It’s State-of-the-Art! (which, of course, means absolutely nothing)

I hereby decree…

Stop using the term “state-of-the-art” for anything!

I’ve been meaning to rant about this stupid crap for a while. It started a few years ago during my job searches. Seeing as possible employment for a biology grad like me was in biotech and pharmaceutical type companies, there I was perusing the many websites of suburban Maryland’s many such places. Ooh! They all use new, “state-of-the-art” technology! I’d say three out of every five websites I visited used this term at least twice. State-of-the-art methods. State-of-the-art machines. State-of-the-art facilities. State-of-the-art research. State-of-the-art products. State-of-the-art ways of wiping your ass. And don’t forget the state-of-the-art buzzwords! I’d say my About page pretty well demonstrates what that’s like.

Then at work not too long ago, I had the task of scanning through tons of websites of some biomedical type companies who were to be attending some conference in Texas. Took about a day and a half to get through all of them. What do I see? A massive ocean of meaningless fucking buzz words. The reason I was visiting these sites in the first place was to tell my coworker just what these companies do. And you know what? I had a hell of a time trying to figure that one out for like half of them! Sure, they’re nice enough to have a cute little “About Us” or “The Company” type page. Well, let me tell you something, folks. Saying “our dedicated professionals have been working hard on state-of-the-art technology for over 15 years, for the most value-added methods of caring for patients…” doesn’t tell me shit! All I can gather from your site, maybe, trying to weave through all the empty bloated idiot-speak and the stock photos of happy-looking people (at least four of the sites had the exact same picture of the same receptionist chick wearing a headset and smiling), is that you do something with skin. Probably. Could be bone. I’m not sure. Both perhaps? Well, what do you do with the skin and/or bone? Do you heal it? Do you make some product that helps heal it? Uh-huh. So how does the product or you heal the bone or skin? No, I don’t want to hear about the state-of-the-art technology again, I spent like half an hour trying to get through all that. It doesn’t answer my fucking question, dipshit!

But I suppose I can live with that. If businesses want to make themselves look exactly the same as every other business, fine. Let the idiots play their idiot game. I had the occasional respite when a site I came to that day had like only one page, the font was 14pt Comic Sans with a light blue background, a picture of the product they sell, and a nice concise description of who they are and what exactly they do. Fie on the fucker who thinks that site is unprofessional! Probably cost next to nothing to put together, too, which I can’t say for the multi-national “state-of-the-art enterprises” trying to bloat their image with their “best of breed” claims, their stupid ass stock photos of smiling people and inexplicable close-ups of hands or feet (oh, and don’t forget the picture of a doctor caring for a little kid, most likely letting the kid put the stethoscope in her ears and try to listen to the doctor’s chest, doesn’t that just make you wet yourself with joy at how much this company must therefore care about people?), and their annoying stupid ass fucking Flash intros!

I was walking home from the bus stop this afternoon, for my nice seven hours of solitude in my room until it’d be time to go to bed so I can get up early for yet another soak under a few dozen fluorescent lights while performing nearly meaningless tasks for lucre. Being a hot day and an uphill trek, I was thirsty when I got into my house and decided to grab a water bottle from the fridge. I got here to my trusty computer and began checking my e-mail and opening this nice cool bottle of Dasani. And what should I see on the side of it? “Dasani is filtered through a state-of-the-art purification system…”

Ugh, son of a bitch! Buzz words are found in business pamphlets and websites and commercials. Fine. But you know these meaningless shameful dregs of language? Now they’re on my fucking water bottle!

So, enough! Just fucking stop it. Use real words, you brainless yuppy pieces of shit. Let the term “state-of-the-art” die a horrible death like it deserves. Ever heard of the words “new” or “modern”? They work fine enough. Not that you have the cognitive capacity to come up with that. In that case, fuck off.