The Story of Christmas
Added: December 19, 2006
Our story begins with a 12-year-old Jewish girl named Mary. She led a life of kindness, apparently. She was good to others. She was good to herself. She was just all-around good. And she was engaged to another all-around good soul named Joseph.
Then one day March or April maybe, Mary was minding her own business, when out of nowhere, the angel Gabriel shows up! "You are blessed among women, Mary!" he stated, right about the time a very startled Mary jumped and cried "Holy shit!"
"You're probably wondering what this is about," Gabriel went on. "For you see, Mary, God has been examining women all over the world but has had trouble choosing a suitable one. At last, after much deliberation, He's chosen you."
"Chosen me for what?"
"To carry His Son, Mary! You, even though you're a good little virgin, will immaculately conceive a baby. A boy, and His name will be Jesus. The Lord made flesh. Essentially, you'll be known as the Mother of God!"
"Wait, I'm confused. This child would be the Son of God, yet would also be God? What is that about?"
"Well, while there is one God, He exists as this Holy Trinity, or at least He will after all this. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."
"What's the difference between the Father and the Holy Spirit?"
"You know what, that's not important. The important thing is you're being offered the position of being the mother of this holy child."
"Hmmm. Tell me more. What will He do?"
"Basically, you and Joseph raise Him. Eventually, He'll learn who He really is. He is the King of the Jews. He'll travel and teach people about God, He'll perform a ton of miracles, and, most importantly, He'll absolve sins. When He's 33, He'll be betrayed by His own people and crucified. He'll then go to hell, fight with Satan a bit, and then free the souls into heaven, where they'll live forever in eternal bliss."
Mary dropped her jaw.
"So will you do it?"
"Holy shit, dude! Sure does sound awfully heart wrenching." But, realizing all the good this would do, she began to consider it. "Well, I suppose so. If the Lord wants me to carry His child, then I'll carry His ch- Wait a minute. What day is it? Is this an April Fool's gag?"
Gabriel chuckled. "Ah, no."
"Well, okay. If the Lord wants me to carry His child, then I'll carry His child!"
So over the next several weeks, Mary found herself having morning sickness, not having periods, and steadily gaining weight. It was quite obvious she, a girl who'd never gotten laid ever, was pregnant! She finally told Joseph about it, and he just about freaked!
"That's weird," he said. "Did I drink too much some night and do stuff to you?"
"No, you didn't," she assured him.
"You sure nothing happened between you and that matzoh ball chef? I've caught him making eyes at you."
"I'm certain, Joseph. I'm still a virgin, and the baby's father is God."
As he was having major doubts about this, pacing alone for a little while, Gabriel showed up!
"Hey, there, Joseph!"
"Whoa!" he reacted.
"I've got a message for you from the Almighty. Basically, yes, the child in Mary's womb is the Son of God."
"Uh, okay. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? This whole thing is confusing the hell out of me!"
"Go ahead and marry her but continue to abstain from sex until after she delivers. You and Mary were chosen to raise the Son of God together, right?"
"Well, I suppose that does seem like a kinder option than just leaving her out in the streets to be stoned for being unwed and pregnant. I'll do it!"
So when Augustus made everybody register, because he's just a control freak like that, Joseph registered with Mary as his wife!
It got to be about December, and the couple was making their way around, trying to find someplace to go, trying to get to Bethlehem. Finally, Joseph borrows a donkey that a little girl was having a hard time giving away since anyone else interested in the donkey just wanted to kill it. They rode on the donkey for several days. December 20, they went. December 21, they went. December 22, they stopped for a bit at the nearest McDonald's, astounded at the company whose chain had grown so massive, there were places popping up all over time!
"Oh, look," Joseph said upon peeling a tab off his soda cup. "I won a free trip to New York."
"What the hell is New York?" Mary asked.
"I don't know."
December 23, they continued on. Finally, evening of December 24, they arrived in Bethlehem.... to an assload of "No Vacancy" signs. "There's no room at the inn!" they heard over and over and over.
"Oh, please!" Joseph pleaded with an inn keeper finally. "She's in labor! We need a place to stay."
The inn keeper sighed. "Fine. Go on out to that crappy manger in the backyard there."
So, there in the manger, with cows and sheep and oxen and all kinds of other creatures, in the still of the night in the wee early hours of December 25, with stars in the sky... the virgin screamed her lungs out at the pain of pushing the Savior out of her!
Not far away, some shepherds were hanging out in fields with their flocks, just chilling out with a few beers, when the sky got all bright and all these angels showed up. When they figured that must have been some bad beer so they got all scared, the angels said "Don't be scared. Just wanted to invite you to this manger in Bethlehem."
"A manger?" one shepherd asked. "With like chicks and such partying?"
The shepherds found their way to the manger, and there they found Mary and Joseph sitting by this glowing hay box. And there He was, the tiny newborn innocent tender mild Jesus Christ.
"He's our Savior!" Mary told them.
"Yeah, the angels told us," one shepherd said.
"Hey, these aren't the chicks I had in mind!" another shepherd complained, looking at a family of chickens.
So there, under a very unusually bright star in the sky, that could still be seen in the day time, that just hung there over Bethlehem, they remained for a while. Eight days later, the baby was circumcised and officially named Jesus.
"What day is today?" Mary asked Joseph.
"January 1," he replied.
"Okay, then. You know, His bris is important, welcoming the Savior into life and all. Perhaps this should from now on be known as the first day of the year."
"Great idea! In that case, Happy New Year, Mary!"
"Happy New Year, Joseph!"
Then, on January 6, twelve days after the birth of Jesus, these three strange guys showed up.
"Who are you?" asked Mary.
"We saw this star and thought, let's go!" one said.
"We're the three kings of orient are," a second one said.
"Wait," the third said. "I thought we were wise men or Magi or something."
"Hmm," the first muttered. "Come to think of it, I don't know what the hell we are."
"Well, anyway," the second one said. "We've brought gifts for this little King of the Jews. Frankincense, gold, and myrrh! Gifts for a King."
"Wow, sweet," Joseph and Mary said to one another.
Then this little boy with a drum showed up. "I'm the little drummer boy!" he stated proudly.
"Oh, great," the third wise man grumbled. "This kid's been following us since we crossed the Euphrates."
"Just where are you guys from?" Mary asked. "China?"
"No, no," the second wise man replied. "Persia, I think."
"Well, my mother was Chinese," the first wise man mentioned.
"And your father?"
"Wasn't."
"Can I play my drum for the King?" the drummer boy asked. "Please? I don't have anything better."
"Oh, please, don't," the third wise man said. "I've got a splitting headache already."
Mary rolled her eyes. "You go right ahead and play your drum!"
After hours on end of monotonous drum solo, the boy finally finished. "He's smiling at me!" he said suddenly. "Baby Jesus is smiling at me!"
Mary looked at Jesus. "Nah, just seems to be gas. But I'm sure He just loved it. Thank you."
"Oh, I just remembered!" a wise man said suddenly. "Promise you won't be mad. We kind of stopped by Herod's on the way into town and sort of mentioned we were here to see the newborn King of the Jews. He seemed kind of disturbed."
And that night, an angel showed up in front of Joseph. "Joseph, remember that thing about Herod knowing about Jesus?"
"Yeah?" he said.
"Well, Herod's pissed. He wants to kill Jesus. So get the hell out of dodge fast!"
With that, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus sneaked on out of there and made their way to Egypt. Soon enough, Herod got to the manger with a bunch of guys with swords, only to find the Holy Family had escaped.
"Aww," Herod pouted. "I was in such a baby killing mood, too!"
Meanwhile, Jesus was safe with his parents in Egypt. And the rest is history! Merry Christmas!
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