Whodunnit, Part 1
Added: February 21, 2006

Originally posted on NYRA forums on October 27, 2005. Also posted on One and Four.

It happened on a fateful October evening in Rockville, MD. There, in his driveway, in his beloved car THABOAT, NYRA executive director Alex Koroknay-Palicz slunk limply over the steering wheel. He was dead. In fact, as it appeared, he was murdered!

Cue Six Feet Under-esque death message:

Alexander August Joseph Koroknay-Palicz
1981 - 2005

Yeah. Anyway...

There were seven suspects, all of them the late Alex's associates in the organization: Jason Kende, Adam King, Kathleen Miller, Ken Boring, Jess Caralize, Katrina Moncure, and Chris Batchelor.

Found within a few feet of the scene of the crime were the following: a copy of last month's Economist, a library card from Burlington, VT, bits of fur from a rare female orange cat, a trenchcoat button, a picture of a girl later identified as one Ana Hevesi, a pencil with "Reynolds High School" printed on it, and a blue cross necklace. Also, there was a big bloody rock, no doubt the item used to smash Alex in the forehead, killing him. He was covered in his own blood spilling from his head and onto himself and the car seat and steering wheel. There was more blood on the inside of the door and on the ground just outside the car.

Why would Alex's own associates want to take his life? Here were the statements given by the seven suspects.

Jason: "To be honest, he's been acting very immature lately. It seems anytime he and I have a difference of opinion on anything, he resorts to personal attacks. Frankly, I find it very childish and annoying. But I didn't kill him!"

Adam: "He never listens to me. I want to do more to help the organization and the forums, but he just shrugs me off. I don't think he takes me seriously at all. But I didn't kill him!"

Kathleen: "I have had it with him! The organization is going down the tubes because he's become such a hard-ass lately. He insults his friends yet practically rolls out the red carpet to troublemaking newbies. But I didn't kill him!"

Ken: "He's way too judgmental. He keeps ranting about things like dancing and sex, saying they're immoral yet not acknowledging that it's just his opinion and should not expect others to live up to it. He drives me nuts with that shit. But I didn't kill him!"

Jess: "It seems like every time we try to enjoy ourselves, he comes along and tells us to stop. What the hell? Innocent fun is good for NYRA. Instead, he says it's all useless and has no substance. It's so frustrating! But I didn't kill him!"

Katrina: "Ha! Where to start. We clash kind of nastily sometimes when it comes to NYRA matters, not to mention how condescending he always is to me. He sure can be mean when he wants to be. I could go on and on. But I didn't kill him!"

Chris: "What the hell does he expect from us? We just try to have a good time, talking to each other about shit, and he has the fucking balls to tell us we're an embarrassment to him and the organization. He can shove that shit right up his ass. But I didn't kill him!"

Seven fascinating statements. Yet all denied the murder. Someone is lying. Let us ask them each what exactly happened on the night of the murder.

Jason: "At 6:30pm, I decided to pay Alex a visit to discuss the recent things that have been pissing me off. I spoke to him very civilly and calmly, but he started whining like a baby and telling me to fuck off. We argued a bit before I wandered away in fury. That's the last I saw him or spoke to him before he died."

Adam: "I met with Alex just outside his house at 6:35pm, where I again expressed my interest in taking a higher role in the organization. He wasn't looking at me or anything. He was ignoring me. It was going in one ear and out the other. When I asked him what his problem was, he told me to get the fuck off his lawn and quit bugging him! So I stormed away, still very angry. That was the last time I saw or spoke to him before he died."

Kathleen: "It was 6:40pm when I confronted Alex. He yelled at me about how busy he always is and how we're all just adding to his troubles. I just walked away. Last time I saw him or spoke to him before he died."

Ken: "Around 6:45pm, I stopped by Alex's place actually for a friendly visit. No intention of bringing up what was bothering me at all. However, I found he was quite bitter with me, mentioning the issues on which we clash on his own, attacking me about it. Hurt, I left. Haven't seen him or talked to him since then, before he died."

Jess: "I arrived at 6:50pm really to ask if he was finished with a copy of the Economist I lent him a while back. He snapped at me saying he didn't want to return it yet. I said that was fine and turned to leave, but then he went on saying that all I do is encourage mindlessness in NYRA, how I egg on all the useless talk that he believes cheapens the organization. I ignored him and walked away. It was the last I saw or spoke to him before he died."

Katrina: "At 6:55pm, I arrived at his house. I found him standing beside the driver's side door to his car, THABOAT. He spotted me and asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted to discuss all this nasty shit that's been going on. It all seemed so uncharacteristic of him. Well, he took this as a major insult, I suppose, and he told me that if I didn't go away right then, he'd strangle me! Startled, I scurried away! Last time I saw him or spoke to him before he died."

Chris: "Yeah, 7:00pm sharp I wander by his house, where I find him standing by his car looking absolutely fucking pissed. I ask him what's wrong. And he fucking blows up at me, bitching about how everyone has been coming up to him in the past half hour demanding to know why their pathetic needs aren't being met or some shit like that. How he can't get a fucking minute of peace. Now I told him I knew that could be annoying, but at the same time, they did have some legitimate concerns. He told me to get the fuck away from him, that he was this close to quitting the fucking organization and saying to hell with all of us. I was going to say more, but he told me to go. I said fine and went away. Last time I saw him or spoke to him before he died."

As it turned out, Alex's exact time of death was 7:15pm. At least one of them had returned. After further investigation, a few more clues were found.

Alex's fingerprints were discovered on the picture of Ana Hevesi, which had been found on the ground beside the car with a shoeprint on it.

Jason: "Okay! A little after 7pm when I saw Chris walking away from Alex, I knew Alex pissed him off, too. I overheard the whole arguments Alex had with the other six. I was pissed at him already, but now I had flipped! So I stomp right up to Alex and tell him that he's being a total asshole, and then he shoves me, as if he thinks he's tough or something. I shove him back and we get into this whole shoving fight. And when he reached into my pocket, took my picture of Ana, dropped it on the ground, and stepped on it, I was raging mad! I was about to punch his fucking face and beat him to a pulp. And that's when Kathleen showed up."

The cat hairs turned out to be, in fact, from Kathleen's cat Athena, and were found on Alex's shirt sleeve.

Kathleen: "Okay! I hadn't gone far after my talk with Alex, and I saw Jason run at him. Jason was about to pummel Alex good, but I knew it was a fit of rage, and he'd regret it later, so I ran over and got between them, pushing them apart. I begged Jason to stop because Alex was not worth it, but Alex was throwing some punches our way, and his arms brushed my own a few times, which must be how the cat hair got on him. Eventually our scuffle shifted away from the car. Finally, Alex and Jason got tired, just as I saw something out the corner of my eye towards the car, THABOAT. It wasn't until I was walking away with Jason it occurred to me that what I saw was Jess!"

The copy of the Economist was located under the driver's seat in THABOAT. Jess's fingerprints were found on both back doors of THABOAT.

Jess: "Okay! I really wanted that Economist back, and when I had initially wandered away from Alex, I spotted it under his seat in THABOAT. I kept walking away, pondering. Finally, after a little while, I came on back to find Alex, Kathleen, and Jason all shoving each other or something. When it seemed none of them were paying attention, I stealthily opened the backdoor. I climbed in and shut the door behind me as quietly as I could so nobody would notice me. Just as I reached for my magazine, I noticed Alex was heading towards the car. So I ducked. He opened his driver's side door and got in and sat down, totally unaware of my presence. Luckily, he got back out of the car a few minutes later, and I knew why. I spotted Adam just outside."

The Reynolds High pencil was found in the grass in the front lawn, only three feet away from THABOAT.

Adam: "Okay! I came back because I wanted to try talking to Alex again, and I found him sitting in his car, and down the street I saw Kathleen and Jason standing around talking. Then I spotted Jess trapped in Alex's backseat. I waved to Alex, calling him out of the car for us to talk again. And it worked. Alex got out of the car and walked over to me, and it gave Jess an opportunity to escape out the passenger side back door, which she did, and she scurried to the side of the house. Except now I had Alex bearing down on me like some kind of menace. He laughed me mockingly and pulled my pencil from my shirt pocket and threw it into the grass. I asked him what his problem was, and he said he didn't have time for little boys like me. Now, you can imagine I was quite insulted! As he turned to walk away, I shoved him hard and he fell down onto the sidewalk. I realized this was probably not a good idea, so I took off running away, towards Jason and Kathleen, before he could get up. While running, I glanced to the side of the house, where Jess had run to, but there I saw Ken scanning the ground."

The library card from Burlington, VT, was unscathed and lying in a tuft of grass beside the driveway.

Ken: "Okay! I actually had no intention of returning to Alex's house, but then I realized my library card was missing, so I realized I'd better retrace my steps and look for it. No such luck. Anyway, during my search, I found myself in Alex's yard again and was glad he didn't notice me as I looked around while he was arguing with Jason, who had just returned. Soon enough I was in the side yard, looking for my card, when, all of a sudden, Jess comes running by! She dived into some shrubs, quickly telling me that she was just hiding in THABOAT and just managed to escape without Alex noticing, but, regrettably, was unable to retrieve her Economist. She stayed where she was while I continued searching around for my library card. Just then, I noticed Adam running across the driveway and disappearing behind the wall of shrubs on that end of the property. Seconds later, I spotted Alex staggering about. He looked off to the side somewhere and shouted unintelligibly, followed by running at whatever he saw."

The trenchcoat button appeared to have been torn off in a scuffle! It was found on a nearby sidewalk.

Chris: "Okay! But I wasn't bothering Alex any. I was still nearby and was just smoking a cigarette when suddenly he runs up at me and tries to tackle me. What the fuck?! Told him to get the hell off me, but he was yelling at me some shit about disrespecting the executive director. I had no idea where that came from so I just ignored him. It was after I walked away from that I noticed one of my coat buttons was missing. Fuck! Oh, well. Anyway, it was while walking away I met Katrina, who was still fucking furious at Alex for threatening her like that."

The blue cross, which had a worn out black strap, was found by the shrub wall, the strap broken.

Katrina: "Okay! I talked to Chris for a bit and then we met up with Adam and then Jason and Kathleen. We wondered what had become of Jess and Ken, but Adam told us they were on the side of the house. I volunteered to go check, hoping to sneak by without Alex noticing. Crap! He saw me and ran at me. He looked absolutely insane. He tried to grab me by the neck, but missed and snagged my cross necklace, breaking the string. I was pissed! I've had that thing for six years! I was about to retrieve it but Alex went at me again to my horror, shouting at me that I was the worst, most irritating one of all. He was stopped, suddenly, when Jess and Ken emerged from the side yard and had each grabbed one of his arms. Alex tried in vain to pull away from them, but they had a tight grip on him. The other four showed up, and we all pondered what to do with Alex now. The time was 7:10pm. Finally, Jess and Ken laid Alex on his back in the side yard, and let go of him. He stayed there while we all rushed away, fearing what he'd do us, even though we did have him greatly outnumbered. We didn't want to cause him any further stress. This was already taking a horrible toll on him, as we all could see. So we left him there in his yard, hoping he'd calm down and be rational again, just like he used to be. Now that I can assure you, is the last time I saw him alive. In fact, since the other six were with me, it was the last they saw him alive as well."

Even though now significantly more information was gathered, the identity of the murderer was no closer to being figured out, particularly since the seven all agreed with each other's statements. Even though it seemed one of these seven had to be murderer, they were asked if they saw anyone else around at all, to which they assured us that, as far as they knew, they were the only ones around at the time.

There were no shortage of crazy theories during this time either. Every once in a while was heard "Cathy did it!" or "I'll bet it was Dave Varney." or "No, I'm telling you, it was Wendy Hamilton!" or "Dude, it was probably Mags!"

Authorities were stumped.

To be continued....


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