December 12, 2015

One More Ghost

Filed under: Christmas Time!,Dead Tree Sandwiches,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 11:11 pm

After Ebenezer Scrooge had his fateful Christmas Eve encounter with the spirit of Jacob Marley and then the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, he vowed to change his ways and become the nicest guy in the world. He bought the Cratchits a Christmas feast and promoted his nephew. We all know that.

But that next night, suddenly another spirit visited him.

Scrooge: Another spirit! What is it now? Who are you?

Ghost: Oh, don’t worry. I’m just here to have you rate your experience with the Past, Present, and Future Ghosts. Would you say you were satisfied with their overall message? What parts of your experience stood out the most for you?

Scrooge: Hmm, hard to pick just one. But perhaps it was what the Ghost of Christmas Future showed me that was the most eye-opening.

Ghost: Yeah? Go on.

Scrooge: He showed me that little Tiny Tim would die, and then that I would die. If I did not change my ways.

Ghost: Alright. Is that all?

Scrooge: It was devastating to my very core.

Ghost: So you have made changes in your life that should prevent these things from happening?

Scrooge: I believe so.

Ghost: It’s just that, well, you’re still going to die eventually no matter what you do. People might actually be mourning you when it does happen if you’re kinder, but you’ll still be dead.

Scrooge: Oh. Well, what of Tiny Tim? At least he’ll have a full life if I pay to have him cured.

Ghost: I wouldn’t count on it. I mean, it’s like 1830, and while it’s not clear what exactly he even has, it seems like some degenerative disease that no one can really do anything about anyway.

Scrooge: So you’re saying what the third Ghost showed me was all going to happen for sure? I asked if these were the things that will be or what may be, and he did not answer. He did not say anything actually.

Ghost: Yeah, that one isn’t actually able to speak. But I’ll make a note of that you did not get your question answered.

Scrooge: This is unbelievable! I went through all that with the Ghosts only to find there’s nothing I can do.

Ghost: That’s not exactly true. You should still be a good person as you’ve vowed to do. You’ll have friends and all. You won’t be so alone. You’ll have fun. That’s what’s important, right?

Next day, Ebenezer Scrooge returns to being a miserly asshole, and dies the following year. No one comes to his funeral because they’re over at Tiny Tim’s funeral.

December 23, 2014

Three Ships Too Far

Yay, Christmas songs are fun! 😀

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas Day in the mor-

*massive earthquake*

*reality itself seems to split at the seams*

Whoa! What’s happening?

“OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD!”

Huh? What? What’s overloaded?

“THERE IS TOO MUCH SHIT IN THE NATIVITY SCENE!”

There is? How so?

“HOW SO?! THINK ABOUT IT. IT’S FAR BEYOND JUST MARY, JOSEPH, JESUS, AND THE STAR. THERE ARE SHEPHERDS. THERE ARE THREE WISE MEN. THERE ARE A CRAPLOAD OF FARM ANIMALS. THERE’S THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY. AND NOW… FUCKING SHIPS!”

I didn’t write that song. I was just singing it. Besides, what’s wrong with ships?

“THERE ARE NO BODIES OF WATER CLOSE ENOUGH TO BETHLEHEM FOR SHIPS TO MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!”

What if they’re flying ships?

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD THERE BE FLYING SHIPS? HONESTLY!”

For the same reason there’s a baby born from a virgin impregnated by God, under a conveniently placed star. Why the hell not flying ships?

“ONE SUPERNATURAL THING AT A TIME!”

Speaking of supernatural, what the hell are you supposed to be?

“NEVER YOU MIND.”

How about repairing reality? Whatever you are, you sure pitch a fit when the nativity scene gets out of whack. Wait, does this mean you’re…?

“EVERYTHING NORMAL!”

*reality restores itself*

Huh. That was weird.

October 30, 2014

Postseason

Filed under: Sports!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 12:09 am

I just watched Game 7 of the World Series. Aww, no more baseball until next year!

Did you see the Postseason at all? No? Basically, it was the ten best MLB teams saying farewell to you and to this season until next year. Here’s a recap…

*teams line up side by side in front of a stairway*

All: “So long! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Oakland A’s and Pittsburgh Pirates: “We hate to go and leave this pretty sight.” *both exit*

All: “So long! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen, goodbye!”

Los Angeles Angels and Detroit Tigers: “We’re sweeped, we heave a sigh and say goodbye. Goodbyyyyyyyyyye!” *both exit*

All: “So long! Farewell! Au revoir, auf wiedersehen!”

Washington Nationals: “I’d like to stay and win my first World Series ring. Yes?”

San Francisco Giants: “No.” *Nationals and LA Dodgers exit*

Baltimore Orioles: “I’m glad to go. I cannot tell a lie.”

St. Louis Cardinals: “So you just flit and float and totally let the Royals sweep you?”

Baltimore Orioles: “I’m being sarcastic, you idiot!” *both sarcastically flit and float about and exit*

*Kansas City Royals and San Francisco Giants back away into the stairs*

Both: “The summer has gone for the year and so must we. So long. Farewell. Auf wiedersehen, goodbye…”

Kansas City Royals: “Goodbye…” *exits*

San Francisco Giants: “Goodbye!” *exits*

December 21, 2013

Light and Dark

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 5:08 pm

The Winter Solstice is here again. Oh, I hear something…

Winter Solstice: It’s time for the sun to return!

Summer Solstice: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Winter Solstice: Hey, what are you doing here?

Summer Solstice: I’m on the other side of the world. We occur at the same time, you know.

Winter Solstice: I know that. Anyway, why aren’t you celebrating? You have lots of sun.

Summer Solstice: And I have to see it go away. For that, nobody gives a damn. With you, they celebrate the sun returning, but by the time I come around, their brightest day of the year, no one cares. No summer Christmas for me.

Christmas: Did someone say my name?

Winter Solstice: Summer Solstice is feeling glum and without a holiday.

Christmas: What! Nonsense. You’ve got me. You’re today in the southern hemisphere, are you not?

Summer Solstice: Yeah. But having you is just sort of a happy accident.

Christmas: And the key word there is “happy”. So don’t be sad.

Winter Solstice: Now just a minute, Christmas. You’re specifically for me. Everything you’re made of comes out of Winter Solstice celebrations.

Christmas: And I think I’m fine with the southern hemisphere calling me a summer holiday just as they call me a winter one for you. Got a problem with that?

Winter Solstice: Yes! Because you’re specifically a winter holiday.

Christmas: I’m a lot of things. If I want to call myself also a celebration of the days being their longest and brightest, I’ll do that.

Winter Solstice: But it doesn’t make sense.

Christmas: Hey, does applying importance to axial tilt as if it means anything beyond that make any sense? Don’t pull at that thread.

Summer Solstice: Axial tilt? Yeah, that’s ours. But, Christmas, I thought Jesus was the reason for your season. 😉

Christmas: That, too.

Summer Solstice: So you already go beyond us solstices. What’s the matter here?

Christmas: I don’t know. I thought you were the one unhappy.

Summer Solstice: Winter gets all the celebration for the return of the sun, but I have the sun as returned and full as it’s going to get. And I get little celebration. I don’t get it.

Christmas: That doesn’t reflect upon you. Hey, how do you think I’d feel if I worried too much about what my celebrators do supposedly for me? Especially that mind-numbing “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” war. These people simply don’t make sense.

Summer Solstice: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Christmas: Maybe? Or, perhaps, people are too busy lounging around in the bright sunny long days they don’t need to put on a special celebration? Perhaps a more subtle, more muted appreciated.

Summer Solstice: Hmmm. Could be.

Christmas: There you go! You don’t need to be the cheap crap that Winter Solstice and I are.

Winter Solstice: Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?

Summer Solstice: It means enjoy your hypothermia, losers!

Winter Solstice: Oy.

December 1, 2013

Turkey and Latkes

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 4:12 pm

Oh, here we go again…

Thanksgiving: More turkey?

Chanukah: Yes, thank you. More latkes?

Thanksgiving: Please! They’re marvelous.

Christmas: Hey, there you are, Chanukah! What’s going on over here?

Chanukah: Having a turkey and latke dinner with Thanksgiving.

Christmas: Interesting. How come?

Chanukah: Check a calendar. The 25th of Kislev this year is also Thanksgiving. So the two of us are hanging out this year.

Christmas: But I like hanging out with you. It won’t be the same not having you around.

Chanukah: Oh, sure, sure. You’ll be all alone. Except well, for Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, New Year’s Day, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Epiphany…

Christmas: I get it, I get it. Alright, I’ll leave you to it. See you next year, I guess.

Chanukah: Hmm. Well, I’d feel bad, but Thanksgiving seems so lonely each year. It’s a nice quiet change.

Thanksgiving: Oh, I’m not totally alone…

Chanukah: What do you mean?

Black Friday: LOL HAI U GUIZE!!!11!!1!

Thanksgiving and Chanukah: Oh shit!

February 22, 2013

Downton Rage

Filed under: Idiot Box,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 5:53 pm

So I’ve finally gotten into Downton Abbey. I’ve pretty much only seen the third season, save bits and pieces of earlier ones. My parents had been watching it from the beginning. And, well, the Crawley family matriarch is played by Minerva McGonagall so who can resist? 😛

Well, it’s been a turbulent season. So I figured I’d share this is the most awesome way possible… with Rage Comics. Enjoy!

(Also, goes without saying, but LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS ahead so don’t click through or read more if you care.)
(more…)

December 21, 2012

The Sun Returns

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 2:20 pm

I went outside earlier and looked up at the sky. Though mostly cloudy, to the south I could see it. A weak, distant sun.

Alright, sun. Come on back.

To which the sun replied, “Why should I?”

Because it’s the winter solstice. It’s dark here.

“But when I leave this nice Tropic of Capricorn, it’s gets dark in the south. Why are you so special?”

Not a matter of special. It’s just time.

“That’s your only reason? It’s just time? What if I want to stay over here?”

Pretty sure that’d be a natural disaster.

“And why should I care about that? You know, Earth, you are some piece of work. Expecting everything from me.”

We can’t help that.

“Not that you are so appreciative. Six months ago, when I was shining all brightly around you and leaving the south in the dark, weren’t you all just bitching about the heat?”

True, true.

“And why should I shine anywhere on your stupid planet? The crap you all do to each other. Should just let you all rot in darkness.”

We’re much more than just humans.

“Yeah, well, don’t get me started on spiders!”

And even so, what is this? Your own little naughty or nice list?

“Please! Santa is the one who stole that shit from me!”

Okay.

“But you know what I hate most of all? You humans and your little solstice celebrations and the like. I send light and energy your way, and you all decide to attach more shit to me than that. I’m a star that happens to be close to you. And you benefit from me and have life. A life of stupidity.”

Um… sorry?

“Stupidity! In that every six months, whichever hemisphere is dark wants me to come back the other way, but I’m not even the one who moved. It’s your own stupid planet that keeps spinning around me and tilting certain ways at certain times, and yet I catch flak for it. Well, I’ve had it.”

Going to turn yourself off? Going supernova so fast?

“No. I’ll just let you have what you want. Your northern days will steadily get brighter now, from your own planetary revolving and tilting. But come summer I’m giving you some massive heat!”

Well, okay. Though if all you actually do is sit there and cast out light and energy, some of which happens to reach us, how much control do you have over that?

“No need. Your greenhouse gases are doing that one well enough.”

Um… I think I’ll just go Christmas shopping now…

“You do that.”

December 8, 2012

Candles

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 4:56 pm

Oh, would you look at that! It’s those silly December holidays again…

Chanukah: Ah, sundown at last! Time to light the menorah.

Christmas: Hiya, Chanukah!

Chanukah: Ugh. You again.

Christmas: Whatcha doin’?

Chanukah: What I always do on my first night. And each of the seven nights afterward. Lighting the menorah.

Christmas: Ooh, candles! Yay!

Chanukah: Um, yes, that’s right. Candles.

Christmas: I’ve got candles, too! Hang on. *rushes away* *about a minute passes* *rushes back with two long candles* Here they are. They’re red and green. My colors!

Chanukah: Uh huh. What are they for?

Christmas: These? Well, these candles seem like they’re for a dinner table. I’ve got more, though. Big fat ones that are red and glittery. Ones shaped like candy canes or reindeer. Little gingerbread-scented votives. Those old-timey ones that went on the trees before the electric lights were invented. And there’s of course those ones that go into those wreaths that Scandinavians like to wear on their heads for some reason.

Chanukah: All just meaningless decoration.

Christmas: Meaningless?! They’re fun and give light. I’m a Winter Solstice celebration, so Yule and all that other stuff had candles to light up the darkest days of the year.

Chanukah: But not part of the whole birth of Jesus thing. Because it’s not like you can include any Jews, right?

Christmas: Oh, don’t start with that! Jesus isn’t excluded. The midnight church services like to light candles while singing Silent Night. Jesus brought light, so to speak. It’s a metaphor, you see.

Chanukah: You’re really reaching, aren’t you! But you’ve accomplished your goal. Today is my day, and yet, though you are two and a half weeks away, you’ve made it all about you. Haven’t I made it abundantly clear I’m not merging into you?

Christmas: Loud and clear. You might even say… *lowers sunglasses* Midnight clear!

Chanukah: Get out of here!!! :doitnow:

January 1, 2012

Eight Days Later

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 2:32 pm

Happy New Year!

Oh, look, another holiday conversation!

New Year’s Day: Welcome 2012!

Christmas: Yay!

New Year’s Day: Another year is upon us!

Christmas: True. Except, well, why you?

New Year’s Day: What do you mean?

Christmas: Well, every date is a year after itself. Why start with you rather than like March 1 or something?

New Year’s Day: Come on, Christmas, you’re really not one to talk when it comes to why something is celebrated when it is!

Christmas: No, no, I have a point. I mean, if the idea is the year revolves around the birth of Christ, and that’s what I’m about, it would follow the year would begin and end with me. But it does that with you instead. A week later.

New Year’s Day: Yeah. Well, close enough.

Christmas: But it’s that week later, eight days later actually, that’s interesting. Think about it.

New Year’s Day: What?

Christmas: I’m about the birth of Jesus, right? And Jesus was Jewish. And you’re eight days after his birth, so…

New Year’s Day:

Christmas: Yeah.

New Year’s Day: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

December 21, 2011

Solstice of Lights

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 3:58 pm

Ah, winter has begun! And I think something else has, too.

Winter Solstice: Here I am! Alright, Northern Hemisphere, time for another winter!

Chanukah: Shalom!

Winter Solstice: Oh, hey, Chanukah! How’s it going?

Chanukah: It’s my first day!

Winter Solstice: Hey, seems we’re the same day this year!

Chanukah: Oy vey! Don’t let Christmas know that. I’ll never hear the end of it.

Christmas: Hear the end of what?

Chanukah: Ah, you again.

Christmas: Oh, wow! You start on the Winter Solstice this year? That’s awesome!

Chanukah: Actually, I started last night at sundown if we’re to be more specific.

Christmas: Close enough. This means that this year, just like me and my traditions, you too are a Winter Solstice celebration.

Chanukah: Oy. Here we go again. I have nothing to do with the solstice. The dates are a coincidence. I’m about a temple rededication after one of very very very many times the Jews were attacked.

Christmas: Hey, you know what would make an awesome menorah decoration?

Chanukah: Menorahs don’t need decoration.

Christmas: A holly sprig! Right at the base of it.

Chanukah: Why?

Winter Solstice: Holly is evergreen and symbolizes everlasting life. For you, it could mean the resilience of the Jews all through history maybe.

Chanukah: But that’s a Celtic thing, that Christians later also made about Jesus because they’re so insecure they have to make everything about Jesus. I don’t need that. Our own traditions and symbols are plenty interesting on their own.

Winter Solstice: Maybe instead of candle oil you guys should try my Yule log. That lasts weeks!

Christmas: How about a Star of David atop the tree?

Chanukah: Fuck this shit, I’m going to make some latkes.

Christmas: Don’t forget to leave some out for Santa!

Chanukah:

December 1, 2011

Gobbling Up November

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 10:22 am

It’s that time again! It’s the first of December, so today and every day hereafter through New Year’s Eve will have a NEW entry on Sure, Why Not?, just like every year. So, let’s-

Oh, wait, I think I hear something! Let’s listen…

Thanksgiving You know, for a holiday about loving and sharing, you’re getting a bit greedy.

Christmas What? What’d I do?

Thanksgiving Let’s go over this one more time. November? Mine. December? Yours.

Christmas Yes, yes, I know. What’s the problem?

Thanksgiving The problem is your decorations keep appearing way the hell back in October in some cases.

Christmas October is Halloween’s territory. What do you care?

Thanksgiving Well, it’s not like they take them down in November just to put them back up a month later. No, instead, decorations are up.

Christmas Hey, now, let’s go over this one more time. I have no control over what people who celebrate me do.

Thanksgiving Well, try something. People are getting ready and excited for you when they haven’t thought about buying their turkey yet and are still finishing off their Halloween candy, if they’ve even distributed that yet. I’m getting covered up here.

Christmas Relax. You’re still the official gateway to my season.

Thanksgiving Who other than Nordstrom remembers that?

Christmas Come on, are you really worrying about what stores do? They’re about the all-mighty dollar. What about individual people? How many houses are Christmas decorated before you come along? Not many.

Thanksgiving I suppose.

Christmas So what’s the problem?

Black Friday LOL HAI U GUIZ

Thanksgiving Fuck off!

December 21, 2010

Winter Solstice

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 12:54 pm

Uh oh! Seems once again two December observances are chatting! Let’s listen in…

Winter Solstice: Here I am! Time for the sun to stop at the Tropic of Capricorn and start heading back the other way again!

Christmas: Marvelous! And that means I’m only four days away! Time for wreaths and holly and celebration!

Winter Solstice: Uh, yeah, about that, isn’t that all actually mine?

Christmas: We can share, can’t we?

Winter Solstice: Well, of course. You and I are more or less the same celebration anyway.
(more…)

December 4, 2010

The Holidays

Filed under: Christmas Time!,WTF Did I Just Write? — Katrina @ 8:39 pm

Oh, a chat! Let’s listen in…

Christmas: Hey, Chanukah, how’s it going? On your, what, 4th night now?

Chanukah: Yup. And you’re still three weeks away, I see.

Christmas: Why are we so far apart this year?

Chanukah: Happens.

Christmas: I don’t like it. Prefer you were closer to me, so your people and mine could celebrate at the same time!

Chanukah: I’m usually closer to you. But maybe I prefer it this way. Everyone thinks I’m just a Jewish version of you anyway, when that is so not true.

Christmas: Well, you’re similar in a way.

Chanukah: How so? My celebration is about our candle oil lasting eight days instead of just one when we were trying to rededicate our temple after we were attacked. Yours is about… God having a kid.

Christmas: I mean the lights! Yes, there was Jesus, but that involved a big star lighting up the night sky. Yours too involves lots of lights when things looked dark. Not to mention countless other Winter Solstice celebrations that have merged with me, all with the same basic idea of celebrating light and warmth when the world is otherwise cold and dark.

Chanukah: Yeah, that’s another reason I don’t want to get too close to you. You’re sort of a December holiday Wal-Mart. It seems every single Winter Solstice or other celebration this time of year has just gotten sucked into you. Well, it’s not happening to me!

Christmas: It’s not so bad. Look, your days jump around all the time. Maybe if you were more a part of me, they’d be set days for once. Less confusing.

Chanukah: *choke* What?! I do begin on a set day. I start on the 25th of Kislev. The Gregorian calendar isn’t the only calendar, you know!

Christmas: Okay, okay. I’m sorry. But, hey, we’re both the 25th of a month! That’s something!

Chanukah: No, it’s not. Just… stop. We’re not merging. Menorahs and dreidls will not be part of you. They’re ours.

Christmas: Well, that doesn’t seem fair. Everyone can join us! Trees and wreaths and candy canes and presents for all!

Chanukah: It’s just a matter of preserving our traditions. Besides, we do have presents. We give gifts on each of the eight nights.

Christmas: Ah, you do exchange gifts then?

Chanukah: Yup. Our families meet for meals, light the candles, exchange the gifts, sing songs, play games, and do all sorts of other things.

Christmas: I’ve pretty much got all that, too.

Chanukah: So it’s even less reason for a merger. Besides, plenty of my people still celebrate Christmas.

Christmas: And that’s wonderful. The more the merrier.

Chanukah: 🙂

Christmas: Ohhhh… I see what you did there…

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