January 18, 2006


Filed under: Random Crap — Katrina @ 2:41 am

I spent the last couple of days helping my employer pack stuff up for their move to a new office. Not that far away. Just four floors up from where they were before. But, as my odd jobs often do, it got me thinking about all kinds of crap. About moving, of course. Well, I thought about other stuff too, but that stuff is none of your damn business. 😛

For one, and this is always true, when you’re moving, you discover you have WAY more shit than you ever imagined you did. Sure, you can do a quick spot check around the place that will soon be devoid of your majestic presence and estimate all the big stuff you’ve got to haul away. Desks, chairs, bookcases, cabinets, copiers, and any computers or printers that could just be put in their original boxes or carried out on their own.

Then you remember you’ve got to empty the bookcases before you can move them anywhere. Okay. Now get a box. Good. Put it together. Oh, come on, put it together, it fits together a certain way like a big cardboard puzzle you’ll get to do a billion times before this is all over. No, no, that’s not how it goes. Oh, let me! *puts box together and whacks you over the head with it* Dumbass. So you’ve got a box. Now start taking those binders and books off the shelf and put them in the box all nice and neat. Try to cram as many as you can in there. And, that’s enough. That box is full. Yes, I know only three binders could fit in there and the box is heavy as fuck. That’s the magic of packing and moving. Now go get another box, you weakling. (Okay, not that I’m one to talk. I’m quite a weakling myself.) And put it together right this time.

Okay, you’ve now eaten through 23 boxes on that bookcase alone. Don’t you feel so accomplished. You’ve taken all those little figurines, statuettes, vases, and other decorative crap off the shelf and put them away. That bookcase can now be hauled out. Congratulations! Now get your ass started on packing up the contents of all the other bookcases in the place. You have enough boxes, right?

You labeling these boxes? I hope so. Remember you’ve got to find all this shit again later. You have to know which bookcase to put them in, which room they go to, and what the hell they are. You’ve got several dozen boxes from the bookcases alone. You really want to go hunting through every single box later just trying to identify it? Get out the magic marker, dumbass. And quit sniffing it. Not cool.

Good. Now the bookcases are out of the way. Time to get those desks taken care of. Hmmm. Sure is a lot of shit on that desk. Better get a box for that. No, damn it, haven’t you figured out how to make these boxes right yet? Grrr. Anyway, start throwing some of this desktop shit into the happy little box, and remember to label it, you dummy. Okay, now you’ve got the desktop cleared off. Good. It took three whole boxes for what just looked like a few things here and there, but that’s what happens in a move. Now here’s the fun part! Open up those desk drawers and start boxing shit up!

And here I come to the other fundamental fact about moving. Not only do you have WAY more shit than you imagined you had, but much of it is tiny pieces of something or other that you don’t want, you don’t use, you don’t remember it’s there, you just kind of stash it somewhere whenever you see it…. yet for some ungodly reason you’ll never understand (nor will I, so don’t feel bad), you will not get rid of it.

The most irritating thing of all that shows up in massive numbers in any move are the tiny unidentifiable plastic objects that you just don’t know what they’re for. They could be important, so you don’t just throw the damn things away. Could be a piece for the printer. Printers have all kinds of crap that, standing alone, wouldn’t look like it does anything. Could be a missing piece of a set of something. Who knows?

There’s also the stuff you can identify and you want to keep around for some reason, but really you never have a spot for it and it’s always getting in the way. Pennies are one item. Shit, you’d never remember it’s fucking money! Sort of. I never remember those damn things are worth anything. I whine that I have like a million pennies all over the place without a thought that a million pennies is ten thousand dollars. Keys are another. Since they’re keys, you certainly shouldn’t get rid of them, but the hell if you remember what they open! Let’s not forget lots and lots of paper clips, thumb tacks, rubber bands, staples, half-used sticky note pads, envelopes, the little boxes some of these things came in that you just won’t throw away for some reason, little toys that are cute but really just take up space better used for something else so they get stashed in a drawer, and countless other crap. You’ll be needing several dozens boxes on this shit alone!

And let’s not forget that you don’t really have all the time in the world to be getting all this shit moved, so there’s no time to actually sort it. Just shuffle it from one place to the next, where it will sit until you move again, to another place where it will sit unused and take up space. It is a common misconception that when you move, that’s time you’ll truly sort out all your junk and finally get organized. The sad truth? If you lack the motivation, organization skills, or time to have prevented the disorganized cesspool you live or work in already, chances are great you’d never be able to get it together even before, during, or right after moving. Trust me. My family moved out of our house back in 2001 to move in with my grandma. Our stuff? Much of it is with us at Grandma’s house. Lots more is in a couple of public storage locker places. Even more is in this trailer that sits on the farm where my aunt, uncle, and cousins live. It is now 2006. We still haven’t gone through that fucking trailer to sort shit out. We’ve opened it up a few times to kind of remind ourselves of what’s in there and to get specific things we knew were there, but I’m certain there’s lots more shit in there somewhere that we should not throw away or forget about. It’s a total fucking mess, and we’re all too damn lazy to do anything about it.

And it’ll happen to you! It happens to everyone. Organization and efficiency is a pipe dream, and moving is one of those scenarios you are painfully reminded of that. Once you’ve gotten your large furniture hauled away along with the 285,947,973,031 boxes you packed, you’ll find yourself in a brand new space. Now to unpack! Furniture is simple enough, although there’s often the debate of “does it look better here or here?” although truth is it doesn’t matter, even if you decide later you hate that spot, it’s not like you’ll get around to moving it to the other. Then all those boxes. Looking for the proper spot to put those things you hate because they take up space yet you want them for some reason, be it because you think you’ll need it or it has some nostalgic value. Whatever. Have fun. It sucks. Remember that before you go deciding to move again!

Best of all, when labeling boxes for that useless junk, there is one label that suits it all, one my sister and I quite enjoyed when we were packing for that 2001 move. It was simply this: Random Crap.


  1. Moving rules! Though there is some stupid shit that goes along with it.

    Approve me! 🙂

    Comment by Zach — January 18, 2006 @ 8:47 pm

  2. Hehehe. Okay, you’re approved. 😉

    (That’s why I rule. On One and Four, it may take Alex several days to finally approve a fucking comment, hehehe.) :cute:

    I also rule because I added your link to the Friends of the Fortress list. 😀

    Comment by Katrina — January 18, 2006 @ 9:48 pm

  3. Oh fuck, TELL ME ABOUT IT! We just moved in like August so the painful memories are still fresh in my mind…. and the myriad of boxes are still in our storage shed, where they will no doubt sit until my wife and I both die and our kids throw all that shit away.

    Comment by Galen — January 21, 2006 @ 1:23 am

  4. What’s really scary is that the useless shit will most likely multiply by a LOT once you do have kids! 😮

    Comment by Katrina — January 21, 2006 @ 1:35 am

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