Sure, Why Not?

I hereby decree…

If your single friend never asked you to fix him/her up with a friend or relative of yours, don’t do it!

This makes a nice companion to yesterday’s “Mmmm Candy Hearts”. Because after the shit mentioned there, then comes another wave of relationship-related stupidity. It’s the very Disney-like urge to match up anyone and everyone who is not paired with someone already. Match makers! Don’t those two words just turn your stomach? It’s the always irritating phenomenon when a friend of yours thinks about how you’re single, and he/she has a friend or relative who is also single (almost invariably one you’ve never met and know nothing about), and thinks “Hey! Maybe I could put them together!”

No! Don’t you fucking think about it! Well, initially, it’s a nice thought with good intentions, but the truth is, it’s annoying as shit, particularly when I never asked for you to find someone for me. First off, you may not realize this, but when you try to pair me up with someone without me asking you to, especially someone I don’t know, you’re essentially saying “You seem unable to find someone on your own, so I’ll do it for you.” Don’t deny it. You are, whether you realize it or not, and it’s rather insulting. Although, I’d cut you some slack in that it could just be a passing idea. But you lose that slack when you keep bringing it up over time. I guess that’s my fault, though. You see, I make the mistake of trying to be nice and not just out and saying “No! Leave me alone! I’m not interested in your friend/brother!”

I’ve been on the business end of this crap a few times. It sucks. First time it happened was a bit over four years ago. Out of the blue, my friend comes up to me and cheers “You’re going on a date with my little brother!” I blinked and was like “Wha?!” She talked me into going with her brother to his homecoming dance. Ugh. Well, turned out, he had no intention of having any part of this whole arrangement either. His sister and parents were forcing him into it, and they were quite annoyed when they learned he and I spent all of about ten minutes at the homecoming thing, got some ice cream, and went right on back to their house.

That didn’t end there! For months and months, my friend kept nagging me about her brother, insisting that he and I would be perfect for each other and that she was so worried that because he was so anti-social (which I’ll so rant about on its own later), he’d be all alone, that he would be unable to get a girl on his own without his sister finding one for him. Now that I think back to all this, I took way too long to finally tell her to shut the fuck up about it. Shit, to top it off, I was already into some other guy at this point, since even well before the homecoming setup, and she fucking knew it!

I didn’t see her brother again for a few years, until I saw him briefly after her bridal shower in 2004, just under three years after the homecoming. To my dismay, I learned his family seemed still bent on putting us together (despite how he called me Christina when he saw me, sigh). Early 2005, after my friend was married and they were living in their new house, I saw her brother, the first time I’d seen him in an environment that wasn’t bent on trying to force us together like two blatantly unfitting puzzle pieces. And I found out he’s not a bad guy. I still wouldn’t go out with him, but he’s not a bad guy. I never had the leeway to notice that before.

True, the preceding story is a rather extreme version of this match maker behavior, but to any degree, unsolicited match making attempts are irritating as shit. It’s happened a few other times with other people, to much much lesser degree, but it still can be aggravating. Look, folks. I never asked you to pair me up with someone. I’m perfectly happy by myself, for many of the reasons already outlined yesterday in “Mmmm Candy Hearts”, not to mention the blurb about how being single does NOT mean you’re looking.

So, people, you’re doing me no favors by trying to put me with some friend or relative of yours I don’t know. You especially do nothing for me when even though I express no interest initially, you seem to think it’s only a matter of time before I do. Truth is, no! If I wasn’t interested already, I will not be later. I’m not some garment you just put on layaway until you can buy it. I’m not interested, period. If you come up to me with any intention of pairing me with someone, it damn well better be you who wants to be with me (and if that is the case, God help you, because even I couldn’t even predict how that would turn out!). None of this “Well, my friend is single and…” Hehe. No. If your friend is single, he’ll just have to wait until we cross paths at event of yours or whatever, and then after meeting him, he can approach me himself if he’s interested. Don’t need a liaison. Liaisons suck. And if said event occurred and nothing happened, then fucking drop it!

So, basically, if a friend of yours might be interested in me, tell him to grow some balls and talk to me himself, but even then, only after we’ve already met. Don’t give me any shit about how perfect we might be together, because it’s not your decision, dumbass. And learn to take a hint, huh? “I’m not interested” means “I’m not interested”. Doesn’t mean “bug me about it again in a couple of weeks”. So, yeah, match makers? Go to hell. People I don’t know who use your dumb match maker friends to try to get to me, go to hell.

Hey, I’ve probably insulted the crap out of everyone I know in this post and yesterday’s but, ah, screw it. Except for one person. The aforementioned guy I was into several years ago. Ah, the fucking self-centered prick who fucking ignored me whenever I said hi to him. The bastard who fucking turned the other direction whenever he saw me. The asshole who just didn’t give a shit that I was so obviously in love with him. Well, all things considered now, I thank him for that.