False Alarm

January 31, 2018

Hawaii: Everybody okay? No threat. Let’s just breathe. It’s okay. It’s okay-

FCC: WTF Hawaii? You really fucked this up big time. Fix your shit.

Hawaii: …

Hawaii: …..

Hawaii: ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT! I have put up with this bullshit for too fucking long!

Other 49 states: !!!!!

Hawaii: You know what? I was happy as an independent country. Fuck you guys. I’m seceding.

South Carolina: Been there. Done it.

Hawaii: And what has being a part of the United States gotten us? Our native people and culture attacked and nearly decimated.

Oklahoma: Actually that makes you very much part of us.

Hawaii: And, you know, forgive me for thinking an Asian country that doesn’t like the US very much might be wanting to bomb me because it’s not like it’s happened- Oh wait, it’s happened before, December 7, 19-fucking-41, the day that lives in infamy! You all got through World War II mostly unscathed, but look at the bullshit I went through.

California: Oh, I had some bad things going on over here I’d like to forget.

Hawaii: It was happening here, too. That’s what I get. You all come over here, overthrow our beloved Queen and annex us, and you force us to assimilate, and what do we get for our trouble? Surprise attack from above!

New York: I know all about that.

Hawaii: And you turned one of my beautiful islands, Kaho’olawe, into a bombing range and destroyed it. What the fuck was that about?

New Mexico: Yeah, that reminds me, I too had some bad things going on over here around World War II I’d like to forget.

Hawaii: But we got statehood, so I guess problem solved right?

Puerto Rico: To be fair, it could be worse. *flicks nearby light switch on and off, nothing happens*

Hawaii: But now here’s the FCC giving us shit over our alert system. Well, get fucked, FCC! You Net Neutrality killing bastards with your stupid oversized Reese’s coffee mug.

Pennsylvania: *whistles innocently*

Maryland: I’m certainly sympathetic to your reasons for wanting to secede, Hawaii, though I’m not sure I’m totally on board.

Kentucky: I agree.

Missouri: Yeah, same here.

Nevada: I mean, a lot of us wound up part of the union for silly reasons.

North Dakota: And we certainly know all about watching indigenous lands getting damaged- Aw, damn it, the pipeline sprang a leak again! Hang on…

Hawaii: Well, maybe you all want to keep putting up with it, but I’m out. I don’t need this shit anymore. I’m just going to be out here doing my own thing.

Alabama: Good for you! Just like us back in the day. We didn’t need no Abraham Lincoln to make us give up our slaves-

Georgia: Quiet, Alabama! Our official reason for secession was states’ rights, not slavery.

North Carolina: Wait, is anyone still buying the states’ rights excuse?

Hawaii: You see, that’s another thing. Look at the ass backward bullcrap some of you are still doing. You know, in the 2016 election, I was solidly blue. Every island went for Clinton. Which is more than I can say about any of you!

Massachusetts: Hey, I was solidly blue, too!

Wisconsin: But she didn’t visit me!

Michigan: Honestly, I’m so poisoned from my toxic drinking water I barely know what’s going on half the time.

Alaska: Sarah Palin endorsed him. What was I to do?

Idaho: I’m Idaho!

Montana: We just want the government to stay out of our business. Isn’t that what you want, Hawaii?

Hawaii: Clearly not in the same way you do. The idea a lot of you have of a limited government looks a lot like white supremacy to me, and most of my population is non-white, so count me out.

West Virginia: But he’s going to give us back our coal jobs!

Virginia: Cram it, District 12.

Florida: Hey, if you go, does this mean Key West is the southernmost point in the country again?

Hawaii: Yeah, sure, Florida. Have fun.

Texas: I know how you feel. I too was my own thing before joining the union, and I still have my unique culture that is NOT to be messed with! So what is it you’re going to do now?

Hawaii: Back to what I was before, I guess. We’ll run things like our current state government, only independently. Or perhaps even reinstate our old constitutional monarchy. Either way, we return power to our people after such a long time of colonialism and occupation.

Oregon: I know all about being occupied. I mean, it was a bird sanctuary, FFS!

Hawaii: Okay then. I’ll go ahead and write up my Articles of Secession and present it when it’s ready.

Mississippi: Don’t forget the part about your right to keep slaves.

Hawaii: We don’t have slaves, Mississippi!

Louisiana: Wait, you don’t? What’s the point in seceding?

Hawaii: Wow. Okay, yeah… I definitely need out.

Illinois: But you gave us Obama! He’s awesome, and so are you.

Hawaii: Mahalo, Illinois! But this is for the best.

New Jersey: Surely we can still talk this over. Don’t do anything drastic. Want anybody whacked?

Delaware: Shut the fuck up, New Jersey. Jesus.

Connecticut: Wait, that’s it. You gave us Obama and in 2016 were solidly blue. You clearly have a good sense of things, yet you fall victim to much of the nonsense. So, well, you’re right. You ought to secede. You have to look out for yourself. In fact, you’ll be terrific as a sovereign nation instead of just one of us states.

Hawaii: Uh, mahalo. But why do I get the feeling there’s a catch?

Rhode Island: No catch. Connecticut is right. It’s a great idea. After all you’ve been through, it’s only fair.

Washington: It’s cool. I’ll just be here with my tech and my rain, and you’ll reinstate your old monarchy. With your… reign.

Colorado: Make Honolulu a world capital and do your own thing and be awesome. We have faith in you.

Hawaii: Okay, you all are definitely getting at something.

Iowa: Hey, we mean it. You’ve run yourself well before, until we came and ruined it, so no reason to believe you can’t do it again. We’re not going to interfere.

Hawaii: Out with it. What is it you do want?

New Hampshire: We don’t want to annex you. On the contrary…

Hawaii: …

Other 49 states: …

Orange Thing: “Grab ’em by the pussy!”
Orange Thing: “There are fine people on both sides.”
Orange Thing: “Fake news!”
Orange Thing: “Those sons of bitches protesting our national anthem…”
Orange Thing: “Why do we keep getting immigrants from shithole countries?”

Hawaii: …

Vermont: …we want you to annex us.

Hawaii: Wait, what?

Other 49 states: TAKE US WITH YOU!!!