Now I Know You All Hate Eggplant

March 10, 2006

The pilot episode of Family Guy was on the other night on Cartoon Network. Lois brought out dinner to the table and said “I know you all hate eggplant…” (cut off when Stewie fired a laser at her that just barely missed, hehehe) as she was serving it. And it got me thinking. If the entire family hates eggplant, why the hell is she making it?

This is something I’ve noticed in real-life social situations. I suppose this varies from person to person, but it’s just the way I’ve seen it anyway. It’s like when someone is making food to serve to people, they feel it’s none of their concern to consider the culinary tastes of those who will be eating it. They just figure “you’d better eat whatever I serve”. I mean, I understand making a nice meal is hard work and you want it appreciated, but your hard work won’t be appreciated if you fix something that will make the eater spend the entire night in the bathroom.

Children especially fall victim to this. Parents and other adults don’t give a shit what foods children do and don’t like. They’re under this ridiculous notion that the only food any given child will want to eat is candy and McDonald’s, and they refuse to listen when told that stereotype is full of shit. In fact, when a child does come across a kind of food he doesn’t like, he’s screwed. Here’s why.

No matter how much he might like everything else he is served, the second a child makes it known he doesn’t like a kind of food, he’s automatically pegged a “picky eater”. And the label sticks a long time. Anyone who would make any food he’d eat would be given such a dire warning, and they’d be so scared about what to serve him. Not that they’d be all that careful. They’d either refuse to serve him anything except obvious junk, or they’d do the thing that is extremely inhuman (but, like a lot of other things, no one stops to realize that even though it is a child involved, it is just as inhuman) and actually coerce him into eating a food he doesn’t like.

Think about that for a moment. Think of a kind of food you absolutely despise, for whatever reason. Then imagine someone over twice your size standing over you, yelling at you in a menacing, booming, monstrous voice. Imagine seeing this food you hate on a plate in front of you, and this powerful being behind you, screaming at you to “EAT IT! NOW!” accompanied with threats of what will be done to you if you don’t.

What the fucking hell makes anyone think it is EVER okay to treat ANYONE like that, let alone a little kid?

Or, the child might realize the annoyance of all this crap and eventually learn not to express his opinion of any food he is given. Even food he hates, he’ll just eat it anyway to his disgust. It sucks. Eventually, he is tired of it and might finally say “I hate this!” Then comes another stupid thing adults think about children. They assume that if the child never tells them something (i.e. that he really doesn’t like the food he’s being fed), it’s not true. That’s fine, but then it extends to when the child does tell them he hates the food, and they assume he only just then started hating it. This is often accompanied with the age-old “But you used to love it!” Even he if explicitly says he always hated it, he must be a liar. “No, you used to love it. Now you hate it all of a sudden.” Yes, because somehow they know more about what another person thinks and likes, child or not, than he does himself. Fucking idiots.

Well, the fact that children get the royal screw job all the time is hardly news to anyone, let alone anyone who is reading this, hehe. There are times we got visit my aunt and uncle, and I find for dinner is pork (which I fucking hate), egg salad (I’m allergic to eggs), bacon wrapped around liver (who in their right mind would eat fucking liver?!), potatoes au gratin (I fucking hate cheese), and, if I’m lucky, some cucumber salad will be the only thing I’ll touch. I’m too nice to actually say anything, but I do wonder if they ever notice there’s only a couple of things at the most at their table I will even touch. Probably not. They’re too busy getting dessert, which are swirl brownies. Sounds good. I might take a piece that’s entirely chocolate with some vanilla ice cream and be a happy camper, until I go get another piece, with a bit of the light part, take a bite, and just about gag. I ask “What’s in this?!” and they’re like “Cream cheese” which, even though, yeah, it’s technically not cheese, I don’t give a fuck, I still fucking hate cream cheese. So that’s when I finally bitch, only to get “But you already had one piece and didn’t mind!” Grrr. Fucking idiots. You know, it’s one thing to serve food I don’t like, but it’s another to be sneaky about it. Just like the time they did serve the aforementioned liver wrapped in bacon. I smelled it and was thinking “mmm, bacon!” So I took one and put it in my mouth, only to cough that shit back out and be like “What’s in this?!” And they wouldn’t fucking tell me! I had to ask like several times before they finally told me it was liver. Goddamn, the more I reminisce about this, the more I want to bitch at them next time I see them. Sure, it was like ten years ago, but I don’t give a fuck.

Food is serious business. Don’t fuck with it.

Going back to Lois Griffin, it’s one thing if there’s like one family member who doesn’t like something and you still make it for dinner. That extra one can eat something else, or eat the same meal but with the ingredient in question removed, if such can be done. But to serve a meal the whole fucking family hates and expect them to just eat it anyway? What the fuck is that? Serve something they like, dipshit.

Watch how you do that, though. Another food problem among people, again involving children, is serving only what you already know they like, never anything new. You’re so afraid she won’t eat at all if you give her something different that you stick only to what she does already like. Don’t expect her to eat something you know she doesn’t like, but at least make new stuff an option. A child’s diet does not have to and really should not consist solely of hamburgers, hot dogs, fried chicken, fries, and pizza. Wonder why that’s all your kid will eat? Well, why is it all you’re fucking offering? Did you know she might like Philly cheesesteak subs or chicken cacciatore or shrimp scampi? I guess you’ll never know, since you’ve decided that her burgers and fries and pizza must be the only thing she’ll eat and are therefore conditioning her to eat only that. No culinary culture. You sicken me.

If that sounds contradictory to what I said earlier, bite me, because it’s not. Did I say force her to eat more various foods? No! Did I say serve only something new and offer nothing else if she doesn’t like it? No! If she does get to try shrimp scampi and it turns out she doesn’t like it after all, then give her something else. Children deserve respect, whether you think so or not. You can respect her wishes and give her something different if she doesn’t like what’s been served. Don’t be stupid. Oh, no, wait. Forgot. You’re dealing with a child. Of course you’re stupid.

Respect people’s food preferences, bitches! Don’t make me kick your ass.