Sure, Why Not?

Now for a juvenile, literary edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

People who are all like “we’ve got to get kids reading!”

There’s been ads for James Patterson books on TV, and some recent ones start off with “James Patterson gets kids reading!” Because he’s apparently written young adult lit now, so it shows a pre-teen reading from a book about middle school.

Because if there’s anyone who truly knows what middle school is like, it’s authors in their sixties!

But, what, they couldn’t just advertise the book? They have to include some crap about “getting kids reading”?

That takes away the “here’s something you’ll enjoy” factor and turns it into yet another “getting kids to do things adults want them to be doing”. Okay, the implication seems to be “it gets them reading BECAUSE it’s enjoyable”, but it still makes it being enjoyable to the young reader secondary to satisfying some cliched expectation. Because, after all, the world cares nothing for kids’ personal desires and cares entirely for what adults desire for them.

Also, maybe someone should tell these adults that when kids are reading, they’re generally -gasp!- inside and sitting! Oh noes, they’re getting fat! So send them outside to get exercise. Then bitch that they aren’t reading enough.

Now for a generational, sneering edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I’m really getting sick of the same canned “complaint” about the younger generation, whether my own or ones after or even a little before, that we expect life to be fair all the time. This is blamed on school and maybe parents that supposedly give out awards just for participating, hoping to squash competition in order to prevent anyone from “feeling bad”. Or occasionally blamed on pop culture telling stories implying nothing seriously bad will ever happen to you.

And that all these messages have supposedly spoiled us and made us think life is perfect or that we’re good at things even when we’re not.

Speaking as someone whose schools and teams and such did have participation awards…

Bull-fucking-shit.

How stupid do you think we are?
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Now for a calendar obsessive edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Okay, today is November 11, 2011, so it’s 11/11/11. And at 11:11am I was watching the clock. Ha. Neat.

And that is the extent to which all the elevens are remotely relevant to anything.

Instead, I’m hearing people having rituals.

I’m hearing concerns about the end of the world.

I’m hearing terrorist concerns.

*facepalm*

Fucking hell, people, ENOUGH! Are you that goddamn thick? You think the universe as a whole cares about all or most of the numbers of the Gregorian date being the same?

Really, we’ve been over this and over this. As you may recall, no, the world did not end on January 1, 2000. Nothing happened this year on May 21 or October 21. Nothing is going to happen next year. The world will continue to exist. There is nothing inherently special about any of these dates.

And what about days when things did happen? Was September 11 of any significance before the attack for which it is now known? Or December 7 before Pearl Harbor was bombed? Or July 4 before the United States? I mean, there are people who might try to trace back through religious texts and try to say there was and we “should have seen it coming” but honestly, you can do that about any date.

You’re not going to find any universal truths or omens by reading too much into how our dates are written, you jackasses. Jesus tapdancing Christ…

Now for a sleepy, groggy, snooze-button-hitting edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Really really getting tired of the trope about teens being lazy, always sleeping in on weekends, not wanting to get up for school, etc. Everything from so-called “teen experts” (who are invariably adults who are so astoundingly self-righteous they think they know teens better than teens know themselves and make a career of it) to Windex commercials mocks teens for – gasp! – still being in bed after sunrise.

Are you people really so goddamn thick? EVERYBODY sleeps in! You do, too, unless you’re one of these people who gets up at 5am every morning to jog or something. In which case, you may notice you’re mostly alone when doing this. This is not normal behavior. Sleeping in until you absolutely have to get up for school or work, or sometimes later, is the normal behavior. Sleeping on weekends until your body decides it’s tired of being in bed and wants to try movement again is what is normal. For all ages. When you deride teens for doing this, you’re deriding them for normal behavior. Why?

Oh, right, you’re the adult, so against any logic or awareness of the world outside of your prejudices, you simply must look down on teens and scrutinize them and marginalize them and make damn sure they don’t feel welcome in Your World. You know, because you’re mature apparently.

This has been Day 22 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 11.

Now for a pseudo-humorous, stale edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I consider sense of humor to be perhaps the most important character trait in anyone. Couldn’t very well go through life without it. Funny stuff is fun. However, then you get the jokes that just get repeated over and over, from different people acting like they invented it and that they’re so smart and witty. If they were ever clever, it was lost long ago.

Two very recent examples?

“I don’t understand! How could Tunisia have overthrown their government without me signing a petition or changing my Twitter avatar?”

And…

“The new Starbucks Trenta is larger than the average human stomach! Lulz!”
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Now for an environmental, temperate edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

You know what I’m really getting fucking sick of? Or, at least, that I’m choosing to mention at the moment? Every time the temperature dips a little higher or a little lower than is normal for a given season, you get wingnut assholes deciding this is some definite information about global warming.

You see it from both sides…

“OMG, it’s a 70 degree day in January! Global warming has killed winter!”

“OMG, it’s a 50 degree day in July! Global warming doesn’t exist!”

Uh, hi, I’d like to introduce you both to the Hasty Generalization logical fallacy.

I mean, it’s of course not about expressing any actual scientific knowledge, as those with actual scientific knowledge on this get drowned in partisan propaganda, and many scientific studies even then get performed often by or at least funded by those who want a particular result. No, the entire point is to be a pompous ass to the other side, all like “see? I was right about global warming and you were wrong!” Who cares if the “info” you’re basing this on is even remotely sound when it can be made to fit your gloating needs at a given moment, right?

So, really, STFU both of you. If you think one unseasonably warm or cool day or week or even season totally validates your insistance that global warming is a real threat or just something Al Gore made up, then you don’t have any damn clue what you’re talking about on this issue.

And, just saying… regardless of the truth of global warming… it’s hardly the only reason to be worrying about air pollution.

Now for a gestational, abortive edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Let’s say you hear a news story, something like this: A man beats his pregnant girlfriend to death because she did not want to have an abortion. Or the perpetrator may not be a boyfriend but a husband or one of her parents or whoever. May not have beaten her to death but raped her or injured her severely in some other way.

And who should shut the hell up? These fucking idiot prolifers who point to this horrible shit and say “see! see! pro-choice people commit violence, too!” Often times the headlines of these articles will identify the assailant as pro-choice or pro-abortion (which a lot of idiots think is just another word for pro-choice, which is bullshit, but more on that in a sec).

*facepalm*
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Now for a half-gone, half-replenished edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

No, you can NOT tell whether someone is an optimist or a pessimist or anything like that merely because of whether they say “half full” or “half empty”. I know, I know, you want to look all smart and insightful, to make whomever you’re saying this to start to see you as wise or some shit. I don’t know.

In any case, cut the crap. It means nothing. You sound stupid saying it. It’s mind-numblingly cliché.

To begin yet another December Entry-a-Day Blogathon here on Sure, Why Not?, here’s a resentful, unforgiving edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

These anti-Semitic assholes who refer to the Jews as a whole as “Christ killers”. Drives me up the damn wall. They are so-called Christian assholes who hate Jews and want to excuse this feeling as justified because “oh noes, they killed Jesus!” Never mind that Jesus himself was Jewish, as were his mother and disciples! Never mind that it was the Romans who had at least as much a hand in the crucifixion as the Jews did, yet I don’t see anyone referring to Italians as Christ killers.

Of course, feels pointless to say that this is irrational. That’s a given. All hate is irrational.
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Now for tubby, chubby edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I’m so fucking sick of hearing about childhood obesity everywhere I look. It’s all “oh noes, kids are fat, kids are unhealthy, aaahhh!”

Alright, some of them might be above a healthy weight. So what do you do about it? Maybe they go play in the park a little longer. Maybe they eat some healthier foods. In any case, maybe the adults so involved with these kids’ lives should give the kids healthier options if they aren’t already. Maybe help them (and set an example by doing it themselves) develop healthier habits in general.

Of course, since when do adults actually take personal responsibility for helping young people do better? In ways other than finger pointing and berating the youth, that is. That’s right, they don’t, so they blame everything else they can. So the blame gets put on what mascots fast food chains are using or even, stupidly enough, whether the cartoons they’re watching depict fat characters! (Not to mention the slimming down of Santas I mentioned a couple years ago.)
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And now, for a slim and slender edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

People who say shit like “OMG, look at you, you’re so skinny!” Sounding like they’re jealous. Sounding like they’re cheering for you. Sounding like both. They’re so sure they just made your day! After all, so long as you’re as skinny as humanly possible, your feminine life is a success.

Except it’s seriously fucking annoying! Hell, my sister even takes offense to that, finding it no different from commenting on how fat someone is, not to mention that being skinny often isn’t a matter of proper dieting or whatever to maintain an acceptable appearance but often a sign of sickness or being underweight (that’s right, folks, that’s a real thing!) when you’re trying to get UP to a healthy weight.
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Now for an idle, judgmental edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

People who use the profoundly asinine phrase “You have way too much time on your hands” or any variation thereof. It always crops up when someone demonstrates any amount of knowledge or not-so-important accomplishment that would require a lot of time devoted to it, or would at least seem like it. The knowledge or accomplishment may or may not be something trivial, or maybe just something the other person doesn’t like or understand. Usually it’s when someone thinks hard about something that in the grand scheme of things may seem unimportant.
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Now for another screaming, yelling edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

This time, I’m talking to the asswipes who think it’s so clever and funny to complain that “oh noes, I’m out in public and I hear a little kid crying, parents need to control their kids!” Next person who says that is getting stabbed in the face (or banned from the forums, LOL).

A couple weeks ago, I was out with my mom and my five-year-old brother. I had to go with them to the zoo because my mom is a severe metro n00b, and the type of n00b who thinks she’s an expert which only makes it so much worse, so for their own good, I went with them and had to practically hold her hand through paying the fare and getting the tickets and pointing her to the right stations to go to. Seriously, look at this map, and considering we were going from Twinbrook to Cleveland Park, which as you can see involves no transfers or anything, it’s all that much sadder.
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Now for a monolingual, patriotic edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

What in the hell is with these people who always scream and cry that, oh noes, somebody who is currently in the United States is speaking in a language (gasp!) that is not English? How dare they! This is an English speaking country and must stay that way. And the very good reason for this is… we say so. Yee haw!

Sigh. Here we go again. A bunch of so-called proud Americans have sewn an infallible fabric based entirely on how they were raised by their ignorant families and have decided that and only that is the proper way for all Americans to live and think. The basis for this belief, of course, is just simply that’s how they specifically were raised, and it must have been important because their parents beat the shit out of them if they so much as uttered a word contrary to these beliefs, so all others must obey these rules as well because, shit, their parents couldn’t possibly be wrong, could they? (Another example of how youth rights is always somehow present in just about any situation.)

Of course, I’m speculating, but that’s all I have to go by since I just really don’t understand how anyone can feel so threatened by the presence of non-English speaking people. Perhaps just general fear of anything different from oneself or at least what one is used to, just like the people who fight tooth and nail to maintain Christianity’s dominance, in that it makes no sense in the grand scheme of things but they do it because it is what is familiar and comfortable to them and thus must be enforced. Or perhaps it’s also the irrational fear that if English is not the only acceptable language, then it will be phased out completely and they’ll be forced to speak something else. Which, of course, is pure paranoid bullshit.
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I think I’ll join them in that…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Seriously, Jack Thompson, put a fucking sock in it already.

For anyone who needs the reminder, Jack Thompson is the disbarred (LOL) attorney who always has a bug up his ass about video games and anything else with content that he finds offensive. Not unlike the idiots in Wisconsin I talked about last week, he isn’t content just letting shit be and turning his attention to things that offend him less (as opposed to not offending him at all, in which case I’m not sure any such thing exists). No, no, he has to save the world from things that offend him. Is there a sizable number of people to whom these things are not offensive, perhaps enjoyable? Well, screw them, because it’s Jack’s feelings about it that matter, no one else’s.

If you need any more proof to his batshit insanity, even Utah is telling him to STFU. And because of that, he’s threatening to sue the State of Utah. Let’s see.
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Now for an industrial, career-oriented session of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

It’s a cute little bit of “advice” often given: find a career you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. It’s often told to young people to encourage them to choose enjoyable careers. And, like most things commonly told to youth, it’s utter bullcrap.

Doing something for money has a strange effect on you, no matter how much you might normally enjoy that something. It still becomes work. Your job could be testing water slides and shooting off fireworks and eating ice cream, but everyday you’d still be grudgingly getting up to go all like “ugh, another day, got to go down another damn water slide and shoot off another damn firework and if I see one more spoon of ice cream, I’ll puke”.
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Now, for a caffeinated, beany version of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Someone shoot whoever made those asstarded Dunkin’ Donuts ads with all the idiots looking at what they’re implying is the Starbucks menu with a bunch of weird sounding names, and acting like they can’t understand what it’s saying. “Lulz, is it French or is it Italian… or perhaps Fritalian?”

First of all, it’s Italian, morons. I don’t know where you’re getting French from.
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And now, for a relieving, bathroom edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

OMFG! Shut your goddamn traps already, men AND women, about the stupid toilet seat argument. Chicks complaining it gets left up. Guys complaining about the chicks complaining.

New guest rant over on SnipeMe just got me thinking about this. Why do so many people find this worth their time to worry about?

Want to know what it is? It’s no different from any other household issue where something is not closed after being used or otherwise returned to how it was before use. Like if someone left a cabinet open after getting a cup.
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Now for a gravelly voiced, new year edition of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Will people quit complaining about Dick Clark still appearing on the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve thing? I’ve heard several different people who keep whining that “oh no, why are they making him still do it when he’s had that stroke and he’s all messed up?”

You know, it’s not like he was having a stroke WHILE he was on the air. He had the stroke several years ago, and it has since affected his speech. So his voice is gravelly now. So what? If the man wants to keep doing the show he’s done forever, let him. Does his speech insult you somehow? That’s your own problem. The man had a stroke and is still finding a way to get on the show and speak, even if not like before, even if for only a little bit.

Disabilities bother you? Tough! You remind me of the idiots in the Timmy 2000 episode of South Park, where everyone thought Timmy the handicapped kid should be kept out of sight and protected because everyone would just laugh at him. Screw that. Same with this. Everyone thinks they’re being some caring protector by thinking Dick Clark should stop trying to do the show, when really it’s just the messed up speech bothering them. Well, get over it. People have strokes or other medical issues, and sometimes speech gets affected and they don’t talk as well as before. It’s part of life and, frankly, it’s pretty damn great the New Year’s Eve show is still using him in spite of it. So quit your blubbering, assjob.

Now, for a knocked-up, scandalous version of…

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Okay, so the media and commentators have been shitting themselves over Britney Spears’s 16-year-old sister being pregnant. We all know that a teenager being pregnant is like the worst sin in the world for some reason, but now it’s all over the asstarded celebrity news. For that reason, I’d leave it alone, but then again, kind of a youth rights issue, so I have to chime in.
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