October 9, 2014

Till We Find Our Key Change

Filed under: Idiot Box — Katrina @ 11:17 pm

I don’t always have a solid answer to the question of what my favorite movie of all time is, as there are a few that are up there. But I love The Lion King. I like animated Disney movies in general, but this one is just gold. For one, it’s got “Circle of Life”. True, obvious rip-off of Kimba is obvious, but The Lion King has “Circle of Life”. I also like The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Toy Story, Frozen, and others. But The Lion King has “Circle of Life”.

The sequel, Simba’s Pride, is alright, and confirms what the (vastly superior, of course) original hints at… Simba’s kind of an asshole. And, no, I do not even acknowledge the existence of the horrific abomination that is The Lion King 1½. Fuck that noise.

Anyway, today is October 9, and I have a tradition that every year on October 9, I watch The Lion King. I’m not even going to try explaining the origin of this, as I wouldn’t even know where to begin, and as is the case with a lot of my origin stories, it’s not particularly interesting.

So here are some lovely and totally real quotes from this spectacular movie! 🙂 :cute:

Scar: Life’s not fair, is it. You see, I, well, I shall never be king. And you… shall never see the light of another day. Adieu…
Zazu: Actually, because of me, you’ll be wrong on both counts.

Mufasa: Everything you see exists in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures. Except hyenas. Fuck hyenas. And spiders.

Scar: Your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?
Simba: Everything!
Scar: He didn’t show you what’s beyond that rise at the northern border?
Simba: That’s the southern border. When we were at the top of the rock, we were facing the rising sun, and I walked around to my right to see the shadowy place, so it was to the south.
Scar: Well, forgive me for not knowing my cardinal directions. Bad back, you know.
Simba: What?
Scar: Fuck it. It’s an elephant graveyard. Just go.

Zazu: One day you two will get to be married!
Nala: Eww!
Simba: Yuck! I can’t marry her. She’s my sister!
Nala: Yeah, who the hell else other than Mufasa would be my dad?

Simba: Dad, we’re pals, right?
Mufasa: Right.
Simba: And we’ll always be together, right?
Mufasa: Zazu told me about that song you sang earlier about how you “just can’t wait to be king”. You do realize what has to happen for you to become king, right?
Simba: Uh… a sunrise, like you said this morning?
Simba: What?
Mufasa: Look up at the stars!

Banzai: Oh, it’s just you, Scar.
Shenzi: I thought it was somebody important.
Scar: Well, fuck you, too.

Shenzi: I hear that name and I shudder.
Banzai: I hear if you say “Mufasa” three times in front of a mirror, he appears and eats you.
Shenzi: Ooooh… try it!
Banzai: Mufasa! Mufasa! Mufasa!
Shenzi: Hehehehe. You dumbass, you believed that?
Scar: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Simba: Hey, Uncle Scar. Will I like the surprise?
Scar: No, it’s actually a sulfuric acid enema. Stay on that rock anyway. I’ll be back.

Mufasa: Scar! I just happened to jump out of the stampede right under where you’re looming ominously while I struggle for my life. Help me!

Simba: It was an accident. I didn’t mean for it to happen!
Scar: Of course you didn’t. No one ever means for these things to happen. But the king is dead. And just yesterday you sang a whole musical number about how you just couldn’t wait to be king. Well, what the hell did you think had to happen for you to become king? Be careful what you wish for, asshole.

Pumbaa: And I got downhearted!
Timon: How did you feel?
Pumbaa: Every time that I f-
Timon: Pumbaa, not in front of the kids!
Pumbaa: Wha- Are you fucking kidding me?

Scar: Oh, Zazu, do lighten up. Sing something with a little bounce in it!
Zazu: It’s a small world after all…
Scar: No! No. Anything but that!
Zazu: This is the song that doesn’t end, it goes on and on…
Scar: Dear God no! Something else!
Zazu: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer…
Scar: Argh! No! Pick another!
Zazu: Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want…
Scar: You know, I’m not actually sure why I haven’t eaten you yet.
Zazu: Fine. I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…

Timon: They’re fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck in that big bluish black thing.
Pumbaa: Oh, geez. Carl Sagan said they’re balls of gas burning billions of miles away.
Timon: Pumbaa, with you, everything’s gas.
Pumbaa: I could swallow you whole, you know…

Rafiki: Simba? These flying flower petals spell out SEX for some reason. Or SFX. Whatever. That means he’s alive! He’s alive!

Simba: Nala? Is it really you?
Nala: You think that just because a lioness tackled you it could only be your cubhood friend? You grew up eating bugs. Zazu could kick your ass, you sexist idiot. But, yeah, it’s me, Nala.

Nala: Could you guys excuse us for a few minutes? I mean, we’re an adult male and female of the same species in a Disney movie, and we’ve been together for five minutes and haven’t been romantic yet and this is the only place we can really shoehorn the love song into this story.

Nala: You don’t know what this will mean to everyone. What it means to me.
Simba: What are you getting at?
Nala: It means I don’t have to fuck Scar! You don’t know how happy that makes me!

Simba: Now are you satisfied?
Nala: No. Just disappointed.
Simba: You’re starting to sound like my father.
Nala: How so? Because I said “disappointed”? It’s a common word.

Simba: That’s not my father. That’s just my reflection.
Rafiki: No. Look harder.
Simba: Still nothing.
Rafiki: Look harder than that.
Simba: I don’t see- *SPLASH* Hey! You pushed me in!
Rafiki Ha, I can’t believe you fell for that!

Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No. How could I? Being responsible for your death tortures me day and night.
Mufasa: Wait, what? Is that what all this is about? You didn’t kill me. Scar did. When I jumped out of the stampede that last time, he threw me back in. Now stop wallowing in self-pity and go maul his ass already.

Timon: We’re going to fight your uncle for this?
Simba: Yes, Timon. This is my home.
Timon: Talk about your fixer upper.
Trolls from Frozen: So it’s a bit of a fixer upper! So it’s got a few flaws!
Simba: Oh, crap, not them…

Timon: He’s a big pig. You can be a big pig too. Oy! … Oh, crap, the lionesses are chasing us too since they’re starving to death and don’t know we’re Simba’s friends! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

Sarabi: Mufasa?
Simba: No. It’s me.
Sarabi: Simba. You’re alive? How can that be?
Simba: Well, I’m not the one whose body was at the bottom of the gorge. If either of us is still alive, it’d be me, right?

Sarabi: It’s not true. Tell me it’s not true!
Simba: It’s true.
Sarabi: No, it doesn’t make any sense. You were a tiny cub. How on earth were you able to murder a full grown lion?
Simba: I was practicing my roar and scared the wildebeests.
Sarabi: You mean that little “rawr” you made back then? You actually believe that spooked a whole herd of wildebeests into charging?
Simba: Huh. Good point.

Scar: Now here’s my little secret… I killed Mufasa!
Simba: Nooooooo…. Or actually, yeah, that makes a lot more sense.

Simba: Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie. My father didn’t have a marvelous surprise for me in the gorge at all!

Simba: Run. Run away, Scar. And never return.
Scar: Of course. As you wish.
Princess Buttercup: Oh, my dear sweet Westley!

Shenzi: Friends? I thought he said we were the enemy.
Scar: What difference does it make? You guys tried to kill Simba at least twice. He doesn’t exactly think highly of you.
Banzai: Yeah, well, we’re about to get kicked back out to the elephant graveyard to starve if we don’t burn to death now, so you’re pretty much our last meal. What do you think, Ed?
Ed: Heh heh heh!

Mufasa: Remember.
Simba: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I’m a lion. ROAR!

Timeless. 😀

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