Sure, Why Not?

I hereby decree…

The live bar performer will play Margaritaville.

Without exception, without fail. Or no, very much with fail. This song is way overplayed. Some loser with a guitar who got fortunate enough for some Saturday night bar gig where he’ll spend the evening badly covering various popular songs will soon enough stumble upon this Jimmy Buffett ballad.

People eat it up, as they often do with the most tiresome, clichè acts. “ZOMG, awesome, he’s playing Margaritaville while we’re in a bar, he’s liek sooo kewl!”

What other gems shall we hear? “Closing Time” perhaps? Maybe even “Tub Thumpin’”. Or, perhaps not, those are too recent. Still bar songs. Even if played, not the least bit creative, but with Margaritaville, shit, song’s old so everybody knows it and you don’t piss off the older bar goers who want to pretend the year 1980 has not yet come.

All I wanted was to go to a restaurant on some evening, but in the restaurant’s bar they have some gay ass live band or whatever. Margaritaville will be played. That train is never late. I mean, the song stops being clever after the second or third time you hear it, if it ever was. Playing it over and over just speeds up the brain damage the bar people are already on the verge of with their copious alcohol consumption. Ugh.

(Speaking of retardedness, prepare yourself for like 500 comments all saying “ZOMG, finally, a new entry!”)

This has been Day 45 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 8.

I hereby decree…

Open it in a new window!

Holy crap, I haven’t written an entry in a while! Oh, well, here’s a new one. Be happy.

You know what pisses me off? Sometimes there’s a program on your computer that for some reason or another needs to go to a webpage. Perhaps to download an upgrade. Whatever.

Oh, did I mention you already had your browser open because you were in the middle of reading a page on the Fortress and admiring its awesomeness? Yeah.

So you click the link in the program to bring up a browser window with the page it must visit. But you see no new browser window. You are confused.

And then you realize.

The stupid program made the page open IN THE BROWSER WINDOW YOU ALREADY HAD OPEN!

What the shit?!

What the hell is the purpose of that?! No, don’t open in a new window in a nice unobtrusive way, a way that doesn’t interrupt anything you might already have going. Just move the page you’re already on into the other page.

Go die in a fire.

I hereby decree…

Don’t vote for Mitt Romney!

So what’s my problem with him? He’s a Republican? Don’t care about that. He’s a Mormon? REALLY don’t care about that. He’s against medical marijuana? Pfft, not a priority for me. So what’s so wrong with him?

The man who has been his biggest fundraiser until recently? Robert Lichfield. Do you know who that is? Go to a search engine and look up the name, and see what you find. If you don’t feel like doing that, then he’s the man in charge of an organization called WWASPS, which is a collection of many “schools” and “camps” around the country where “troubled” teens are sent to be straightened out.
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I hereby decree…

Supporters of school uniforms are closet pedophiles.

I’ve been thinking about the issue of school uniforms earlier. Then I realized something. What kind of perverted jackass supports them? You hear the same old excuses they pull out of their asses about wanting students to be more equal, so the poor kids wouldn’t feel like they have shabby clothes while the rich kids have nice expensive clothes. That’s about all they come up with and they convince themselves over and over that it is a bullet proof argument, despite the very many factual errors. Such as schools with uniforms typically requiring uniform fees, for one.

No, they support it because they enjoy the idea of young kids being dressed in clothes they like to see them in. You just know these perverted old assholes are getting off at the thought of ten-year-old school girls in a little plaid skirt. They believe children are not people, but little beings for them to control for their own personal pleasure. So what do they do? They want to dress up the little “dolls” for their own gratification, in little outfits of their choosing.

Funny how the people most vocal about perverts on the internet will wholeheartedly support school uniforms. Talk about missing an obvious haven of pedophiles. Then again, protecting children in that sense is hardly their biggest priority.

And you people think those in charge really see children as innocent beings. You are quite fooled.

I hereby decree…

Snow is awesome!

You might recall I wrote a rant nearly three years ago essentially stating that Snow Rules. I love snow. I always have. Yet everyone thinks I’m crazy because they hate snow because it is an inconvenience.
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I hereby decree…

Don’t shop today, idiot!

Seriously. Why are you shopping? This is the day notorious for being the busiest shopping day of the year, mostly because the stores have collectively made it that way because the crowds arouse them. Can’t just have a sale last all through Christmas time. Have to squeeze it into the wee morning hours of the day after Thanksgiving, so some people can get trampled because they’ve been stirred up into a frenzy like the mindless cretins they are.

Stay home. Nothing is that important. What’s really odd are the ones who actually do go to the store at 4am or something. Screw that. Stay home and sleep. How much of a dumb redneck are you that you must be sitting outside Wal-Mart in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, waiting for it to open so you can buy shit for your redneck family and friends?

Then again, maybe this is overhyped. Stores might not be quite as bad as they say, but I’m avoiding them nonetheless. They also say stores are horribly mobbed the few days before Christmas, but I used to do all my shopping between December 20 to 24, and I always did quite well. Crowds weren’t terrible. So maybe this is the same, that only the media and conventional knowledge are trying to make it look like a disaster, way worse than it is.

And people wonder why so many unfortunate souls have lost any Christmas cheer. All this forced stress. It’ll kill anything.

I hereby decree…

MOAR FIVE ALIVE IN TEH USA, PLZ THX!!!

Um, wow. Chatspeak attack. Let’s try that one again.

Five Alive should be sold more in the USA!

What’s Five Alive? It’s a kind of juice, under the Coca-Cola umbrella. It’s delicious. It used to be around a lot in the United States back when I was little. In concentrate form, anyway. I liked it. Then didn’t have it any more for a while. Stopped selling it I guess.
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I hereby decree…

The final episode of The Sopranos was GREAT!!!!

Some endings should tie up all loose ends, but this just totally threw that out the window. Hehehe. To have an ending so bizarre and confusing yet doing it in such a way that you’re happy with it… that takes talent! And, despite what a lot of idiots have been saying, this was done very well. I am pleased.

Of course, I realize some people don’t like the mystery of the weird ending. Wasn’t much indication of what happens later on. Those people need to shut the hell up, I guess (but this entry is already a Decree, don’t feel like mixing it with another type, hehe). But maybe I should appease them. So, for your delight and for a sense of closure, those of you pissed off at the ambiguity of the final episode of The Sopranos will be happy to know that right here I will supply you with the fates of all the beloved characters from this hallowed HBO drama. (And I’ll place the “more” thing here as a spoiler blocker, since this will be spoilers for those who haven’t seen it yet and actually care, though if at this point you haven’t heard already from like every media outlet, kudos)
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I hereby decree…

It’s always “Smells Like Teen Spirit”!

Always. No question. No doubt. Hell, was probably true before the song even came out. Whenever a radio station is doing a big ass top some-number list of greatest alternative rock songs (provided it includes the 1990’s, if it were just this decade, it MIGHT not be on there, but no guarantee on that), then Nirvana’s famous “Smells Like Teen Spirit” will be number one.

So, yeah, DC 101 just did a huge ass Top 500 list this weekend of “greatest alternative rock songs of all time”. I didn’t even know they were doing this until yesterday, when they were in the 140’s or something, but ever since all I could think was “Smells Like Teen Spirit” will be number one.

And it is. Just now finishing, actually. No surprise. #2 was Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”. #3 was Nine Inch Nails’s “Closer”. Then a bunch of other stuff.

DC 101 will post the full list on their website tomorrow, apparently. I’ll be there to snatch it and check out the whole thing, and post it here for you. I’ll link to it, but knowing them, it’ll only be up for like a day. I’ll immortalize it here with some notes as to which songs are awesome and you should like along with songs that suck and you should hate. Got it?

What do I think of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”? On one hand, sounds like teenage stereotypical crap (maybe, I’m not sure if anyone actually knows what that song is about). Don’t know. But, shit, if fucking Paul Anka covers it (badly), you know it’s made some headway!

Speaking of long ass lists, I still have the top 500 songs WHFS (who is no longer around, which sucks, they’re a fucking Maryland legend!) compiled at the end of 1999 of best songs of the 1990’s. Yes, of course, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is number one. I’ll post that list, too. Why not?

This has been Day 5 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 7.

I hereby decree…

It’s MY birthday!

That is, it’s MY birthday and nobody else’s!

Anyone else born on May 6? They’re lying. Only I was born on May 6. It’s MINE!

I’ve been known to emphatically claim odd things as mine and mine alone (rocks, phrases, trees, Alex Koroknay-Palicz, etc.), but so what, May 6 is MY birthday. Let’s review.

May 5: Cinco de Mayo plus birthday of millions and millions of people.

May 6: MINE!!! Nothing else!

May 7: Birthday of millions and millions of people.

You get the idea.

All these usurping jerks? Lying. They miswrote the date on their birth certificates or something. They think they’re nearly as cool as I am. Screw them. That’s a pipe dream. May 6 is mine. MINE!

Remember that. You meet anyone who isn’t me who says they were born on May 6, you can tell them surely that they are lying pieces of crap. Now you know.

I hereby decree…

I am not a doctor!

And God help us all if I were one!

Sadly, some people seem to think I am or am at least equivalent to one.

“OMG! She has a biology degree! Cure my AIDS PLZ!!!!”

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I hereby decree…

Quit the tattoo discrimination!

Personally, I would never get a tattoo. Not only am I deathly afraid of needles, but I just don’t fancy a permanent painting in my skin. Not my bag.

However! I’m sick of how society seems to view people with tattoos with such disgust. God forbid someone isn’t standing perfectly straight with perfectly short groomed hair in a perfectly pressed little grey suit.
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I hereby decree…

Life’s too short for the seven deadly sins.

I’ve been thinking about these for the past couple of days. Pride. Gluttony. Lust. Anger. Sloth. Greed. Envy.

And those are all a damn waste of time. I’d say they are sins for good reason. They suck! They all make you act like an irrational moron and possibly hurt yourself and those you care about. Let’s go through them.
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I hereby decree…

Christmas is not over!

Damn, you people are so quick to put all the ornaments and lights away. Just because you’ve already opened your presents and gotten sloshed on egg nog doesn’t mean it’s all finished and time to pack it up. Hell no. There’s another week and a half left. Really, its only purpose is leaving the decorations up, but, hell, why not?

It’s still Christmas until January 6, folks. I’m sure you’ve heard the classic carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” a lot and wondered to yourself “what twelve days are they talking about?” Well, I’ll tell you what twelve days. It runs from December 25 to January 5. And January 6 is Epiphany, also known as Three Kings Day.

So, our decorations are STILL up. I’m STILL wearing my Santa Claus pin. Our tree is STILL lit. You are STILL a moron. That clear? Good.

I hereby decree…

White holiday lights suck. Colored lights, for the win.

Yeah, what’s the point of white Christmas lights? It’s the same color as your porch lights. You went through all the trouble of climbing around on ladders, nearly breaking your neck, pricking yourself in your bushes (huh, huh, huh), and untangling the wire, but for what? Boring!

Although if the lights flash and flicker, that redeems it a little. But solid white lights on the front of your house? Snooze.
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I hereby decree…

Avoid the following places. Do not use their “services”. Do not trust them. Do not give them your money. Do not entrust them with the life of your son or daughter.

I cannot stress that enough. My decrees often have a somewhat light-hearted quality, as do most of the other pages on the Fortress. But with this I am absolutely serious. This is a matter of life and death. So look at the following list of facilities. I may even add more to the list from time to time. Look at this list.

Academy at Ivy Ridge
Robert Land Academy
Thayer Learning Center
Bethel Boys Academy
Eagle Point Christian Academy
Provo Canyon School
Tranquility Bay
Majestic Ranch
Carolina Springs Academy
Whitmore Academy
Spring Creek Lodge Academy
Summit Quest Academy
Escuela Caribe
Turn-About Ranch
SageWalk

And more. Many more.
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I hereby decree…

Today is not Christmas!

This morning at around 5:45am, my alarm clock radio went off, and I lay there wondering “Wait, why the hell are they playing Carol of the Bells?!” Consulted my watch to be sure it was in fact still July like I last knew, that I hadn’t slept for like four or five months straight. Only to have to explain why I missed so much work, as well as the NYRA Annual Meeting, the Travers, Halloween, and Thanksgiving.
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I hereby decree…

Soccer is not a sport!

How about that! Two consecutive days of decrees. Hehehe.

Baseball? Sport. American pasttime. Always a treat to go to the old ballpark. Game play requires lots of running and arm strength. (American) Football? Sport. Rough. Exhausting. I mean, shit, you need a fucking helmet! Always exciting. Tackling gets a thumbs up. Basketball? Sport. Hockey? Sport. Golf? Eh, it’s a grey area, seeing as there’s no running. Tennis? Also grey area, but leans more towards sport.
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I hereby decree…

Get a space!

Hehehe. That’s right, folks. There’s a fundraising project going. It’s called Spell NYRA. Go to it. NOW!

It’s really simple. You donate $25 to NYRA, and you get a 50 x 10 space to link to your site and mention how wonderful you are. Seeing as only one space is taken so far, and it’s mine, it’s safe to assume that I am by far the most awesome person in the universe, and that you should bow before the mighty Eight Mine Fortress and thank all that is holy that you have the divine privilege to be viewing this page.

So you think you’re awesome, too? Prove it! Get a space!

This has been Day 19 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 6.

I hereby decree…

Stop using the term “state-of-the-art” for anything!

I’ve been meaning to rant about this stupid crap for a while. It started a few years ago during my job searches. Seeing as possible employment for a biology grad like me was in biotech and pharmaceutical type companies, there I was perusing the many websites of suburban Maryland’s many such places. Ooh! They all use new, “state-of-the-art” technology! I’d say three out of every five websites I visited used this term at least twice. State-of-the-art methods. State-of-the-art machines. State-of-the-art facilities. State-of-the-art research. State-of-the-art products. State-of-the-art ways of wiping your ass. And don’t forget the state-of-the-art buzzwords! I’d say my About page pretty well demonstrates what that’s like.
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