A NYRA Christmas Carol
Added: December 24, 2006

Posted on NYRA forums on December 15, 2005.

It was Christmas Eve, and well-known mean moderator Katrina wandered through the snow-covered streets to the familiar building. Outside the door hung a sign: Moncure and Miller.

"Ah, Kathleen Miller," she sighed. "Gone seven weeks today." She knocked the snow off the sign and entered the building. Once she got herself situated at her desk, where she greedily counted her many, many message board posts, she started shivering. "Fuck, it's cold in here! Svend!"

Her only employee, Svend la Rose, emerged from the other room. "Yes, ma'am?" he asked meekly.

"Would you turn the heat up in here?"

"I would, ma'am. It is cold, yes. But it seems whenever the heat gets turned on, you get a massive heating bill and you take it right out of my salary."

Katrina scowled at him. "Well, what's wrong with that? Aren't you enjoying the heat as well?"

"Oh, but I can't afford it. You see, it's my friend Rory. He's very small. That's why we call him Tiny Rory. We fear he may be sick or something, but we can't afford to take care of him, so he remains so small."

Katrina rolled her eyes. "Oh, whatever. Get back to work."

"Something else I wanted to ask you," Svend went on.

"Ugh. What?"

"You know, today is Christmas Eve."

"So?"

"So I was hoping I could get off work to spend time with my good friends."

"Hell fucking no! You're staying right here until closing and all day tomorrow as well."

Svend sighed miserably. "Yes, ma'am."

Just then, they heard the front door open.

"Well?" Katrina snapped at Svend. "See who it is!"

But right then, in came Master Adam King, carrying a big wreath.

"Merry Christmas, Master Adam!" Svend greeted him enthusiastically.

"And a very Merry Christmas to you, too, Svend," Adam replied. "And also to you, Katrina."

"Meh," she replied, getting back to counting all of her treasury money and message board posts.

Adam approached her desk. "I thought you could use some holiday cheer, so I brought you this wreath. I hope you like it."

"Eh, just toss it somewhere."

Adam set the wreath on a nearby table and approached her again. "Also, I wanted to invite you to our Christmas feast tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come as well, Svend."

"Svend won't be going!" Katrina snapped. "He has work to do."

"On Christmas Day? Are you serious?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Well, just thought I'd extend the invite. I do hope you'll reconsider. It'll be a great feast!"

"Whatever."

Adam bade Svend good-bye and left the building.

A few hours later, the doorbell rang.

"Svend! Get the fucking door!"

After Svend opened the door for the visitors, Katrina looked up to see two girls in her office.

"Hi," the girls greeted.

"Ah," Katrina said. "Pam and Joia. How may I help you?"

"We're running a charity, actually," Joia stated.

"Oh, crimony," Katrina grumbled with an eye roll.

"It's a charity for victims of forum moderator abuse," Pam explained. "There are so many victims of tyrant mods, and their plight is too often overlooked."

"You have a list of victims with you?"

"Sure," she replied, handing her a list.

Katrina scanned it. "Haha! I remember her... Oh, yeah! I totally pwned his sorry ass.... Banning him was sweet... Hell, yeah, those two got what they had coming."

Pam and Joia exchanged worried glances. "Well, they've suffered terrible hardship."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"So that's why we're collecting for their support so they can feel good about themselves again, to regain their confidence."

"Just in time for Christmas," Joia added.

Katrina chuckled. "Thanks, but no thanks. I guess they'll have to beg someone else."

"But-"

"Good day!" With that, she stood up and shooed them out of her office. She spotted Adam's wreath on the table and picked it up. "Give this to your precious moderator tyranny victims and be gone!" She shoved the wreath into Pam's arms and shut the door in their faces.

Later on, evening came. Svend had already gone home. It was finally time for Katrina to close up shop and head on back to her place. She wandered out into the snow and locked the door behind her, followed by a tap on the Moncure and Miller sign to knock the newer snow off it.

As she strolled down the street to her house, there was an eerie atmosphere to the cold, empty street. But she thought nothing of it and continued on her merry way. Eventually, she reached her house and went right in.

She spent her evening sitting alone by the fireplace, counting the treasury money and gazing greedily at her many, many forums posts.

All of a sudden, she heard a rattle from outside her room. She got up and opened the door to find... nothing.

"Weird," Katrina muttered, puzzled, and she shut the door.

"Right here," came a voice behind her right as she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked, darting around. "What the hell?!"

To her astonishment, standing before her was the translucent figure of her old partner, Kathleen Miller.

"Kathleen?! I thought you were g-g-gone!"

"Yeah, I'm gone," Kathleen said with a sigh.

"But you're here. You're not gone."

"Hehe. Well, I'm a ghost. A chained ghost as I'm sure you can tell."

Katrina grimaced when she noticed the very many heavy chains attached to Kathleen's arms and legs. "Wow, that sucks."

"I've been watching you, Katrina."

"Really? Even like in the shower and stuff? Pervert."

"No, no, no. I've been watching the way you treat people, what kind of a moderator you are."

"Hahaha! In that case, did you see how I totally pwned Adam this morning? And Pam and Joia this afternoon? That was awesome."

"Katrina! That's exactly the kind of thing that got me in the crap I'm in now."

"Oh?"

"I must walk with these chains attached to me forever. And they're damn heavy! This will be your fate as well."

"Well, thanks for the heads up, I guess."

"Or maybe not. You can get out of it. Tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts."

"So two more after you?"

"No, I meant three ghosts excluding myself."

"Ah. Cool."

"May sound cool now. But they will reveal many truths to you in the hope you'll mend your evil ways. Listen to them. Or your chains will be even heavier than mine."

"Heavier than yours? No fair!"

"Well, if you're still like this after these ghosts get through with you and all, even after you've been duly warned of the consequences, then hell yeah your chains will be heavier!"

"What the fuck ever."

"Farewell! And Merry Christmas!"

"Bah humbug!"

"What the hell does 'Bah humbug' even mean?"

"I haven't the slightest clue."

"Okay." With that, Kathleen vanished into thin air.

A little later, Katrina got into bed and pondered the whole thing. Soon, she fell asleep.

The clock struck 1am, and Katrina woke up to a weird noise. "What was that?" she muttered sleepily.

"Just me."

"Eek!" she shrieked, looking around the dark room. "Who said that? Where are you?"

A figure got up from her corner chair and approached her. "Relax. I don't bite."

Katrina looked at him. "Oh, hey, Ken. What are you doing here?"

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

"My past?"

"No, long past- Nope, wait, you're right. Your past. My bad."

"Haha!"

"Oh, you laugh now? Shall we got on a little trip?" Ken went to the window and opened it.

"Are you out of your mind? I'm not jumping out the window."

"Hey, relax. I'm a ghost. I can make you fly."

"Really?"

"Give it a try."

"Well, okay," she consented, going to the window. Hesitantly, she climbed through the open window... and fell straight down into a big snow drift!

Laughing, Ken went out the front door and found her scrambling out of the snow.

"Ken, you bastard!" she spat.

"Hahaha! Sorry. I've always wanted to do that. Anyway, let's get a move on."

They trekked through the thick snow for a little while. Katrina gazed around the town. "This area is the same neighborhood alright, but it looks different somehow."

"Of course. This is what it looked like last year, before you were a moderator. Let's see you back then, shall we?"

"Oh, wow!" Katrina exclaimed, looking at one of the fancy lit buildings, one with a big sign that read "Kende's".

"Nostalgic, eh?" asked Ken.

Katrina gazed through the window. "Why, it's Kende's alright. Oh, and there's Jason Kende himself, all smiling and laughing with everyone else. There's Ana sitting next to him. And Gella. Oh, and there's Kathleen. There's Jonathan. He had only just joined us then, before he changed his name like 500 times. Heh. And so many others!"

"You see that girl standing alone in the corner? You recognize her?"

"Of course, I do. That's me! A young me. There I was last year, at the tender age of 21. Not like me now, at the old, senile, frail age of 22."

"Last year, you seem to be enjoying yourself with the others, like you're one of them."

"Quite fun, it was!"

All of a sudden, the atmosphere changed. The surrounding snow had vanished and the lights inside Kende's had gone out.

"What happened?" Katrina asked, puzzled.

"It's several months later now," Ken explained. "Kende's is now shut down."

Katrina nodded. "Of course, I remember. Now that was hardly my fault. Jason just had so much to deal with he couldn't keep it open. It was a dreadful shame. Everyone enjoyed the place. At least that new arcade was opened up, even though everyone got bored of it rather quickly."

"It's the people who matter, not the facilities."

"What's your point?"

"When new people arrived, expanding our population, fights broke out. So moderators were recruited. You were one of them."

With that, Katrina glanced across the street at herself, many months earlier, breaking up a huge flamy fight among several members.

"Well, I'm doing my job there," the present-day Katrina pointed out. "So what?"

"Take a closer look."

"You're all banned forever!" the past Katrina snapped. "I don't care who started. You're all a bunch of flamy fucktards. Go the hell away!"

"I still say they deserved it," present-day Katrina insisted.

"Hmmm," Ken murmured. "Perhaps. But we're talking a constant occurrence."

"Whatever."

Suddenly, the scene changed. Everything around went fuzzy, and Ken vanished.

"What's going on?" Katrina asked, but then she found herself back in the present in her own room again. "That was weird. Oh, well." She climbed back into her bed and went back to sleep.

Then 2am struck.

"Hey! Katrina! Wake up!" a voice announced.

Katrina sat up suddenly. "Huh?"

There was Jess Caralize standing in the middle of the room. "Hi, Katrina. How's it going?"

"Heh. Hi, Jess. What are you doing here?"

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present!"

"Ooh! Christmas present!" She grinned excitedly.

"No, no. Present as in present time. Now. Currently. At this moment. You know."

Katrina folded her arms. "Aw, man."

"Let's get going."

"I'm not jumping out the fucking window again."

"Okay, we'll go down the stairs. Damn Ken. Stealing my idea."

So Katrina followed Jess out of the house and down the street.

"So where are we going?" Katrina asked.

"We'll we peeping through some windows," Jess answered.

"Sweet! Sounds like fun."

"Well, just one. Provided I remember the right place."

They came to one window.

"Look through and tell me what you see," Jess instructed.

Katrina went up close to the glass and gazed in. "Uh, looks like Mags and Carden sixty-nining."

"Oops! Wrong house. Let's keep going."

They came to another window.

"Try this one," Jess said.

Katrina peered through the window. "I see Shinzo dancing with his mop to 'Jingle Bell Rock'."

"Damn it, wrong again! Let's keep going."

After several more houses, spotting Crimson Might singing show tunes in a Goofy costume, Kevin and Darius sharing a joint, Sufferagist inspecting the room for termites, and Jeff adding to his long-ass "Why I Hate Christmas" list, Katrina and Jess at last came to the right house.

"Here we are!" Jess announced.

Katrina looked through. Inside was a big, festive dining table with a Christmas tree in the corner. At the table were Adam, Svend, and several other members.

"They're feasting at two in the morning?" Katrina muttered.

"Well, this is a few hours ago. Whatever."

"Should this have been Ken's department then?"

"Ken's for things from like earlier than last week or so. Quit asking questions. Just keep looking through the window."

"Whoa!" Katrina reacted, looking at the occupant of the smallest chair. "Who's that?"

"Why, that's Tiny Rory."

"Holy crap! Svend wasn't kidding. He doesn't look to be more than three feet tall."

"Yeah, he may be sick. Or he's a midget. No one's sure."

"I wonder what kind of big feast they're having!"

"Big?"

When Jess said that, Alyson brought in the food to set on the table for everyone. The entire meal was... a package of Oscar Mayer bologna.

"Ah, just like the Christmas Eves of yore," Katrina muttered.

"Everyone gets one slice," instructed Pam, who was one of the dinner guests.

"First, let's say grace," Svend suggested, as everyone bowed their heads. "We are all very grateful for this wonderful food on this Christmas Eve. Let us give thanks that Katrina has not permanently banned any of us yet, and that she could provide such a vast feast."

Jess smirked while looking through the window at them, but then glanced to her side to see Katrina was eyeing her suspiciously.

"I'm not buying it," she said bluntly.

"Okay, okay," Jess surrendered. "I'll show you the real one."

"Everyone gets one slice," Pam repeated.

"Fuck Katrina!" Adam thundered.

"That's more like it," Katrina said to Jess.

"Yeah!" Joia agreed. "Who the hell does she think she is?"

"What, does being a moderator make her God?" Pam added.

"She's all up in her miserable little house alone, like she belongs," Svend put in.

Such remarks continued as Jess and Katrina watched and listened. When dinner was over, which was quickly since sixteen slices of bologna doesn't last long at a full dining table, they began a nice trivia game.

"This should be neat," Katrina remarked.

"What is the cause of all the violence and suffering in the world?" Svend read from a card.

"Katrina!" Joia piped up.

"Correct," Svend confirmed.

"Oh, Lord," Katrina sighed.

"Who is responsible for the Iraq War?" Alyson read from a card.

"Katrina?" answered Rory.

"Right!"

"Who hurts innocent people every day?" asked Pam from the card.

"Katrina!" replied Adam. "After all, she did just give you and Joia the wreath I gave her. That heartless bitch!"

The game pretty much went on like that.

"Oh, my God," Katrina remarked, rolling her eyes. "They really need a healthier outlet."

Jess chuckled. "True. Although I'm sure the point is still valid."

"Point? This is fucking bullshit. I'm supposed to feel bad because they're pissed at me for doing my fucking job? I'm sick of this." She looked out over the snowy street. "They act like I'm worse than Satan or something. What the hell is-?"

Suddenly, she was broken off, when her scenery changed. She was still ankle deep in snow, but Jess was gone and the surroundings were turning darker and scarier. The buildings had vanished, and the air was filled with an opaque mist.

"Hello?" Katrina asked meekly. "What's going on?"

She gasped, realizing all of a sudden there was a black cloaked figure standing still just a few feet away. Around her, as the mist began to settle, dozens upon dozens of gloomy, cracked gravestones appeared. With an uncomfortable gulp, Katrina stepped closer to the cloaked figure.

"Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?" she stammered.

The cloaked head nodded slowly. Try as she might, Katrina could not tell who was under the cloak.

"Oh, are you Galen? Galen would be perfect for this part, man."

But the cloaked head shook no.

Katrina shrugged. "Am I supposed to be scared or something? What's the deal with the graveyard? Who died?"

The figure remained perfectly still.

"Well, I realize the Ghost of Christmas Future isn't supposed to talk, but you think you could maybe, you know, get on with it? I'd like to get back to sleep sometime before dawn."

After staying silent and still another minute or so, the cloaked figure walked away slowly. Katrina followed.

"So are you going to show me my grave?" Katrina asked. "With all the NYRA members standing around cheering that I'm dead? That'd about fit the impression I've gotten so far. Or maybe just show me in the future, at the ripe old age of 23. Oh, wait. Did Rory die? That'd suck. Being so small doesn't mean he's sick. He might just be way overdue for a major growth spurt. Or perhaps he's a midget. Society needs midgets. Reminds me of a joke. Okay. Three midgets are having a discussion..."

"Grrr," emitted the Ghost.

"Oh, sorry, am I talking too much? I do that when I'm cold, and I'm fucking freezing out here!"

All of a sudden, while gazing off at the distant gravestones, the Ghost accidentally stepped on an ice patch. The cloaked figure slid, staggered, and fell back flat on the ground.

The hood slid off.

Katrina gasped.

The Ghost, none other of course than Alex Koroknay-Palicz, stood up, leaving the hood off. "Yeah, it's me," he grumbled.

"Ken and Jess messed with me quite a bit, even though I never mess with them much at all. Sadistic jerks. And, you, Alex, whom I mess with at just about every possible opportunity, are the Ghost of Christmas Future?"

"I am," he stated proudly.

Katrina nodded. "All I needed to hear." With that, she turned around and ran as fast as she could away from him. "Help!" she shouted. "I've reformed! I'll be nice. Kathleen! Get me out of here! Please!"

The cold air whipping around her steadily faded and became her own bed sheets tangling in her arms and legs.

"Huh? What?" she muttered sleepily, waking to find herself alone in her warm bedroom. She grumbled and put her hand on her forehead. "What a dream. Oscar Mayer bologna? Alex? All I can really remember. Maybe I should be thankful that's all!"

Realizing it was morning, she got dressed for the day, and then realized something. So she ran to the window and opened it.

"Hey, Jeff!" she called out.

Jeff was down on the sidewalk strolling by. "Yeah?" he replied.

"What day is it?"

"Sunday, I believe," he said, continuing on by.

"No, no, no," Katrina muttered, then spotting someone else. "Hey, Oren!"

Oren looked up at her. "Yeah?"

"What day is it?"

"Chanukah begins tonight at sundown," he replied, walking on by.

"No, no, no," Katrina muttered again. She spotted someone else. "Hey, Andrew!"

"Yeah?" replied Andrew.

"What day is it?"

"I heard today is Mithras Day or something." Then he went on by.

"No, no, no," Katrina muttered, spotting someone else. "Hey, Steff! What day is it?"

"Four days after the Winter Solstice," she responded, going on by.

"No! Aw, fuck this." With that, she looked at her digital watch on her left wrist and pressed the Date button, revealing 12 25. "December 25! It's Christmas Day! I didn't miss Christmas. Yay! Ah, hell, I guess I'd better be nice or something. I'll start by telling Svend to take today off. What the hell."

First taking a perplexed glance back out the window below at the disturbed snow drift, Katrina ran out of her house wearing a retarded smile, waving to everyone walking by.

"Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!" she chanted excitedly. "Merry Christmas, everybody!"

She came to her business, where she found Svend on his way up the steps.

"No, you don't!" Katrina snapped at him. "You go home!"

"What?" Svend asked, dumbstruck.

"You heard me. It's Christmas. Go home. Then be at Adam's for the feast."

"Uh, okay! Thanks." And he ran off to go home.

She ran up the steps and knocked snow off the sign again. "Moncure and Miller is closed for Christmas! Hahaha."

"Morning, Katrina," greeted Joia from the sidewalk, standing beside Pam.

"Merry Christmas, Pam and Joia!" Katrina cheered. "And I suppose you're looking for reparations for my poor hapless victims, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Pam replied.

"Well, why the hell not? It's Christmas. What'll it take to help these poor souls? Money?"

"That's one way."

"Ha! I don't have any fucking money. How's about I just give all these 'offenders' clean slates and they can feel free to roam our NYRA town once again?"

Joia's face lit up. "You mean it?"

"Sure, why not? We can't leave them all abandoned on Christmas Day, can we? And get your asses over to Adam's for Christmas dinner."

"Oh, we will," Pam said.

"Good. Tell Adam I wouldn't miss it. In fact, I'll bring the meal. You all just bring yourselves. Invite everyone." Just as she started to wander away, she turned back to them. "Oh, and before I forget, I might point out that Satan has probably caused more violence and suffering in the world than I, but you know."

Pam and Joia exchanged confused glances.

"Come on, Jeff," Katrina invited upon spotting him. "Join us at Adam's for Christmas dinner."

"I hate Christmas," he said flatly.

"Do you hate free food?"

"Eh, you talk the talk."

She ran on up and down streets, telling everyone she saw to go to Adam's for Christmas.

A little while later, Adam was shocked to see so many people flocking to his house. So many happy NYRA folks. Jason. Ana. Gella. Scott. Yamet. Oren. David. Alyson. Carden. Mags. Jay. Stefan. Jeff. Keith and Tahra. Rob. Pam. Joia. Svend. Zach. Gaby. Darius. Kevin. Andrew. Steff. Gwen. Josh. And countless others! Don't forget Tiny Rory.

"I can't feed anywhere near all of you," he told the crowd. "What's going on?"

Just then, as Adam managed to expand his dining table through three rooms to accommodate everyone, Katrina came to the door.

"I've brought food for our NYRA community, dining together at Adam's," she told him.

"How much food?" he asked.

"Two whole packages of Oscar Mayer bologna!" She held them in each hand.

"Oh." He took the bologna and looked at it despondently.

"And!" she went on, wheeling in a lot of carts full of food. "A big-ass turkey! And a big-ass ham! And a big-ass roast beef!"

"Wow!" Adam reacted.

"Not to mention about a zillion baked potatoes," she went on. "Lots of carrots and corn. Rice and gravy. Turkey stuffing. Green beans. Cranberry sauce. Rolls. And a huge ass load of pies! Pumpkin. Apple. Cherry. Lemon meringue. You fucking name it!"

"Holy shit!" Svend cried when he saw the food she brought. "I don't believe it. It's a miracle!"

So everyone in the happy little NYRA town, of all religions, gathered at Adam's for the big ass Christmas feast. Katrina glared with a slight smirk when Ken, Jess, and Alex all arrived and joined everyone at the table.

"Where were you three last night?" she asked them suspiciously.

"Why?" they all asked in unison.

"Oh, nothing."

Even Kathleen showed up!

"I thought you were dead!" Katrina asked her.

"Dead?" she said. "No. I was just gone for a while. Didn't die. Thought I'd come on back and join the feast, though."

"Okay, great! Where's your chains?"

"What chains?"

"Meh. Nevermind. Say, where's Galen?"

"He's fulfilling his holiday tradition," Andrew replied. "He treks to the North Pole so he can fuck Mrs. Claus while Santa is out distributing gifts."

"That's our Galen!"

Tiny Rory ate and ate and, all of a sudden, he magically transformed into a normal sized person. "Whoa!" he reacted. "Thanks to all this food, I'm not so tiny anymore. I'm Normal Rory."

"Mazel Tov!" Oren congratulated him.

"You gotta say the line, Rory," Katrina said.

"What line?"

"You know, the phrase that wraps this whole thing up."

"I'm not saying it. It's stupid and generic and overused."

"True. Eh, what the hell?" She raised her wine glass. "God bless us, everyone."

"Hey, stop that!" Jeff snapped. "I don't believe in God. Don't say stuff like that around me."

"Bite me."

THE END


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