Bottom Ten Christmas Songs
Added: December 23, 2006

Originally posted on NYRA Forums on December 21, 2005.

These are the Bottom Ten Christmas songs ever, decided solely by me. These ten songs are the worst Christmas songs ever. Of course, it's possible that there are many even worse than these that I've never heard. However, let's just delve right into them and have a look at why these songs are just plain bad.

10. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Too subtle. And if you actually stay with it to later verses (yes, it's got later verses!), the song turns totally demanding. Pfft.

9. All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth!
Why the fucking hell are you wasting a Christmas wish on something that's already up in your gums as we speak and will painfully show themselves soon enough? And the squeaking is not fucking cute!

8. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
Aside from the fact that it's boring, stupid, and WAY overplayed, it's ageist. To kids from 1 to 92? What, 11-month-olds and 93-year-olds don't receive your Christmas blessing? Dumbass.

7. Nuttin' for Christmas
No fair! Most of the shit the kid did wasn't all that bad. Was fucking hilarious actually. He should be rewarded for cleverness. Buy him some fucking Christmas presents!

6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
There's a future voyeur! Oh, you're wondering what Daddy would have thought if he saw this? Kid, why do you want your mother and Santa Claus to disappear off the planet forever? Probably you too if he saw you were spying.

5. Mele Kalikimaka
It's the thing to say on a Hawaiian Christmas Day. The Hawaiian Christmas song, apparently. Fuck that! Nothing about Hawaii is Christmassy. Fuck Hawaii and everyone from Hawaii. (Sorry, Joia.)

4. Pat-a-Pan
WTF?

3. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Okay, I really take issue with a song that makes good-hearted Santa Claus out to be some kind of fucking ogre. It's not "hey, it's been a tough year, now Santa's going to reward you.." No. It's like "shut the fuck up, or Santa will kick your ass, because he spies on you 24-7..." Not a happy song.

2. Here We Come a-Caroling
I've just always fucking hated this song. Don't know why. Maybe because for the longest time I didn't know what a wassail was, and that frightened me. In fact, I still don't know what a wassail is. What the fucking hell is a wassail?

And the absolute worst Christmas song ever...

1. Santa Baby
Need I say more?




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