Sure, Why Not?

Ha! I’ll bet you’re thinking I’m about to blast immigrants, right? WRONG! This has nothing to do with immigrants. Nope. It involves the mouth-breathing asswads spawned right here in the US of A, especially ones who by some means or another found their way to a computer with an internet connection.

u no wat i meen dey tawk lyk dis dey don no engilhs n don no hwo 2 tipe so dey tipe lyk dis i don no mabe des ratadid

God, I hate you all so much. Just when a lot of us are here trying to fucking defend youth and defend our generation and convince everyone that people born after 1975 aren’t a bunch of fucking retards, we have to see this shit all over our message boards and blogs and e-mails.

Did you never look at book until you were 12 or something?! Nobody can understand you, you ignorant piece of shit. You’d make more sense trying to talk 1337. That’s at least somewhat decipherable and follows some sort of general form. You’re just spewing illegible crap out of your ass and wondering why nobody seems to be paying attention to you other than to ask what the fuck you just said.

How about punctuation? Do you know what that is? You end each sentence with this little dot called a period. Yes, that word is not just for the blood spilling out of you once a month. (I know that only happens to girls, but if you’re a guy and you type like this, I just might see to it that it happens to you, too.) It’s so people know where one sentence ends and that another one is beginning. That’s one way to stop sounding like a fucking assmonkey. Commas help, too. I’d explain those, but I don’t want to overload your brain. Or maybe I do. It might kill you, and leaving the world with one less idiot. That’d be sweet, actually. Okay, so yeah, commas separate clauses within a sentence… No, asshole, it has nothing to do with Santa Claus. Fuck it. Moving on.

Capitalization. The first word of each sentence is supposed to be capitalized. Proper nouns, such as names of stuff, should be capitalized, too, as should the word “I”… No, shortbus, it has nothing to do with capitalism. If you’re a commie bastard, this won’t affect your stance. It’s different.

Spelling is the main thing. You can use all the fancy punctuation you want, but when all you know how to type is afjel ahetiha jfieha jeoti, then you’re still making the worms in your ass look like geniuses.

Every time one of you shit-for-brains cretins violates a few hundred pixels with your incoherent babble, chances are someone around will say “Use spell check, idiot.” They are right to call you an idiot but wrong to make that suggestion. Your bad spelling is critical. It’s not something that can be merely glossed over with a MS Office add-on that often falsely “corrects” things because, hey, machines don’t know what you’re trying to say and what usage would be right. Then again, neither do you. So, the remedy? Oh, I don’t know, maybe…

LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL, SHITBAG!!!

Do you ever read? No, I’m not talking about sitting down and reading three novels a week. I’m asking if you’ve ever seen written English words ever in your life. Did you just assume that everyone must be spelling those words wrong and that you know how they’re supposed to be spelled? Or maybe you somehow think eliminating a letter or two from a word makes you type faster. Because the three seconds it takes to find the letters Y and O when trying to spell “you” while you’re hunting and pecking really makes all the difference in the world. Saving time is no excuse. Fuck that. Or saving “tyme” as some of you say. The whole having Y and I switch places all the time. What the fucking hell?

It’s not cool. Furthermore, don’t try to hide behind “oh, but language is always changing and this is just part of it”. No, it’s not. This is not part of it. The purpose of language is communication, and you’re not communicating when you think wdmrn spells “watermelon”.

So do us all a favor and at least try to act like you weren’t held back in first grade five times. Go to hell.