Celebrity News

October 2, 2007

And now, for an overhyped, scandalous edition of…


This time? It’s these people who actually follow celebrity news. People who actually care what’s going on in celebrity lives. They read every magazine about the sordid affairs, watch every gossip show, and chat about it with their vacuous friends as if Angelina Jolie looking pregnant had any relevance to the world.

It’s bad enough having to see this stupid crap in all the grocery store checkout aisles. Doesn’t matter whether tabloid or not, they’re all running together. They’ve got that special aisle in grocery stores without candy or tabloids (you know, for parents who don’t want their children to know that candy and celebrities exist), yet they still carry the People and Us magazines, which carry about the same thing. Ridiculous speculation about people who get way too much attention.

Then there’s the realization that for these magazines and the TV shows about celebrity gossip to exist, that has to mean there’s a large portion of the population actually interested in this. Think about that for a moment. Don’t worry about the dying neurons. That normally happens upon thinking about this sort of thing. There’s a large portion of the population that thinks the personal lives of movie stars, musicians, and other icons are actually of any earth-shattering importance.

Because of this, this is the junk we’re inundated with all the time. But tell me something. Why are these stars so special? Most of their problems are problems every day people face, yet these people couldn’t care less about the normal people going through hard times.

Oh, Britney Spears is bald and going through a tough time and just lost custody of her children? Sorry, Chris Crocker, but I just can’t cry for her like you can. She’s hardly alone. What she’s going through is what many other mothers go through. Mothers who don’t have millions of dollars. Although I do concede that she does have the added annoyance of having cameras in her face all the time, but for that you can blame, oh, all the assholes who think they have to know every single detail about her life for whatever reason!

Paris Hilton having legal trouble? Who doesn’t? Lindsay Lohan having legal trouble? Who doesn’t? What makes them so special? Mel Gibson drives drunk and talks badly about the Jews? So does my dad, as well as a zillion other assholes around the country. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got in a fight about something? Wow, you mean a couple actually had a fight? ZOMG, that is so unheard of! Jackasses.

Yeah, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say these were just ordinary people. That’s right. I hate to break it to you, but these famous actors and singers and all aren’t on some separate plane of existence from the rest of us. If Jennifer Aniston were sitting on your couch right now, there wouldn’t be some celestial glow around her or some kind of golden aura in your house. She’d just be some chick on your couch. She has a lot of money and everyone knows her name. But other than that, she’s just like you! Who’d have thought!

And you don’t know these people personally. You don’t know what they’re like. You’ve never met them. You just know of them. You listen to their songs and watch their movies, but that doesn’t mean you’re best friends. It doesn’t mean their love lives or the lives of their children are any of your business. If Brad Pitt dumps Angelina and goes out with, oh, Oprah Winfrey (random pick), does that affect your life in any way? Brad’s not some movie-god you must look up to, he’d just be some asshole dumping his wife for another woman.

Granted, some of these famous people must love the attention. Maybe they like having their family lives invaded. Probably helps their careers. Keeps them in the spotlight without having to actually do anything, having their very ordinary little quirks being big news to all the starstruck cretins who have no concept of intellectual thought.

As a side comment, ever notice how whenever celebrities do something bad, there’s always concern about being bad influences on kids? “Oh noes, Paris Hilton is a crackhead slut, she’s a bad influence on little girls!” Well, who’s the one deciding to give that crackhead slut so much glory? Not the little girls. It’s just all their being given. The crackhead slut is being made the brightest lightbulb in the string, so it’s all that can be seen. You can’t blame the little girls for that. Shine a light on chicks doing good things for a while, and then the girls might have someone better to look up to. When all they have is Paris Hilton and a mother who watches news about Paris Hilton as if it would contain the cure to cancer, what do you expect? When the hysterical celebrity media is full of all the bad things famous people are doing, ignoring the good things, how can you place blame on bad influences being given glory when you’re the one giving it all its glory to begin with? You asked for scandals, you got scandals, quit bitching about what it’s doing to your kids. Of course, if you’re the type to care about these scandals, your kids have bigger problems.

Basically, celebrities are ordinary people like you and me who do stupid shit. Acting like that’s unusual or worthy of your time or concern is the epitome of brainlessness. Go die in a fire.