Yeah, I’m a Bitch

May 9, 2006

So I came across this cutesy crap in my MySpace bulletin list today. Figured it was worth a mention over here. Basically, it’s like “if you’re a guy, would you do this with a girl?” or “if you’re a girl, does this all sound nice?”. Something like that. Well, I’m a girl! May as well answer it.

“While I hold your hand, I’ll play with your fingers.”

What for? Leave my damn fingers alone.

“I’ll tickle you & make you laugh.”

No. That’ll only make me slap you.

“Kiss you.”


“And not only kiss you on the lips, but kiss you on the cheek and forehead too.”

This thing is geared towards straight girls, right? And post-pubescent ones at that? Because now I’m confused.

“Hold you by the waist.”

Um… why? Are you that short? I can keep my balance on my own, thank you.

“Hug you while I’m behind you and rest my head on your shoulder.”

Translation: You sneak up behind me, startle me, I smack you in the face by reflex, you’re knocked nearly unconscious, and your head kind of slumps forward onto my shoulder. Now shouldn’t you know better than that?

“Whisper I love you in your ear.”

Don’t whisper in my ear. That shit’s annoying.

“Tell you you’re beautiful.”

You’re REALLY reaching for conversation, dude.

“Look you in the eyes and smile when I’m thinking.”

What the fuck are you doing, you creepy bastard? Seriously. Stop.

“Tell you I never want to let you go.”

Aw, crap. Now I’m held hostage. Not cool.

“Come visit you while your sick.”

No, you’ll be all like “get some rest and eat lots of soup” and other generic stuff. I get well on my own.

And now I’ve got that “Cold Hard Bitch” song stuck in my head.

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