Sure, Why Not?

On yet another anniversary of that fateful day, revisited one and two years ago, I recall the sheer uncertainty of the day. I watched him slowly move his stuff out of his dorm room, said my goodbye at that fateful moment behind his car.

That’s just it. All that day begged a question I had no answer for. What now? Will I see him again? Will I ever find anybody I feel the same way about? What’s next? Where will it go from here?

True, as I said last year, I was subconsciously blocking out the reality of the situation. As far as I was stubbornly concerned, it was the beginning of a hiatus that wouldn’t go too long. Well, it’s been six years and reality has long since finally set in. Yeah, he’s not coming back into the picture. The nagging “what if?” questions get me now and then, and sometimes I do wonder what I should have done differently if anything. I think back on the situation, and honestly, I really don’t know that I’d behave differently, and after almost eight years of questioning, even if not nearly as much as it used to be, I get sick of wondering sometimes.

Nonetheless, the numb, elusive question of “what now?” is interesting, and May 21, 2002, was definitely one of those times that question burned the most.

As it does on May 21, 2008. What now? I signed a lease and paid my security deposit this evening. About exactly five years since moving back here from Salisbury, I’m finally getting the HELL out! What now? Good question. We’ll see. But, as I eventually learned since the “what now?” situation of six years ago today, it’ll be alright.