For Alex's 25th Birthday
Added: February 2, 2007

Originally posted on NYRA on July 4, 2006.
Due to computer issues, I was unable to post this on Alex's birthday two days earlier, on July 2.

What can I say about our beloved Executive Director?

Hungarian couple in Michigan swapped last names and DNA, and now we've got our Alexander August Joseph Koroknay-Palicz. Of course, we just call him Alex since, well, it's shorter than his initials. Born 25 years ago two days ago, the "chosen one" of the youth rights movement. He's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, yet he's accomplished a lot in his own way. He's got great ideas, great potential, great friends, great organization, and lots of other great crap. Not to mention all around great guy. Except, of course, the many times he can be a total asshole. Anyway, Alex is here among us in this world, and that so far seems to be a good thing all in all. Even when he's demanding. Even when he's whining. He's one of these self-proclaimed "nice guy" types. Well, from what I know about him, probably. Then again, who knows what he's really like in other scenarios? For all we know, he could be sitting on his ass, sees his girlfriend walk by, and says "Bitch, get me a beer!" So she gets him a beer, and he leaves it just sitting there next to him. When she asks if he's going to drink it, he's like "No, I don't drink. Just wanted you to get one. Now make me some coffee, woman!" So she comes back with a nice hot cup of coffee and sets it next to him. He ignores this as well, and when she asks, he says "I hate coffee. Just wanted you to make me some. Now go make me some chocolate cake!" I think you see the pattern by now. For all we know, this could be what lies behind this alleged "nice guy" we know as Alex Koroknay-Palicz.

Alex lives with three other people in a humble Twinbrook home. Seems nice. He's out from under his parents' roof, and that's the important part. That's just about the universal goal, is it not? I myself have not yet accomplished that goal, but I plan to soon. I may live alone or perhaps find a roommate. And that's where things could get interesting. I'd finally break the bad roommate streak I got into in college and finally live with a decent person. Share a two-bedroom apartment with another college grad girl in her mid-twenties. Decent person to live with. You know, if things were really good, she might even be a youth rights supporter. Then I'd tell her all about NYRA and invite her to a DC chapter meeting. She and I would get to wherever the hell we're meeting, and find Alex there. And at that moment I would realize my grave, grave mistake.

Roommate sits down, and lonely lonely Alex gives her the old "Hey, how you doin'?". Then they get to talking. And they keep talking. Now, mind you, this isn't just any talking. Not like when it's just me and Alex and I get to running my mouth about God knows what, much of which I later on think "Why the fuck did I bring that up?!" No. They were getting to know each other. They were getting to like each other. My first reaction would be one of amusement along with one of pride, that I had inadvertently found lonely lonely Alex a girl (alongside being pissed that I'd made myself a hypocrite after my Match Makers ranting). Before long, that would turn to bone chilling terror. I would soon find out why.

I'd normally just interact with Alex on the NYRA forums and whatnot, maybe seeing him in person once in a while for some NYRA-DC event. But now! He was going out with my roommate, so he would be in my damn apartment all the time! Ugh. I'd sure get sick of him before long. Not to mention having to refill my spray bottle every so often. You know. I'd catch them sitting on the couch looking all amorous and making out or something, so I spray them with cold water and say "Knock it off, you two! Get a room!" And then I realize that said room shares a wall with my own room. So what was once the happiness of being out of my family home was now the disturbing knowledge that my roommate and my brother-like friend were doing stuff in the next room. Would make me walk down the hallway outside the rooms with my hands over my ears so tight I feel like my brain wants to burst out of my cranium. Until the very unfortunate day that while walking the hallway hands on ears, and I'd trip and fall against my roommate's bedroom door. Discovering they not only didn't lock the door but didn't bother to shut it all the way. Then I'd see the stunning sight. Alex and my roommate were there on the bed. How about that. They were just playing cards. Seriously. Fully clothed. That's not a metaphor or anything. They both had some cards in hand and the deck between them. "You're just playing cards?!" I'd erupt, awestruck and extremely relieved. Yes. They played cards every night. They enjoyed it. Not always the same game. I told my roommate it was nice of her to play cards with him, as he was surely getting sick of being restricted to Solitaire. What a find! Who knew the furthest Alex had ever gone with a girl was a full house?

I think my roommate would be getting a bit impatient, though. Why the very next night, they were clearly playing a different card game. I was leaving my room to go get a can of soda when I overheard Alex say "Got any threes?" around the same time my roommate asked "Got any condoms?" Then they said "Go fish" in unison. Then they said "Jinx!" in unison. Then I didn't hear anything more during the time I got the soda can and returned to my room. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at my bedroom door, and there they both were, looking at me expectantly, motioning about something but not actually saying anything. I asked "What do you want?" but then had a thought "NO!" I shrieked vehemently. But Alex located a piece of paper and a pen and wrote something real quick on it: "We jinxed each other, now neither of us can talk. Say our names so we can talk again." I was about to comply, only to stop myself short. Screw that. They can't talk. I could have some fun! So the whole rest of the evening was spent with them waiting around me hoping I'd utter one of their names so to lift their curse of dumbness. Nope. I'd start to say "Al-ley ways are dangerous" and they'd be all . "Al-Qaeda is evil. Ale-c Baldwin is an actor." Hahahaha. Owned. Eventually, it got late so I took pity on them and was like "Alex, get the hell out of here!" He then said my roommate's name and they were happy again.

The next morning, I left my room on my way out to go to work, just happening to be wondering if it had been Alex or my roommate who was dumb enough to have not shut the door all the way the other night. I got my answer promptly when realizing yet another terrifying fear I had about having Alex around so much. I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth to discover that, even though the door was slightly open already, it was occupied! "AAAAHHHH!!!!!!" I shrieked with horror, covering my eyes, immediately planning to locate the acetic acid once I got to work so to wash my eyes with it. "Alex, what the fucking hell is wrong with you? Shut the damn door, idiot!" Talk about caught with his pants down! Ewww. But then I realized something which calmed me down and had me now laughing my ass off. I didn't even see anything. But from that angle, I probably should have seen at least part of something, unless... Oh, my God! ROFLMFAO!!!! My roommate was sitting on the couch, having seen the situation. "Wow, I feel sorry for you," I said to her. She smirked and was all like "Oh, what do you know, virgin!" I walked out the front door ending with "Well, I know you're a lesbian."

So I'd have fun telling Alex how he makes Tom Alciere feel good by comparison. Oh, that little incident would wind up all over the forums! One afternoon I'd get home from work to find Alex and my roommate playing gin at the living room table. "On our table guys? Gross. That's where we eat, you know." and I'd get a dirty look, and then add on "Although I admire your courage. Alex, you sure are quite a five-card stud." Then I'd quickly disappear into my bedroom.

What a respite the few times Alex actually wasn't there! Well, not really. If he wasn't there, I'd find my smiling roommate on the couch, cell phone to her ear saying "I love you, too. You hang up first. No, you. You. You." Pause. "Well, you didn't hang up either!" At that point, I'd snatch the phone from her and chuck it out the window, being sure to not end the call in doing so. "Talk to the grass, KP!" Or during the youth rights chats, they'd be talking sweetly to each other there while Galen, Adam, Jess, Aaron, and I all make fun of them. Sigh. After a while, I'd go to the next room and spray my roommate with the water bottle.

Weeks later, however, things slowly changed. One weekend I emerged from my room to find Alex sitting on our couch playing my PS2 while my roommate watched. Finally, he snapped "Bitch, get me a beer!" She ran to the fridge and brought him back a beer, only for him to ignore it. When she asked him about it, he said "I don't drink. I just wanted you to get it. Now make me some coffee, woman!" And it progressed from there. The yelling became more and more common. They'd be happy with each other for a little bit only to plummet into a nasty spat.

And before long came the fateful day. My roommate came to me all downcast and sobbed "Alex and I broke up!" So I'd try to console her while she sobbed and sobbed about it all. Then I'd realize that this meant that not one but two good friends of mine were dealing with the same major break up. I thought of what Alex was probably going through. About the same most likely. This dual pity managed to silence the part of me that wanted to scream "Oh, thank you, Jesus!" Sure enough, Alex's forum posts were all sad and depressing. NYRA-DC got halted for a bit (but what else is new?). My roommate was unhappy and feeling just plain bad. Alex was in his Twinbrook house spending his days posting on the NYRA forums and playing Solitaire. I found my roommate playing Solitaire once in a while as well. Meh. I much prefer Minesweeper. Anyway, soon came the "I'm not going if he's going to be there!" or "I'd better not see her." Grrr. I felt like a kid whose parents had just gotten divorced. Having to hear the bitching and the passive-aggressive bullshit from both of them all the fucking time. Made me wish I had instead just gotten an apartment of my own and lived alone. Would sidestep this whole nasty mess. Seriously, though. Looking at the shit they'd both fallen into now. They sure didn't appreciate it when I told them this is why I believe relationships are retarded, but damn it, they knew I'm right. I mean, then things progressed into them wondering what the other one was doing now. They had no interest in getting back with each other but were all pissed when one showed signs of moving on. See what I mean? Retarded.

Now, I've delved into this whole hypothetical scenario with an imaginary roommate having a relationship with our own Alex. He's got the tendency to be a total retard, like whenever he utters the words "I'd hit it". Or calls himself a "nice guy" when he's just going to send his significant others for beer, coffee, chocolate, seafood, cigarettes, and anything else he would not consume. But, nonetheless, for some ungodly reason we will never understand, we still love him. Not in a way that we'd ever want to play a game of rummy with him, but we adore him nonetheless and are glad he was born at some point.

So...

Happy 25th Birthday, Alex!!!




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