. Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Whatever. Everyone has their say in what the deal is with him. And not one of these people knows what the hell they are talking about.

Look, asshats. What you’re hearing about Santa Claus all the time is a bunch of crap. Your parents are full of it. Your friends are full of it. Teachers. Coworkers. They all think they know what they are talking about and act like they’re giving you accurate information, but they are not. Don’t listen to them. Listen to me. I’m here to tell you what the real deal is.
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The Post of Christmas Presents

December 12, 2006

This season of giving, I must tell some of you to…

SHUT THE HELL UP!

God, I’m sick of these losers bitching about Christmas getting too materialistic. For this, I’m afraid I must borrow the line from the gun nuts that they spout ad nauseum. If people are getting too materialistic at Christmas, that is their own damn fault. In other words, Christmas is not materialistic. People are materialistic.
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The 63-Inch Pianist

December 7, 2006

Did I ever tell you that one? Nah. I don’t tell people everything about myself. I just let some things come up as they come up on their own. So people who know me learn little known facts about me during the course of knowing me. Makes it more fun.

Little known, seldom mentioned fact about me today? I play the piano.

Well, these days, I play only during Christmas time. I played earlier this evening, but only because nobody was home. Because I’m just that bad at it.
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Lights Please

December 5, 2006

I hereby decree…

White holiday lights suck. Colored lights, for the win.

Yeah, what’s the point of white Christmas lights? It’s the same color as your porch lights. You went through all the trouble of climbing around on ladders, nearly breaking your neck, pricking yourself in your bushes (huh, huh, huh), and untangling the wire, but for what? Boring!

Although if the lights flash and flicker, that redeems it a little. But solid white lights on the front of your house? Snooze.
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Be a Victim Like a Good Little Boy

December 3, 2006

NYRA’s Jeff Odgis posted this on the forums today. It’s short, so I’ll repost it here.

Four-Year-Old Scares Off Armed Robbers

On Friday night a man forced his way into the home of Jennifer Long’s apartment in north Durham while a second man held a gun on her boyfriend outside. The robber forced Jennifer, another woman, and several children to lie on the floor.

Stevie, a four-year-old boy, slipped out of the room and changed into his Power Ranger costume. He re-entered the room waving a plastic sword and screaming, “Get away from my family!” The thief then fled with only some items from Jennifer’s purse.

Heather Evans, Stevie’s aunt quoted a counselor as saying that Stevie’s distinction between fantasy and reality needed to be improved. According the aunt Stevie believed he morphed into a Power Ranger. His little sister has experienced nightmares.

Stevie kicks ass. I mean, when we were little, wasn’t that our dream? That we could do more than just pretend to be heroes. This kid actually was one!

And, of course, the “well-meaning” adults can’t just be happy with this. No. There it was right there in that last paragraph.

“Oh, noes! Stevie can’t distinguish fantasy from reality!”

You idiot, he just saved your asses!
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I Met Chip

December 2, 2006

That’s right, folks. Today, I met NYRA forums crazy guy Chip Sinton. Also known as Sudburykid.

Chip is cool. He’s so cool that everyone else looks so not cool next to him.

It was like an early Christmas present to meet the famous Chip.

Oh, and he bought us food, which also rocks.

Chip kicks ass.

Okay, Chip, there’s your requested entry. 😛