Oh, look, another holiday conversation!

New Year’s Day: Welcome 2012!

Christmas: Yay!

New Year’s Day: Another year is upon us!

Christmas: True. Except, well, why you?

New Year’s Day: What do you mean?

Christmas: Well, every date is a year after itself. Why start with you rather than like March 1 or something?

New Year’s Day: Come on, Christmas, you’re really not one to talk when it comes to why something is celebrated when it is!

Christmas: No, no, I have a point. I mean, if the idea is the year revolves around the birth of Christ, and that’s what I’m about, it would follow the year would begin and end with me. But it does that with you instead. A week later.

New Year’s Day: Yeah. Well, close enough.

Christmas: But it’s that week later, eight days later actually, that’s interesting. Think about it.

New Year’s Day: What?

Christmas: I’m about the birth of Jesus, right? And Jesus was Jewish. And you’re eight days after his birth, so…

New Year’s Day: …

Christmas: Yeah.

New Year’s Day: FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Winter Solstice: Here I am! Alright, Northern Hemisphere, time for another winter!

Chanukah: Shalom!

Winter Solstice: Oh, hey, Chanukah! How’s it going?

Chanukah: It’s my first day!

Winter Solstice: Hey, seems we’re the same day this year!

Chanukah: Oy vey! Don’t let Christmas know that. I’ll never hear the end of it.

Christmas: Hear the end of what?

Chanukah: Ah, you again.

Christmas: Oh, wow! You start on the Winter Solstice this year? That’s awesome!

Chanukah: Actually, I started last night at sundown if we’re to be more specific.

Christmas: Close enough. This means that this year, just like me and my traditions, you too are a Winter Solstice celebration.

Chanukah: Oy. Here we go again. I have nothing to do with the solstice. The dates are a coincidence. I’m about a temple rededication after one of very very very many times the Jews were attacked.

Christmas: Hey, you know what would make an awesome menorah decoration?

Chanukah: Menorahs don’t need decoration.

Christmas: A holly sprig! Right at the base of it.

Chanukah: Why?

Winter Solstice: Holly is evergreen and symbolizes everlasting life. For you, it could mean the resilience of the Jews all through history maybe.

Chanukah: But that’s a Celtic thing, that Christians later also made about Jesus because they’re so insecure they have to make everything about Jesus. I don’t need that. Our own traditions and symbols are plenty interesting on their own.

Winter Solstice: Maybe instead of candle oil you guys should try my Yule log. That lasts weeks!

Christmas: How about a Star of David atop the tree?

Chanukah: Fuck this shit, I’m going to make some latkes.

Christmas: Don’t forget to leave some out for Santa!

Chanukah:

Oh, wait, I think I hear something! Let’s listen…

Thanksgiving You know, for a holiday about loving and sharing, you’re getting a bit greedy.

Christmas What? What’d I do?

Thanksgiving Let’s go over this one more time. November? Mine. December? Yours.

Christmas Yes, yes, I know. What’s the problem?

Thanksgiving The problem is your decorations keep appearing way the hell back in October in some cases.

Christmas October is Halloween’s territory. What do you care?

Thanksgiving Well, it’s not like they take them down in November just to put them back up a month later. No, instead, decorations are up.

Christmas Hey, now, let’s go over this one more time. I have no control over what people who celebrate me do.

Thanksgiving Well, try something. People are getting ready and excited for you when they haven’t thought about buying their turkey yet and are still finishing off their Halloween candy, if they’ve even distributed that yet. I’m getting covered up here.

Christmas Relax. You’re still the official gateway to my season.

Thanksgiving Who other than Nordstrom remembers that?

Christmas Come on, are you really worrying about what stores do? They’re about the all-mighty dollar. What about individual people? How many houses are Christmas decorated before you come along? Not many.

Thanksgiving I suppose.

Christmas So what’s the problem?

Black Friday LOL HAI U GUIZ

Thanksgiving Fuck off!

Goodness, we don’t get those around here, in the DC area! Hit 6 or so on the Richter scale!

*ring, ring, ring*

Oh, hang on, I’m getting a call. *reads caller ID* It’s from California!

*answers*

Hello?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

*hangs up*

Hmm, that’s weird.

—

Oh, man, what a hot day! It’s like 115 degrees! Doesn’t usually get this hot here in the DC area.

*ring, ring, ring*

Oh, hang on, I’m getting a call. *reads caller ID* It’s from Arizona!

*answers*

Hello?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

*hangs up*

Hmm, that’s weird.

—

Uh oh! There’s a hurricane heading RIGHT THIS WAY! We’d better get ready. Winds are over 100mph! We don’t usually get hurricanes here in the DC area.

*ring, ring, ring*

Oh, hang on, I’m getting a call. *reads caller ID* It’s from Florida!

*answers*

Hello?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

*hangs up*

Hmm, that’s weird.

—

WTF?! It’s a huge ass BLIZZARD! It’s like 10 degrees and we’re getting over three feet of snow! We don’t usually get this here in the DC area.

*ring, ring, ring*

Oh, hang on, I’m getting a call. *reads caller ID* It’s from Vermont!

*answers*

Hello?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

*hangs up*

Hmph!

—

How about you all just come to DC then?

*sometime later*

“Eww, it’s so humid here!”
“There are severe thunderstorms every night?!”
“Gah, I’ve been stuck in traffic on the beltway for three hours and have only moved 20 feet!”
“What do you mean ‘one way street?’ They’re all one-way streets!”
“There’s so many trees! I can’t stop sneezing!”
“What do you mean Metro is single tracking?!”
“The electricity won’t be back on for several days?… Who the hell is Pepco?”
“Oh, my God, there’s stinkbugs and mosquitos everywhere!”
“Who would want to live here?!”

That’s what I thought.

This has been Day 92 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 11.

After getting off early from work today, also the last work day before Christmas (yay!), I went to a few stores to look for potential gifts. First Barnes and Noble, then some Middle Eastern food store, then Best Buy, then Kohl’s. And in each one… my nose was soooo drippy! Gross!

I mean, WTF? It felt like I couldn’t even go out in public without either having crap spewing out of my nose or a tissue stuffed into my nostrils. Neither would leave me fit for being where people are!

Instead, I made several trips to the bathroom to get paper towels to wipe my nose with. Bathrooms were too gross for me to use the toilet paper for that. And I didn’t bring enough tissues with me. Though an entire box probably would not have been enough. There I was, trying to look at DVDs and digital cameras, near other people trying to do the same, and I’m the creepy chick who keeps having to wipe her very drippy nose.

And with those hands I’m using to wipe my very drippy nose with a very snot-saturated tissue, I’m pawing through stuff to see what would be nice to give as gifts to my dumb family. Seriously, this drippy nose was making things difficult! Drippy nose is forcing me into hiding lest I become a pariah, a pariah due to being the creepy chick with a cold who can’t stop the runny!

Then comes the other disturbing thing about this. Here I am stuck touching merchandise with hands I’d been using to wipe an overused tissue across my nostrils, trying in vain to stem the flow of watery mucus. And handwashing or rubbing Purell over and over isn’t all that feasible. So my cold germs are getting on this stuff I’m not buying. Feel so guilty. And then I realize, if I’m doing it… how many other people already did?

Damn you, germs!

Winter Solstice: Here I am! Time for the sun to stop at the Tropic of Capricorn and start heading back the other way again!

Christmas: Marvelous! And that means I’m only four days away! Time for wreaths and holly and celebration!

Winter Solstice: Uh, yeah, about that, isn’t that all actually mine?

Christmas: We can share, can’t we?

Winter Solstice: Well, of course. You and I are more or less the same celebration anyway.

Christmas: Exactly! The return of light in a world of cold darkness, whether the return of the sun, or the birth of the Son of God.

Winter Solstice: The latter of which actually happened in April, of course.

Christmas: Yeah, true.

Winter Solstice: But April is home to Easter, the resurrection of Jesus, which as far as Christianity is concerned, actually matters. The circumstances of Jesus’s birth aren’t all that important beyond being a cute story. So maybe it’s a good thing you’re here in December with me.

Christmas: Goodness, what am I left with?

Winter Solstice: Other stuff that merged into you.

Christmas: Oh, wait, I know. I’ve got Santa Claus!

Winter Solstice: Ah, there you go. Plus, because of you, all my celebrations are four days later than me.

Christmas: Not quite! There’s been stuff all month. You and I are somewhat interchangeable.

Winter Solstice: Well, maybe I should be grateful for you. Keeping me alive in a sense. I perhaps don’t quite have Chanukah’s Jewish resilience.

Christmas: You got lucky in that exchange. Christians made most of your celebrations and symbols to be about Jesus somehow. It was either that or wipe everything out entirely.

Winter Solstice: Have you read your history? Christians did wipe a lot of Pagans out, or at least forcefully converted them.

Christmas: Yeah, I’ve never claimed my celebrators to be the most upstanding people in general.

Winter Solstice: Eh, don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault. You’ve been merely a tool and a result of it, but you’ve made the best of it and still inspire good, even if only nominally.

Christmas: Right! That’s what the season is about, right? Rising out of the cold, dark, gloomy, evil past and into joy, love, peace, and light!

Winter Solstice: Because today the sun returns!

Christmas: And it means the miraculous birth of salvation!

Winter Solstice: Because fuck the southern hemisphere!

Christmas: Ummm…

Most of the decorations at the store were rather sensible. Just some lights. Prelit trees. Snow globes. Obnoxious singing stuffed animals.

Then you get the huge lawn ornaments and whatnot. Huge inflatable snow globe for the front yard, six feet in diameter. Maybe some illuminated reindeer. Giant snowman. And, of course, as said right in the title of this thing, giant inflatable Santa, bigger than any of that other stuff.

PROTIP: If you find you have purchased the giant inflatable Santa, and you have placed it somewhere on your premises, you are officially overdoing it.

Christmas: Hey, Chanukah, how’s it going? On your, what, 4th night now?

Chanukah: Yup. And you’re still three weeks away, I see.

Christmas: Why are we so far apart this year?

Chanukah: Happens.

Christmas: I don’t like it. Prefer you were closer to me, so your people and mine could celebrate at the same time!

Chanukah: I’m usually closer to you. But maybe I prefer it this way. Everyone thinks I’m just a Jewish version of you anyway, when that is so not true.

Christmas: Well, you’re similar in a way.

Chanukah: How so? My celebration is about our candle oil lasting eight days instead of just one when we were trying to rededicate our temple after we were attacked. Yours is about… God having a kid.

Christmas: I mean the lights! Yes, there was Jesus, but that involved a big star lighting up the night sky. Yours too involves lots of lights when things looked dark. Not to mention countless other Winter Solstice celebrations that have merged with me, all with the same basic idea of celebrating light and warmth when the world is otherwise cold and dark.

Chanukah: Yeah, that’s another reason I don’t want to get too close to you. You’re sort of a December holiday Wal-Mart. It seems every single Winter Solstice or other celebration this time of year has just gotten sucked into you. Well, it’s not happening to me!

Christmas: It’s not so bad. Look, your days jump around all the time. Maybe if you were more a part of me, they’d be set days for once. Less confusing.

Chanukah: *choke* What?! I do begin on a set day. I start on the 25th of Kislev. The Gregorian calendar isn’t the only calendar, you know!

Christmas: Okay, okay. I’m sorry. But, hey, we’re both the 25th of a month! That’s something!

Chanukah: No, it’s not. Just… stop. We’re not merging. Menorahs and dreidls will not be part of you. They’re ours.

Christmas: Well, that doesn’t seem fair. Everyone can join us! Trees and wreaths and candy canes and presents for all!

Chanukah: It’s just a matter of preserving our traditions. Besides, we do have presents. We give gifts on each of the eight nights.

Christmas: Ah, you do exchange gifts then?

Chanukah: Yup. Our families meet for meals, light the candles, exchange the gifts, sing songs, play games, and do all sorts of other things.

Christmas: I’ve pretty much got all that, too.

Chanukah: So it’s even less reason for a merger. Besides, plenty of my people still celebrate Christmas.

Christmas: And that’s wonderful. The more the merrier.

Chanukah:

Christmas: Ohhhh… I see what you did there…

Boy is left to watch over some sheep or villagers or whatever, to alert them if a hungry wolf comes by intending to eat them all up. Well, being a smartass, he cries “Wolf!” one night just to troll the villagers, and they figure how he’s screwing with them and kick his ass. The next night, he’s patrolling once more, and again trolls the villagers by screaming that there is a wolf coming, only for them to find no wolf and get pissed again. On the third night, because it’s always the third time in any of these stories that the interesting thing happens, he is out patrolling again and he actually does see a wolf. Oh shit! So he cries “Wolf!” to the villagers, who tell him to STFU and that they’re not falling for it again. So the wolf eats the boy and all the villagers. The end.

The moral of the story? Well, there are two. No, neither is the one you’ve always been taught is the moral. In the two possible real morals to this story, those villagers are fucking stupid.

First moral: If you cannot trust your alarm system, get a different one. Otherwise, if you’re going to ignore it anyway, what good is it? So the idiot villagers should have sent someone else to watch for the wolf.

Second moral: Even a liar sometimes tells the truth!

As demonstrated so nicely in the US Acres segment “The Wolf Who Cried Boy”.

Two days ago, boss was awesome and told us to go home for Christmas at around noon, even though we were supposed to work yesterday too. Yay, extra long weekend!

Yesterday, wrapped all my presents, made some cookies, finished and posted my newest Christmas NYRA Tale, went to my mom’s Greek friend’s big ass party again, and was half an hour late for the late night Christmas Eve church service. Not sure if that’s a win or a fail. Stupid family made me late and I missed O Come All Ye Faithful. I only even go for the music, dang it!

And during Silent Night, waving my candle around like a lighter at a concert, while wearing my Santa hat during the service.

And this morning got to family at around 10am and shortly after started opening presents.

Then at 11am I had to leave for a bit… to go to work. -_-

Just for a minute. It may be Christmas Day, but it’s also still Friday, and the freezer’s temperature chart still needs to be changed. I got there, repeatedly said “Fuck you!” to it while changing it out, writing the time, date, and initials on it, a nice “11:17am, 12-25-09″ that I’ll totally show my coworkers on Monday and totally get yelled at for. Dedication.

Then back to the house to continue opening presents. And getting what looked like a bottle of booze that was actually olive oil.

Then food.

Then more food.

Plus watching my little brother make his trains collide, in a god-like lust for transportation disaster. Incidentally, it seems the Pennsylvania Flyer kicks the Polar Express’s ass.

Now I’m sitting here next to him as he’s watching various train videos on YouTube.

Plus we’ve been having a Christmas Day Chat among NYRAnians which has been quite nice.

In this, our pseudo-White Christmas. Where the leftover snow from last weekend is getting killed fast from rain and rising temperatures. Christmas is supposed to bring snow, not kill it!

I love this day.