Soccer Sucks
I hereby decree…
Soccer is not a sport!
How about that! Two consecutive days of decrees. Hehehe.
Baseball? Sport. American pasttime. Always a treat to go to the old ballpark. Game play requires lots of running and arm strength. (American) Football? Sport. Rough. Exhausting. I mean, shit, you need a fucking helmet! Always exciting. Tackling gets a thumbs up. Basketball? Sport. Hockey? Sport. Golf? Eh, it’s a grey area, seeing as there’s no running. Tennis? Also grey area, but leans more towards sport.
But getting to the point. Soccer? Or “football” for you non-Americans? Not a sport. Here’s why. (Oh, and from this point on, any mention of football will be in reference to American football, so don’t get your empty little head confused.)
Real sports tend to require use of your arms. Goalies get to use their arms, sure. When they’re trying to grab the ball like an idiot should it come their way. The other players? They use their arms after they’ve tripped over their own feet and must pick themselves back up, feeling very foolish to have fallen down in this crappy game.
Another sign that soccer is not a real sport is when you look at its rather pathetic fandom. You’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who likes soccer who also likes any of the real sports, especially baseball or football. Or, better yet, look at people who proudly proclaim they don’t like sports. Dollars to donuts, they’ll make an aside mention that they like soccer. What more proof do you need?
Then you get these guys who somehow actually injure themselves playing this. I mean, football players even under the helmets and assloads of padding they must wear still sustain serious injuries because their sport is so rough. Soccer players might trip and fall backwards onto soft wet grass, and they’d cry and want a stretcher to take them out. So don’t go telling me football is gay based on the ass-slapping thing. M’kay? Just like a soccer player who might get kicked in the eye during a game would be much better off telling people he’s half-blind because he missed and jabbed it on his boyfriend’s erect penis, because that would be significantly less gay than the truth.
While I’m thinking about it, I’ve noticed another pattern. Are there any Libertarians in existence who like sports? Because I’ve met quite a few, and every single one of them hates sports. Is it a party thing or something? What? I mean, I like some of their platforms (although some of their other platforms scare the life out of me!), and I might be inclined to vote for them, but I don’t want to vote for a party that wants to take away my Redskins and Nationals games. Maybe if they were more friendly about the game they might get a bit more support? Think about it!
And have you actually watched a soccer game?! Good God. A bunch of people run like idiots trying to keep their arms out of the way. A few of them fall on the ground and cry. They have no control over the ball whatsoever. It wanders away so often, and the goalie strolls out leisurely and gives it a sissy little punt about ten feet away. The ball spends a good third of the game out of bounds, and some loser has to run out and grab it. Not to mention the neat little pile of the players’ testicles and ovaries that they sacrificed in order to play this retarded game. Seriously, even I could kick a soccer player’s ass!
So, here’s a side decree. Saying the words “I like soccer” or “Soccer is better than baseball or football” or “I hate sports, but soccer is okay” or anything along those lines, is equivalent to saying “I’m a fucking retard”. Don’t deny it. I’m right. You’re wrong.
Go Nationals. 
And go Redskins in two months when football season starts.
Dallas sucks.
This has been Day 20 of the 100 Days of Summer, Round 6.
Come on, Kat, they’re Libertarians.
And yes, Dallas does suck!
Comment by Jesu — June 12, 2006 @ 8:30 pm
Hehehe. I like soccer, but I also like baseball, basketball, and football.
Comment by Tempus Fugit — June 12, 2006 @ 8:30 pm
Wrong! Not gonna bother proving it.
Comment by Liberty — June 14, 2006 @ 11:42 am
Soccer is probably the most liked game in the world, btw. Older Americans don’t really like it because they’ve never heard of it, but it’s almost hard to find a kid who didn’t play youth soccer anymore.
Comment by Zach — June 19, 2006 @ 10:40 am
Just supports the theory that most of the world is stupid. So what?
Comment by Katrina — June 19, 2006 @ 5:13 pm
I agree. soccer sucks.
God gave you hands, use them!
Comment by Bill — February 11, 2007 @ 9:43 pm
Soccer is vastly superior to all other sports. That is why it is the most popular sport. If there was a better sport, it would be bigger than soccer. But there isn’t.
Soccer dominates everything with awesomeness.
Comment by Kenson — January 20, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
LOL! Okay, sure, whatever.
Comment by Katrina — January 20, 2008 @ 7:08 pm
I grew up in Northwest Pennsylvania and I played hockey. To be honest, soccer can’t hold hockey’s jockstrap. There are only two reasons soccer gets played in this country at all. There is the large influx from Latin America where it is literally the only game in town. Who’d believe that? Poor people from other countries WANTING to come to the United States? Unbelievable! Kids in this country play it because their parents (soccer moms) can drop them off, let them run around in circles for a few hours so they are nice and tired, and pick them up later so they can take them home and put them to bed. It’s cheap babysitting – shorts, a t-shirt, and cleats. That’s it. Throw in some extra laundry soap for grass stains and it’s still the cheapest sport this side of ping-pong.
Even if they continue to play all the way through high school, by then most realize that it is a go-nowhere sport. What are they going to do? Get drafted by an MLS team so they can play a few games in front of a couple hundred friends and family in a stadium where most fans come disguised as empty seats? Fine. Go ahead. But don’t forget to make sure you have that application in for the Manager’s position at McDonald’s for the off-season. You gotta pay the rent somehow! Even if they were good enough to get to play over in Europe (THE SOCCER MECCA), they’d mostly be playing in stadiums that double as cow-pastures for the rest of the year. They’d be playing in front of fans who are rowdy alcoholics first and soccer fans second. I saw a shirt pinned up on a wall in a local restaurant owed by a great couple from Buffalo, NY. It half jokingly said “Buffalo – a drinking town with a football problem!” It’s also like the classic line always used against hockey. “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.” Well, the more apt line would be “We went to a street riot with a banner, a keg, a few bricks to throw, and some flares to shoot and a soccer game broke out.”
Believe me, I have tried to watch. I just can’t credit a ’sport’ where you are offsides for being faster than the defensemen. It seems like every time the offense gets the ball and has a breakaway on the goalie – IT’S OFFSIDES! That, and the fact that the line that denotes offsides doesn’t even go all the way across the field of play so the referees are left to ‘guess-timate’ if it was truly offsides or not. This would be like in tennis if the box for serves only extended half as deep from the net and the linesmen (who in tennis are at least stationary to view what they need to) had to judge IF the ball would have been in if the line WAS there! Totally illogical.
I also think the uniforms are pretty silly for professional teams, too. In hockey and REAL football, the athletes dress like gladiators ready for combat. Soccer players resemble grown boys in silk pajamas. Also, if you represent a city, use the name of the city on your jersey so we can at least tell where the heck you are from – not which variety of beer your sponsor is. I swear, the team names should be the Best Buy Washer/Dryers, the Time-Life Elvis Collectible Dish Salesman, the Minute Maid Frozen Orange Juicers, or the Tampax Panty-Liners based on what you see on the uniforms. Advertise on the field or something and provide some recognition for the city you supposedly represent. The owner of the New England Patriots also owns (or owned) Gillette (the razor company). The team plays in Gillette Stadium but the team doesn’t have to advertise it on their uniforms. Uniforms should be sacred – not billboards for hire. A little Nike swoosh, Reebok symbol, Champion “C,” or Adidas stripes are one thing. A corporate logo that covers the entire front of your uniform – sacrilegious. Given time, a soccer team will eventually be fielded wearing sandwich-boards to maximize advertising space.
Do we really have to go into the arguement about how “tough” these candy-asses are, too? Just because you can run 3 miles during a 90 minute (plus ’stoppage’ time ;o ) game does not make you “tough.” (That’s 2 miles per hour by the way. You move about that fast walking your dog, people!) A player bends a finger back and writhes on the ground for 10 minutes like someone severed his Achilles tendon in order to get a penalty called and then be running around again 5 minutes later. Gamesmanship? No. Integrity? No. These players should add another sign on those stupid jerseys. Instead of a player’s name it should say “Fragile” or “Handle With Care.” This makes me think FedEx or UPS would be ideal sponsors for ANY team!
A friend in college (from England) tried to turn us on to soccer. We tried watching one of his intramural games. His team scored early and took a 1-0 lead. The guys on his team started yelling something like “Play Italian” or some other nationality. We all thought that meant we were going to have pizza after the game! I guess the Italians are known for stall tactics or something. His team soon started kicking the ball as far out of bounds as possible so the clock would run off as much time as possible. Brilliant strategy! We used to play “keep-away” in kindergarten, too!
Which brings me to my next argument – the clock. Some may argue the the non-stopping time means non-stopping action. The Heck you say! Allowing the clock to run while players argue with the referee about whether or not a player was tripped or if he flopped (usually the case), to allow for a ball to be retrieved and brought back into play, or to allow “walls” to be set up on a free-kick (if they’re not ready, that’s their problem – kick the darn thing!)? And this extra-time thing is supposed to compensate for the ‘down-time’? You gotta be kidding me. In 90 minutes of a soccer game there is only like 1 or 2 minutes of ‘injury’ or ’stoppage’ time? Are you joking? That would be like saying baseball only has 5 or 10 minutes of down time. And only one man in the entire stadium knows when the half/game is REALLY going to end? Ridiculous! Sounds like a hometown ref would be pretty hard to beat! (”Let’s see, today we need 10 minutes of extra-time so my hometown boys can tie the score and if they can’t, well, I did my part at least.”)
I love some of the arguments put forward by the ‘true-believers’ though. “Chicks dig soccer.” This is good only if you like your chicks to look like they just ran the Boston Marathon (skin and bones – brutal, man – you can keep ‘em). Then there is the intellectual/cussing group. “I got a 1470 SAT, 36 on the ACT, and my GPA is 3.97. Soccer is the best, you f***ing p***y wanker co** s***ing son of …” and on and on and on it goes. Yeah, you sure are a rocket scientist there buddy. This isn’t 2nd grade. Or maybe it is. They do say that 2nd Grade IS the longest 5 years of a soccer fan’s life! Grow up, for Pete’s sake! Who are you trying to impress? I played ice hockey as a kid but I do not feel the need to go onto websites to protect it. The sport speaks for itself. Anyone who feels the need to have to defend their sport, seek out websites called “Soccer Sucks,” and chime in with unintelligible foul-mouthed ‘hooliganism’ is only proving the point of the kind of followers the sport has and why so little is thought about it here in the States. You guys are right there with Pro Wrestling fans! Then there is the eternal arguement that it’s THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD. Then again, much of the world still crapped in a hole in the ground until the last 30 years or so, too. Many still do. That doesn’t make it the best option, though. Most civilized people in the world wipe after a trip to the bathroom but that doesn’t mean we all need to watch it happen!
I do credit two players, though, on the entire field for a soccer game. Soccer goalies must be other-worldly! How one man from each team can keep 9 out of 10 games to a 1-0 or 0-0 score while defending goals larger than the houses that most soccer fans grew up in I’ll never know! It’s inconceivable how the scores aren’t 10-8 or 12-11 with the goals being the size of an 18-wheeler. Try standing in front of your house while your friend races towards you trying to kick the ball and hit your house. Remember, though – EVERYTHING is apparently offsides so your friend would probably be offsides anyway. I am old enough, though, to remember the MISL – Major Indoor Soccer League. Now that was an improvement that should have caught on – soccer in a broom closet! Insert your own “back into the closet” jokes here!
We can put ice rinks in cities like Phoenix and Miami and watch world class athletes play a faster, stronger game with more action in one game than in an entire season of soccer and people outside the US wonder why sports like NASCAR and hockey are still more popular among adults in the US than soccer – and NASCAR doesn’t even HAVE athletes. All they do is drive in a friggin’ circle. Of course most soccer players from Third World countries could only approach duplicating that by racing their mule against their neghbor’s.
Personally, I’d even watch golf, tennis, or a “Golden Girls” Marathon on TV instead of soccer. At least Bea Arthur and Betty White don’t fall down every 2 seconds faking an injury. Maybe someone should try using game film and do a study to see whether or not soccer on TV really is the cure for insomnia!
If you want a real question, ponder this…
Your TV is broke. The only channels that work have soccer, a shopping channel, and the World Series of Poker. What do you watch?
Answer: Nothing – go rake the leaves or mow the lawn. Better yet, go spend some time with your wife and kids. Even better yet, go get a job and support your family. Watch your soccer while you are waiting in the unemployment line!
Comment by Bill — February 20, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Lol @ how threatened some of my fellow americans feel by soccer. Some will go our of their way just to condescend and insult the billions of fans that soccer has, and take the time and energy to write long “soccer sucks” articles like the one above. How can you get so damn threatened by a sport?
Soccer is bigger, richer and more watched than all our sports put together. Get over it already.
Comment by Manson — March 30, 2008 @ 8:06 pm
Heh. You think I or any of the commenters are threatened by soccer? Must have a rather loose definition of a threat, LOL.
Comment by Katrina — March 31, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
If “Bill” and whoever wrote this article wasn’t threatened by soccer, they wouldn’t go out of their way to bash it. They wouldn’t write paragraphs upon paragraphs of vitrol aimed at soccer. But they do. They put effort into it.
Comment by Manson — April 10, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
I wrote the original entry. And going out of my way to bash it? Wouldn’t say that. This is where I normally come to rant about stuff. It’s quite within my way. As for threatened, if I’m threatened by soccer as you seem so sure of, what exactly do you think I’m afraid soccer will do to me? Will it stalk me in dark alleys? Will it mail obscene letters to my house? Will it say it will kill my whole family if I don’t leave two hundred dollars behind a statue in the park? I wasn’t aware a game had that ability. I just figured I find the game stupid and felt like saying so. I’m puzzled as to how that constitutes me being threatened. No more than the person who comes over to my website to complain that I spoke ill of something they like. Now which one of us feels threatened again?
Comment by Katrina — April 10, 2008 @ 8:22 pm
Re-read you lame article where you clearly PUT IN EFFORT to write a 500 word essay on how soccer is for “sissies” and how it is “pathetic”, “boring”, “gay”, “retarded”….etc. This was written during the World Cup, when soccer enters the media constantly and the isolated american culture. It was on TV constantly and in the news…as a baseball fan you felt thretened by this foreign sport getting more attention than your traditional sports. So you wrote this long soccer bashing piece. If you didn’t feel threatened , you wouldn’t have reacted in xenophobic knee-jerk soccer bashing. But you did. As you will in response to this comment.
Comment by Manson — May 14, 2008 @ 10:30 pm
Still not sure where you’re getting any of that, but I do find out so cute you keep coming back with your little “theories”. Xenophobic? Hardly. Try reading other stuff around here. Not to mention half my family was born outside of this country. And I never once stated any distate for soccer being based on what’s going on in other countries. Nothing to do with that. And feeling threatened? Seriously, reread my last response about the stalking me in a dark alley thing. Anyway, I trust I’ll see you back within a month or so with another “psychological” nugget about what my fears and beliefs must be simply because I’m not kissing soccer’s ass? Oh, I shiver in anticipation.
Comment by Katrina — May 14, 2008 @ 11:05 pm
Back to your blog, how long has it been
BTW, you have convinced me. Soccer is evil and inferior and boring and gay and stupid and sucks bat shit off the bat cave. Now all you have to do is convience a few more billion people, and you’re on your way. Remember, if soccer wins, the terrorists win. On your way soldier, fight the war against soccer. You’ll do america proud! One down, another billion to go!!!
Comment by Manson — July 10, 2008 @ 10:43 am
[...] maintain that soccer is lame and boring. Seriously, half these games end in like a 1-1 tie or with only one goal the whole match. Been [...]
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