Kidz Bop?!
Added: February 17, 2006

Originally posted on SnipeMe on April 24, 2005.

Okay, people go to ridiculous lengths to make things "for kids". I just about lost all faith in humanity a few years ago when I saw an ad on TV for something called "Kidz Bop" which is a CD of popular songs but with kids singing them instead of the actual artists. Apparently, it's a great family thing to have if you're listening to some little kids singing "Baby One More Time" instead of Britney Spears. Oh, yes, parents and kids can happily sing along to "All the Small Things" now that they got younger people than Blink 182 performing it. Yeah, just another ad I muted as soon as it came on.

Then came the really frightening thing. They came out with Kidz Bop 2, Kidz Bop 3, and so on. That leaves me to two conclusions, that, one, the company that makes this crap just REALLY feels like throwing money away and reducing the brain cell count of anyone nitwitted enough to not mute the TV or change channels when the ads come on. Or, OR, the thing that frightens me to the pit of my very soul, that people *gasp* are actually BUYING this bullshit! There are people who for some reason won't just pick up a fucking NOW CD, with the actual artists performing the same songs (and any bad words cut out already 'cause they're fucking pussies), and for some reason decide to be "kid friendly" and get the same stupid ass songs sung by prepubescent children. I knew people are fucking retarded, but this is critical!

Then, the other day, I saw something truly awful. I was innocently watching Adult Swim the other night when what should come on but an ad for a Kidz Bop related CD called Beatles Bop or some stupid shit. Sweet little kids are singing songs like "Yellow Submarine" and "All You Need Is Love" and "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and other nice Beatles songs. You know, can the sweet songs. I want to see these little kids sing unaltered versions of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" or "Helter Skelter" or "I Am the Walrus" or "Let's Do It In the Road" or "I've Got a Feeling" or countless others. Shit, if there were an album of little kids singing the lyrics "Bang bang, Maxwell's silver hammer made sure that she was dead" or "Boy you've been a naughty girl, you left your knickers down" or "Everybody had a wet dream", it'd sell a fucking zillion copies! LOL. But no. It's the sweeter sounding ones the little kids are singing. You know what else? I actually glanced at the scrolling list of songs on the fucking thing. EVERY fucking song on it is on the compilation Beatles album called "One" that came out a couple years ago. Damn good collection there, if I do say so myself. But no. You've got this shit coming out that's supposed to be "for kids" so instead of the kids being treated by listening to great songs by great performers John Lennon and Paul McCartney, they listen to a bunch of nameless 8-year-olds singing the same songs off-key as if they were singing "Old MacDonald" or "Skip to my Lou" or other crap kids are forced to listen to because of the childhood labels we unthinkingly brand them with.

A couple years ago, there's this little girl we know who got Beatles "One" for Christmas. She was about eight at the time. Her parents knew she liked the Beatles or at least their songs, so they got her "One". You see, go for the fucking horse's mouth. Even if this Beatles Bop bullshit had been out at the time, I SEVERELY doubt they'd have picked up a copy of that rather than "One" with the same songs sung by the honest-to-goodness actual artists performing them. Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against prepubescent children singing (other than the hope they are not being coerced into anything against their will to that effect). It's this demographic labeling bullshit that pisses me off. Kids have to listen to other kids singing. I'm a girl. Does that mean I'm only supposed to listen to Garbage or Sarah McLaughlin or Alanis Morissette or No Doubt? Or only listen to women singers covering Beatles songs if I want to listen to them at all? Or is rap only for black people because most rappers are black? Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? So let's quit subjecting our children to ONLY things we deem acceptable for their demographic, that being what's performed by that demographic.

I end with a Simpsons quote.

Milhouse: "What are the Beatles?"
Bart: "They do all the songs on Maggie's baby records."


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