SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I’m so fucking sick of hearing about childhood obesity everywhere I look. It’s all “oh noes, kids are fat, kids are unhealthy, aaahhh!”

Alright, some of them might be above a healthy weight. So what do you do about it? Maybe they go play in the park a little longer. Maybe they eat some healthier foods. In any case, maybe the adults so involved with these kids’ lives should give the kids healthier options if they aren’t already. Maybe help them (and set an example by doing it themselves) develop healthier habits in general.

Of course, since when do adults actually take personal responsibility for helping young people do better? In ways other than finger pointing and berating the youth, that is. That’s right, they don’t, so they blame everything else they can. So the blame gets put on what mascots fast food chains are using or even, stupidly enough, whether the cartoons they’re watching depict fat characters! (Not to mention the slimming down of Santas I mentioned a couple years ago.)

Now there are so many ways to go here. One could be, as Matt so awesomely pointed out a couple weeks ago, rapidly diminishing activities available for kids, on top of too short lunch breaks to eat disgusting food, and, as Alex mentioned in the comments there, the cutting back or elimination of recess. So, basically, adults are doing everything they can to keep kids in a lifestyle that makes them unhealthy, and they blame THEM for it!

Or they make this yet another opportunity to attack kids’ choices of entertainment, constantly picking on the characters they like or the video games they play. As if a character having the tiniest bit of potbelly is as bad as the character is smoking. Hey, idiotic adult “logic” says kids will want to smoke if a cartoon is doing it, so it totally means a kid will want to get fat if a cartoon is doing it, right? Because being fat is totally a specific activity as opposed to just how your body looks.

Or there’s the thing about wanting to ban Ronald McDonald or stop airing fast food ads early in the day. Because this makes kids want unhealthy food. You know, if the kids are young enough for something like Ronald McDonald to appeal to them, then they’re young enough that they aren’t exactly going out and buying the Happy Meals themselves. Instead, some ADULT is buying it for them. People are worried about advertising these things to kids, but kids aren’t even the ones making the purchase. Take away the ads, and they’ll still wind up with a Happy Meal because their parents got a craving for Big Macs. And McDonalds is sort of everywhere (I can think of at least five within a couple miles of me), so it’s not like kids would be unaware it exists even if the ads went away.

Not to mention that whether the ads or clown are there, that does nothing about the parents that feed fast food to their kids on a daily basis, whether or not they themselves eat it. Why? Because they’re so afraid if they give kids anything else, they won’t eat. Which ends up a self-fulfilling prophecy, because when that’s all the kids are given, it will be all they’ll eat, since anything else would be foreign to them. Part of the stupid fucking myth that burgers, fries, hot dogs, and pizza are all kids will eat, that they’d rather die than eat a vegetable. Which, if I may go on a tangent for a moment, I always found insulting when I was a kid. The TV shows and ads had kid characters who hated or complained about vegetables, usually broccoli or brussels sprouts, as if this was supposed to appeal to me. It didn’t. I’ve always liked vegetables. And I resented these adult-created media aimed at kids always deciding for me that, as a kid, these are the foods I’m supposed to like and not like.

In fact, that’s part of this, too. Many McDonalds ads aimed at kids. Certain cereals aimed at kids. Kids’ menus containing only unhealthy options. Adults have created an unhealthy culinary culture for kids, telling them that, as kids, these are the sort of foods that are for them. I mean, just stroll down the cereal aisle. The less healthy more sugary cereals are the ones advertised for kids, and the healthier, ultra fortified ones are aimed at adults. Local grocery store used to even label the different sections of the aisle “Kids Cereals” and “Adult Cereals”. Which doesn’t make a lick of sense. Until Crispix comes with a free bottle of Jack Daniels and a Hustler, then you can tell me it’s an adult cereal, but lacking that, I think it’s just food. So, basically, in the ever so pointless division of which foods are for adults and which are for kids, it is kids that get left with and encouraged to eat exclusively the ultra sugary high fat crap. And the adults are blaming the fucking kids for it!

I’m not saying any foods need to be hidden or banned. Well beside the point. But when you give someone a powdered donut, and they eat the donut, don’t call them a pig for eating a donut.

And, of course, there’s one more interesting question here. Why this? Why the concern over childhood obesity at all? I mean, for one, adults have waaaay higher obesity rates than kids. And even some of the people of all ages who get called fat or obese really aren’t all that big. Yet why is kids’ body image suddenly everyone’s concern? Well, there’s of course the fact of an ageist society that kids are considered public property. But there are so many other things out there harming kids. Diabetes. Muscular dystrophy. Cancer. Hell, even tooth decay, which would give insecure adults yet another reason to attack kids’ eating habits (their diet consisting entirely of foods those adults gave them, of course). Why obesity? Well, answer is obvious. You can see it. Literally. Obesity means kids’ appearances aren’t what adults think they should be. So, really, while there are still the health concerns, sure, this all still comes down to child objectification. Fat kids aren’t pleasing to the public eye, so they must be ridiculed and shamed, all under the guise of encouraging good health. Yeah, that’s totally how you make people healthy. Not through assistance with creating a healthier lifestyle, or anything that’s actually respectful. Instead, insult the hell out of them and make them hate themselves. And wonder why they develop eating disorders later. I want to punch you assholes in the face so much.

And, honestly, any adult who thinks kids should be eye candy should instead be expecting an invitation from Chris Hansen to have a seat.

This has been Day 29 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 10.

My dad is an asshole and so is yours.

Alright, maaaybe there are some who aren’t assholes, but that’s a pretty big leap of faith.

I’ve made a total of three anti-Mother’s Day entries yet no anti-Father’s Day ones. The main reason for it has been laziness, that when it rolled around I never got around to getting an entry put together. One might think it’s because I hate Mother’s Day more, but that’s not the case at all.

There’s an important difference between the days, and therefore in my view of them. I mentioned Mother’s Day has this idea that it is still 1955, that motherhood consists entirely of endless housework and being annoyingly overemotional, and that we should be celebrating this idea. That it’s mom who deals with every little thing about the kids and knows everything about them.

Father’s Day, and the traditional view of fatherhood, however, goes totally a different direction. Dads aren’t supposed to be involved with or to know anything about their kids at all. What’s their job? Grilling steaks. Maybe fixing cars. Oh, and if you’re a boy, teaching you to shave.

In my experience, yeah, dad was the one who did the grilling and the car stuff. But actual interaction with him has pretty much always ever been superficial, mostly quoting The Simpsons or comiserating about the Redskins. Beyond that, well, I grew up terrified of my dad. He had a major temper and drank all the damn time. He’s still like that. He always insulted us and had no real interest in anything about us. In general, he’s a spineless weakling when it comes to dealing with people, and as such gets walked on by everyone, never sticks up for himself, and sure enough, my sister and I had to suffer for it, since, well, that’s what happens when you’re unfortunate enough to be the ones someone like that actually does have authority over.

I could go on, but I don’t want to write it any more than you want to read it. This is far from the sort of stuff that I’d want to sit here today and act like is so wonderful. Yet at the same time, what I went through was fairly mild compared to very very many. I know a girl who was treated brutally by her dad. She’s well into her 20’s now, and what’s her relationship with her dad? Does she speak to him? Uh, yes, yes she does. She sees him. They do stuff. As if there was never anything bad beforehand at all. And that’s even with her knowing full well she was abused, as opposed to the sickening many who refuse to see what their parents did to them as abusive at all.

While obviously I don’t know what all she did to maybe resolve these issues, I find the readiness to forgive parents for mistreatment to be very bothersome. Is there anybody else who could physically assault you for nearly two decades of your life, that you would readily forgive and decide that having a good relationship with them is more important than acknowledging that they had no respect for your bodily autonomy? That it’s always excused with “that’s how they were taught children were raised”. Which is the lamest, stupidest fucking excuse ever.

And that’s another little traditional stereotypical thing about dads. That when the kids are misbehaving (which usually just means having more fun than adults are comfortable with), it’s the dads that must come in with the force, the coercion, the booming yelling. Because apparently, part of being a man is attacking people a quarter of your size. And that, along with grilling some chicken, changing the oil, and building a bookcase, is what Father’s Day is all about celebrating.

Now for the dads who don’t follow that stereotype, who actually are involved with the kids on a more real personal level, have patience, have trust, hey, that’s good. You aren’t the aforementioned asshole dads.

Yet Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, doesn’t really care whether any specific parents have truly earned that title, whether they’ve used that position for good or evil. Just celebrates all of them. Which, honestly, is irresponsible and dangerous. Don’t tell me I have to honor my dad today. If you want to honor your own dad, that’s your business. But my dad’s an asshole, I’m not calling or visiting him today, and I’m certainly not interested in your judgmental gasping at this, thinking this makes me a bad person. Fuck him and fuck you too.

This has been Day 28 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 10.

Oh, what, you think because you can see the road pretty well you don’t need to turn them on? If it’s a bright sunny day, sure. Oh, but you think that even though it’s dawn or dusk and it’s not very light out, you can still see the road alright? Maybe so. Oh, you can still see the road alright even though it’s overcast? Perhaps you can.

Just one problem. Headlights exist for two reasons. Sure, you may figure you don’t have to be bothered to turn them on if magnificent you can see the road. But you still need them on, because, what you fail to comprehend… nobody else can see YOU!

So don’t bitch if someone from the other direction making a left turn in front of you may do it without leaving you ample room. Because, chances are, that driver did not even see you approaching! You’re lucky it was only a close-call, dumbass. And the myriad of other situations on the road where it’s helpful for the preservation of one’s life to be able to, you know, see the other cars. If I get into an accident because I can’t see one of you assholes trying to preserve your headlights or whatever, I’m going to punch you in the face. And, hey, I just might find a blunt object and break your precious headlights!

So turn on the headlights, jerkass!

What happened to Hope Witsell

Go read that.

Pretty sad, huh? Thirteen-year-old Hope Witsell sent a boy a topless pic of herself (OMG sexting! aahhh!) and all the adults in her life go out of their way to make her life miserable over it, shaming her, convincing her she’s soiled and forever ruined… and they have the goddamn NERVE to wonder why she ended up killing herself!

Really? You assholes really don’t see why this happened? Not only that, but you do blame something. You blame… HER! You blame HER and this supposed “epidemic” of teen “sexting” and acting like THAT just claimed another victim without taking the slightest bit of responsibility for making damn SURE she felt suicidal ashamed over it.

Especially her stupid fucking parents. Awww, they’re all sad they lost their little girl? It’s THEIR fault! Why are they so sad? She just did what THEY wanted to do anyway but couldn’t because we don’t live in a country where honor killings are legal. Aren’t you just such great “tough love” parents? You showed her. Took away her internet access and phone and grounded her for the summer. How dare she shame your “good” church-going family? Take away everything that brings her the slightest bit of joy and convince her that her life is forever ruined. You assholes did everything BUT tie the noose around her neck!

Seriously, don’t play this whole “oh noes, sexting killed our daughter” shitty game. You’re the ones who CHOSE to make her life miserable over it, when if you had just let her be, she’d still be alive, you dumb fucking asshats! And why did you do it? To show you’re such great responsible parents? Yeah, great going.

The real reason? Well, I touched on it already with the honor killing mention. It makes YOU look bad. You feel like her behaving in a “sexual” way reflects badly on you. That’s why you have no business being sad about her death, because it’s exactly what you wanted. She’s no longer around to shame your family. Congrats.

And why does it shame you to begin with? She’s an individual person and it is HER body. What she does has no bearing whatsoever on YOU. It’s not her responsibility to preserve HER OWN body or virginity or whatever just to protect your shitty honor. The status of a girl’s private parts are not her parents’ or anyone else’s business. It is HERS and HERS alone. Jump the hell off her, you controlling perverts.

Because, as it says on one of the bumper stickers I made for NYRA…

SHE’S YOUR DAUGHTER, NOT YOUR PROPERTY!

I know right now we’re all thinking of the same spat. Microsoft vs. Mac. The “I’m a PC” crap versus the “I’m a Mac” crap. The Mac ads with the conversation with the “hip, young Mac” against the “old stuffy PC”, so they’re at least mildly ageist. And the PC ads all like “Macs are expensive and shitty, lulz”. Goddamn, STFU both of you.

It’s bad enough our entertainment is being interrupted to view these things, but they also are mindnumbing.

There are others. The epic battle between Comcast and Verizon FiOS. Our picture is better! No, our picture is better! Our customer service is better! No, our customer service is better! You know, here’s a thought. Having used both of you, I can honestly say you both suck slimy elephant ass, so maybe with all the energy you put into your little televised spat you could actually improve your product and technology and customer service. What an idea!

Verizon versus AT&T? I’ve also used both of them and they both suck ass. Hey, Verizon, your big fancy map is impressive, but you still drop calls all the time and my phone was useless when I was in England three months ago. And AT&T, all those post cards are impressive, but how’s about some customer service?

And some really annoying ones from a while ago… Campbells versus Progresso. The Progresso ads were all like “durr, I used to eat that condensed crap, but then I grew up!” Yay, ageism! Then the Campbells ads came back with “well how come your grown up soup doesn’t have all these fancy ingredients?” Of course, it was two entirely different kinds of Campbells soup in the two ads. Then again, when Progresso’s only argument against their condensed soup is the age of the eater, then Campbells can’t really dignify it with a response. More recently, though, they were running more ads about how Campbells select uses organic ingredients and low sodium, as opposed to Progresso just tasting like liquefied MSG. Just one problem. The vast majority of Campbells soup contains MSG and non-organic ingredients. So when they talk about how bad those ingredients are in trying to cut down Progresso, they’re also shooting down most of their own product.

Ads like these are probably the sole reason people switch to TiVo.

YOU SUCK!!!!

I’ve griped about certain Christmas songs many times before, and will surely continue to do so even long after I’m dead. So here’s another whose creator I’d like to throw screaming into the middle of the ocean.

This song is “Grown Up Christmas List”. Just the title threw up some red flags to die-hard pro-youth me. Then at some point I actually heard the song and listened to the lyrics. Yup, I’d say those red flags are quite warranted.

Basically, the song is about someone asking Santa for wars to never start, for everyone to have a friend, for love to never end. Hmmm… that sounds very nice actually. I can get on board with that. It’s a very nice song.

However! One little problem which completely ruins it and makes it not the lovely song it could be but downright objectionable. Remember that title? Yeah, the idea is that this person is asking Santa for all these nice things, as opposed asking for toys or other material things. In other words, material items are things kids ask for, but adults want nicer things like peace and love and whatnot. Because, naturally, kids are inherently selfish and just want lots of toys.

Oh, boy, yet another example of yuletide hatred of children.

Go fuck yourself with a crucifix, Amy Grant.

Taser gun used on 10-year-old girl who ‘refused to take shower’

The officer had been called to the girl’s home in Ozark, Arkansas, by her mother because she was behaving in an unruly manner and refusing to take a shower.

In a report on the incident the officer, Dustin Bradshaw, said the mother gave him permission to use the Taser.

When he arrived, the girl was curled up on the floor, screaming, and resisting as her mother tried to get her in the shower before bed.

“Her mother told me to take her if I needed to,” the officer wrote.

The child was “violently kicking and verbally combative” when he tried to take her into custody and she kicked him in the groin.

He then delivered “a very brief drive stun to her back,” the report said.

The girl’s father, Anthony Medlock, who is divorced from her mother, said the girl showed signs of emotional problems but did not deserve to be “treated like an animal”.

He said: “Ten years old and they shot electricity through her body, and I want to know how the heck in God’s green earth can they get away with this.

“If you can’t pick the kid up and take her to your car, handcuff her, then I don’t think you need to be an officer. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like a dog. She’s not a tiger.” Local Mayor Vernon McDaniel said the FBI should investigate.

He said: “People here feel like that he made a mistake in using a Taser, and maybe he did, but we will not know until we get an impartial investigation.” The local Police Chief Jim Noggle said no disciplinary action was taken against Bradshaw.

“We didn’t use the Taser to punish the child, just to bring the child under control so she wouldn’t hurt herself or somebody else,” he said.

He said if the officer tried to forcefully put the girl in handcuffs, he could have accidentally broken her arm or leg.

Mr Noggle said the girl will face disorderly conduct charges as a juvenile.

A little girl was violently electrocuted by a police officer, at her idiot mother’s consent, because she didn’t want to take a shower and was upset at being forced to.

Come here, Officer Bradshaw. You too, girl’s mother. Look at this trough full of water I have here. Lovely, isn’t it?

*grabs their heads, holds them underwater*

You LIKE that, you fucking assholes?! Like being forced into water?!

*ties them down so heads are still underwater as they thrash around desperately*

Like electricity, too? Well, have some goddamn toast!

*throws plugged-in toaster into water, the two are being electrocuted and drowning at the same time*

This is still too good for degenerate monsters like yourselves! Hope Satan has fun raping you with flaming pitchforks! Because even all that is too lenient for anyone, ANYONE, who tortures a child.

Why? Why in the fucking HELL does this shit keep happening? A depressing part of being a youth rights supporter is consistently hearing the most horrifying news about parents, police officers, school officials, and others using outrageous force and torture on kids for the tiniest reasons. Whether it is little kids getting tasered or school security guards beating up special ed students for not tucking their shirts in, it’s just a stark sobering reminder of just how deeply our world hates children. They make up the weakest excuses for the obvious pleasure they get out of hurting these young people, because we live in a fucked up world where everyone is continually taught the dangerous message that kids are inferior beings and always bad and you can do whatever you want to them. And, what is at the same time even more depressing yet with a hint of hope, this is all still better than it used to be.

But, seriously, even after the above scenario, it’s hard to describe how much more ways I want to mutilate anyone who harms a child. Perhaps in the above also employ some pickaxes somehow.

I do sort of wonder why the little girl was so upset to begin with, something people seemed to not give a shit about asking. Okay, she didn’t want to take a shower, but you think maybe there’s more to it than that? Does her mother molest her during showers or something? True, it’s not unusual for a little kid to get that upset and throwing a tantrum even if it is just an ordinary shower. But then again, so what if she doesn’t want to take a shower? How long had it been since her last one? The little girl was still being forced to do something she didn’t want to do, and that sort of thing tends to make people of any age lash out violently. But, goodness, who gives a shit what the little girl has to go through? It’s not like she’s human or anything. What’s more important is that she’s disobeying for mother and for that she must be tasered and fucking arrested. How many people get arrested for getting angry and throwing a tantrum in their own homes? Funny, if this is the sort of thing this mother does to deal with her daughter’s behavior, there’s probably other horrible shit going on that she does to the girl, that would have gotten the little girl also tased and arrested had it been the other way around. Oh, but this is all for the benefit of children, right?

Also, to answer one issue I know will come up. The “youth rights supporters” who might think this sort of thing is fine since “the same would be done to an adult” and that this is somehow the more youth rightsy outcome. Don’t be fucking stupid. Youth rights does NOT mean that kids would be treated exactly the same as adults. There are inherent differences between kids and adults that do call for different approaches to be taken when dealing with members of each group. Youth rights is certainly about changing dramatically how those differences are dealt with and choosing when something is and isn’t appropriate, but it’s not about throwing out that system entirely, as such would be impractical, impossible, and would open youth up to much more harm. So STFU with that or you get to join the two frying drowning bitches.

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

This time, I’m talking to the asswipes who think it’s so clever and funny to complain that “oh noes, I’m out in public and I hear a little kid crying, parents need to control their kids!” Next person who says that is getting stabbed in the face (or banned from the forums, LOL).

A couple weeks ago, I was out with my mom and my five-year-old brother. I had to go with them to the zoo because my mom is a severe metro n00b, and the type of n00b who thinks she’s an expert which only makes it so much worse, so for their own good, I went with them and had to practically hold her hand through paying the fare and getting the tickets and pointing her to the right stations to go to. Seriously, look at this map, and considering we were going from Twinbrook to Cleveland Park, which as you can see involves no transfers or anything, it’s all that much sadder.

But I digress. After the zoo, we stopped at a small restaurant and ate dinner. My brother of course was talking non-stop and giggling (a little boy seeing zoo animals taking a shit will provide months and months of retelling!) and after a while was tired of eating his food and got up and went wandering around the restaurant. Small place, so he was never out of sight or anything, and there were only like three or four tables and only one other one was even occupied. While the people at the other table never said anything, it was a little obvious they were annoyed that he was there. My mom and I tried asking him to come back and sit down, but he didn’t want to, and he wasn’t hurting anything or even being noisy. He was just there. So we just sort of giggled along with him and left him alone for the most part. I mean, why not?

Yet to many insecure jerkoffs out there, the act that my mom and I committed, of deciding to leave this little boy alone as he *gasp* walked benignly around this small mostly empty restaurant, was an unforgivable mortal sin. She even told me that there were other times she was at a restaurant with him and there were people loudly complaining about his mere presence, saying kids shouldn’t be allowed in the restaurant and that parents need to control their kids better. People think they’re so unique and brave to be speaking up about this “problem”. More accurately, they think they’re so privileged and elite that they ought to be offended that they should be expected to share a, you know, universe with those horrid inferior (by virtue of, oh, a later date of birth) beings called children. You know, given the choice between a five-year-old boy walking around a public place quietly and minding his own business and some stick-up-his-ass 40-something whining like a bitch that the five-year-old boy is there, gee, I wonder which one is being an immature brat and should STFU!

Listen here, you child-hating fuckwad. You are not in any way entitled wander through life without having to occasionally be near children, or any other group you may dislike for that matter. Oh, some mom has brought her toddler into a bookstore with her and it annoys you to see the little one picking up books and looking at them? That’s YOUR own stupid bigoted problem, asstard! Don’t sit there and act like the mom or the little kid have done anything wrong when YOU are the one with the serious issue here. Don’t like it? Then YOU leave the store and stop acting like children are supposed to be wrapped in straight jackets or hidden from society all the time. You are NOT superior to them. In fact, seeing as you’re the one wishing they’d go away because they’re short and can’t talk or move quite as well as they will later, while the little one is barely even noticing you’re there and certainly not holding any irrational hateful grudges, I think you just slid a few notches down from the one who hate so much.

And it’s always with the excuses and, in the case of the so-called “youth rights supporters” who claim to feel this way (the quotes are because real youth rights supporters don’t hate little kids), there’s always the claims that it’s not ageist bigotry, and that they’d be just as annoyed if an adult were behaving just like the kid. Oh yeah? Adults pick up books at bookstores all the time, just like the little kid you were hating on just a bit ago, and oftentimes leave the books in worse shape than the little kid might have. What if it were a mentally disabled adult, of the sort who pretty much has the mind of a five-year-old, though an adult body? Still hating, you dumbfuck? Then there are the claims that children are inherently disgusting, that they cough and sneeze and fart and stuff. Yeah, adults totally never do those things. Yeah, you’re worried the little kid in the grocery store might touch your cart, and you have nightmares about the mere idea, without a tiniest realization that the guy bagging your groceries just jerked off five minutes ago and knows perfectly well that the Employees Must Wash Hands sign is just that, a sign, and not a cop.

And what’s with being so pissed that little kids are crying? I feel bad when I hear a kid crying, too, but the feeling is because I’m wondering who or what has made him so upset to begin with and wishing he’d feel better from whatever it is. You, on the other hand, give no thought whatsoever to why he’s crying and merely wish to stuff something into his mouth and hopefully knock him unconscious. And, again, you’re supposedly the mature one?

Now I’m not saying the little things small children do now and then can’t get on anyone’s nerves after a bit. But that’s not what this is. You people aren’t getting annoyed because an individual toddler is screaming really loudly near you or anything. You internalize it, even the things that really aren’t all that annoying. This child’s mere existence, and any action she takes that reminds you of her existence, is a deep personal insult to you. She could be sitting at her table with her family and giggling at something, and the hatred inside you will boil and you will wish she was not there, because how dare she, an inferior being (by your own stuck up standards), exist in the same place as you, who’s superior for some reason? You will wish the parents would put a muzzle on her and lead her away from you on a leash, like the dog you are certain she is, because it’s not like she’s human because that would make her the same species as you! Oh noes! Can’t have that! Goodness, you’re all growed up, and you don’t have to stand for being forced to be in the same place as a child anymore, so like the mature superior responsible adult you are, you’ll scream and cry that the little kid is bothering you by being in the same place, whether a restaurant or store or airplane or wherever, and shame her and her parents away, like they are shamed away from many places by your anti-child ilk, by being called bad irresponsible parents and told they should beat the shit out of their little ones for speaking in a public place. Yeah, because child-haters are really the best people to be consulting for parenting advice.

So, yeah, if I’m with my little brother in a restaurant, and he gets up and walks around quietly and minding his own business, and you decide it’s your divine duty to give me or him shit about it, then get ready for me to go all Defensive Big Sister^TM on your stupid ass. Or if I ever actually reproduce some day and the same happens with my kid, I’ll go all Defensive Mother^TM on your stupid ass. And these aren’t just the ordinary defensive modes but the youth rights versions, so you just know that when I’m through with you, your lunch will have entered your body through more orifices than just your skanky mouth.

Go ahead. Call me irresponsible for not subjecting my little brother to pointless cruel restrictions just because your adult ego and privilege take precedence over his bodily autonomy. Call him a spoiled brat. Call me “too lenient”. I fucking dare you.

This has been Day 95 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 9.

I mean, I don’t think anyone would mind, seeing as he’s a terrible actor and only appears in shitty remakes, which all seem to come with even shittier sequels. Remake of Father of the Bride (followed by a shitty sequel). Remake of Cheaper by the Dozen (followed by a shitty sequel). Remake of The Pink Panther (followed by a shitty sequel).

Oh, oh, he’s trying to do a really bad French accent, and with that really bad French accent he’s trying to say “hamburger”. It’s not funny or clever. It’s fucking retarded. And for every time that retarded movie gets advertised, Steve Martin should be raped up the ass with a dildo infected with AIDS and herpes, then have it shoved so far down his throat it comes out his ass.

Except this time, there didn’t seem to be any.

*facepalm*

You know, I like totally got hooked on this stuff when it came out in the summer of 2002. Like regular Coke but with a bit of vanilla yumminess. Then 2005 ended and it disappeared from the shelves.

But not long later it returned. Yay! I was happy again.

And now it seems to be gone again.

Goddamn it, Coca Cola, stop jerking me around. It’s bad enough you don’t sell Five Alive in this country anymore and I’d have to go all the fucking way to Canada to get some. Then you’ve got this yo-yo act with Vanilla Coke. You fucking suck!