The Story of Easter
Added: April 9, 2006

In our last episode, Pontius Pilate finally said "Screw it!" and consented to the sentence of crucifixion demanded by our Savior's prosecutors. After having to drag His big cross for a while, our Savior Jesus Christ was nailed to it and eventually died. He was put in a tomb.

We rejoin our heroes three days later. Mary Magdalene went to see the tomb, and she just about freaked out to see it open and empty. She was pissed! Somebody had stolen Him. But some angel showed up saying "He's not here. He is risen. Go tell the others." So just as she was contemplating it and talking about it with the other Mary and a couple other women who were there, Jesus showed up behind her. "Hey," He greeted them. "I'm here. Go tell the others. I'll meet up them later." So the women ran off to find the Savior's eleven bumbling sidekicks hanging out somewhere. Mostly they were just standing around. Matthew was giving tax tips. Peter was telling fishing stories.

"We saw Him!" the women told them. Of course, the disciples scoffed at this muttering, "What! That's ridiculous. Crazy women."

Sure enough, our Savior came up to them and said "Peace be with you!" and His disciples just about shit themselves. "Ack! A ghost!" cried Andrew. "Is it really you?" asked Paul. "How can we be sure it's Him? Probably just an illusion." said Thomas.

"No, I'm really here," He assured them, holding out his hands, showing big gaping holes where the nails went through. The disciples dropped their jaws. "Uh, okay," John stuttered. "Join us. We'll have a fish dinner. You can tell us all about it."

So they had a fish dinner. He told the disciples all about going to hell, kicking Satan's ass, and succeeding in making every sin washable.

"Yeah," Jesus concluded. "Do me a favor. You guys go on out, travel, and tell people all about what I taught you. All that stuff about love." He glanced at Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. "You guys getting this all down?"

"We think so," Mark mentioned. "Luke won't listen to my suggestions!"

"You're leaving so much out!" Luke snapped at him.

"Am not!"

Jesus rolled His eyes. "Well, I'd better get on up there. My Father is waiting on me. Just for fun, let's celebrate my return every year on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. People can rejoice in that they just gotta ask and I'll wipe their sins away. To make it interesting, I'll even send around a rabbit to give colored eggs on the occasion. We'll call it the Easter Bunny."

"Ooh, I like bunnies," commented Simon. "They're so soft."

"Wait a minute," asked John. "Colored eggs? Rabbits?"

"Meh, why not?" Jesus mentioned, shrugging. "Spread the joy. Anyway, take care, guys. Peace!" With that, He ascended into heaven while His faithful flunkies below waved good-bye.

Paul blinked. "Hey, I zoned out for a second. What are we supposed to do again?"

"We have to tell others all about Him," Andrew reminded him.

"Right, right," Paul muttered. "What did He teach again? Something about the flesh being evil and women being inferior beings who have to be obedient to men?"

"What!" Mary Magdalene snapped. "No! You're supposed to be spreading unconditional love. 'Love thy neighbor. Love thy God.' Didn't you hear a word He said?"

Paul rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to Greece."


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