The Eavesdropping President
Added: January 26, 2006
So one evening I decided to call up my old friend Shannon.
Shannon: Hello?
Me: Shannon! Hey, it's Katrina! How are you?
Shannon: Hey, Katrina. I'm hanging in. What's up?
Me: Felt like calling. Why not?
Shannon: Okay. Hey, did you hear what the fucking Bush Administration is doing now? Because of the Patriot Act and all, they are going totally against the Constitution and trying to gain the right to listen to all domestic phone calls and read all e-mails, all in the name of fighting terrorism. Can you believe that shit?
Me: Ugh. I thought I'd heard something like that. Sigh. You'd think this country would learn. We did stupid shit during other wars that were horrible and unconstitutional, yet it was justified by them saying "But we're at war!" Idiots.
*I hear some clearly masculine chuckles through the phone*
Me: You have a guy there or something?
Shannon: What! No, I thought that was from your end.
*More chuckling*
Me: Ahem! Is there someone else on this line?
*Chuckling male voice emerges into obvious Texan accent*
President: Don't mind me, gals. Just listening for terrorist plots.
Me: President Bush?! You're listening to our conversation yourself?!
Shannon: What the hell?!
President: *chuckles* I was bored. Just wanting to join the FBI in their fun.
Me: Uhhh...
President: You get on back to your conversation.
Shannon: Well, we were talking about you.
Me: Yeah, Mr. President! How do you expect to find terrorists by listening to phone calls? You've got people all pissed off and violated. Why do you keep taking liberties away from us?
President: Taking liberties away? Don't you remember September 11th? Where were you when those Towers fell down?
Me: I was asleep. It was quarter of nine on a Tuesday morning, and I didn't have class until twelve thirty.
Shannon: Yeah, I think I was in class at the time. I don't remember. But what's your point?
President: That was a day that would live in infamy. America was attacked. We can't let such horrible acts of cowardice happen again.
Me: Uh huh.
President: These people hate America and hate freedom. They are trying to take it away from us. We can't let them do that.
Shannon: Right, right. Because since you're taking our freedoms away instead, there would be much less for them to take!
President: Hey, now, I'm completely in the right to make these rules. It's for your own protection against radical terrorists. It has to be done to keep another 9/11 from happening.
Me: Sigh. I hear that all the time. Frankly, it seems like so much of a public scare tactic. We're shaking in our shoes while we verbally assure ourselves we're the bravest and the greatest. Hell, we are the greatest, and, yeah, even bravest, I have no doubt about that. Just wish we'd act like it more. The way the media and government play this out, a less cognizant person might be quite surprised we're not blown to smithereens yet. Instead, we're just showing the world we weep and scream like little sissies, when something like this we should just kind of look at with disdain. Rather, the terrorists got what they wanted, Mr. President. They scared the shit out of us and made us consent to you stripping our freedoms away one by one.
President: I find it interesting you complain about hearing something all the time. Do you know how much shit I catch for the whole "Is our children learning?" thing? Good Lord, I said a wrong word. Leave me alone already. Reagan misspoke all the time. And let's not forget Clinton with the whole definition of "is" thing. And that's just one thing. There's petty stuff like that and, of course, major questions and criticisms from all over the political spectrum. But, damn it, I'm doing the best I can.
Me: Dude, totally. It would so suck to be you. Sure as hell don't think for a second anything you do is easy.
Shannon: Perhaps not these days, but when he was at Yale maybe? Hehehe.
President: Aw, come on, now. That was a long time ago. I'm a changed man. I've found God.
Me: Cool! Where'd you find Him?
President: Hehehe. Well, I meant I finally succeeded in letting Him into my life.
Me: It took effort? You had to let God do something? Dude, it's God! He can do anything. But, whatever, I hear you. I found Him once hiding in my pantry. He said they ran out of popcorn in Heaven and wanted to see if I had any. I'm not a big fan of popcorn, so I didn't mine giving Him some of it.
Shannon: That's cool.
Me: So, Shannon, what've you been up to?
Shannon: Eh, maybe we should talk sometime without him here.
President: *chuckles* Never you ladies mind. I could just leave now. Bye now.
Shannon: Bye.
Me: Bye.
Shannon: So anyway, a friend was telling me earlier she found out she's pregnant. She's going to have an abortion, though.
Me: Awww.
Shannon: Yeah.
President: That's awful. It's a shame she couldn't just do the honorable thing and carry the child and perhaps give the kid away to an infertile couple. Abortion is so disgusting and wrong. I'd love to see it eradicated.
Me: Mr. President! You said you left! Not cool.
President: Well, sorry, but this is such a deep issue.
Me: Yeah, that's why it's not your concern.
President: I have such a hard time convincing people that abortion is not the answer.
Me: Hey, I agree with that. I don't like abortion either and wish no one would get one. Don't really understand how any girl could possibly go through with it, but, hey, that's just my opinion, I guess.
Shannon: Well, her body, her choice, I say.
Me: Meh.
President: I tell you, no morals this day and age! Kids and teens are seeing sex everywhere they go, no matter how much we try to stop that.
Shannon: Whoa, man! Haven't you figured out by now hiding sex from kids and teens just makes things worse?
President: Oh, they all say that!
Me: Sigh. So, Mr. President, since we've got you on the line, well, how are you?
President: Busy as hell and dangerously sleep deprived, of course.
Me: Right. How's the First Lady?
President: Laura's good. She's such a wonderful wife. So supportive.
Me: And your daughters?
President: Jenna and Barbara are just off doing their own thing. Whatever.
Me: Hehe. Nice. Hey, have you ever seen that show the creators of South Park made called "That's My Bush"? It's really funny. They make you out to be like a sitcom character.
President: Nah, never could catch it. It was on Comedy Central, and for some ungodly reason, we don't get even basic cable here in the White House.
Me: Hahahaha!!! Oh, that sucks!! Kind of ironic, too, in a way.
President: Well, I suppose my voters getting a chuckle out of someone portraying me in a show is a good thing.
Shannon: People get a chuckle out of a lot of things about you, President Bush.
Me: I didn't vote for you!
Shannon: Me neither.
Me: But, yeah, dude. It's your second term. You don't have to painfully appeal to the religious right so much. Just tell them to shove it. With all the Republicans in power, there's no way in hell you'd get impeached and thrown out of office. Legalize marijuana. Quit trying to ban gay marriage. Lower the voting and drinking ages by like a lot. Those are WAY too high and thus cause more problems than they solve.
President: Hey, now! I'm only the president. I'm not Superman. I've got a lot of shit to do, you know!
Shannon: And you've been talking to us for, what, how long now?
President: Hmmm. I suppose you've got a point. Cheney keeps leaving me annoying messages. Shit, I hate it when he wants something. I got to go, ladies. For real this time. Goodbye. God Bless America!
Me: Yeah, America rules. Bye, Mr. President. Nice talking to you, I suppose.
Shannon: Yeah, totally. Bye.
*click*
Me: That was weird.
Shannon: Yeah. Patriot Act sure causes funny, funny stuff.
Me: It does. Just how much funnier it'll get is what worries me.
Shannon: Same here, Katrina.
President: Katrina?! Oh, shit, New Orleans. This all never fucking ends!
Shannon: He's still here.
Me: Yup. I have a feeling he will be for a while.
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